Our experience in the class really got me thinking about my own experiences as a competitive athlete growing up, and how this has influenced my role as an advocate for girls, a teacher, and a mom. I am in my early 40’s and I vividly recall my experience as the only girl under the supervision of a sexist tennis coach. I was always put on the last court and it was clearly a punishment for the boys if they had to play with me. I hated that coach, but it also contributed to my intensifying dislike of tennis. Today it’s much different. If you have a daughter and she likes to do things that are typically “boy,” you are probably prepared to look for a class or a program that makes her feel comfortable. Not only that, but the coach or teacher is usually aware of the particular challenges of being one among many and goes out of their way to make her feel comfortable. I can think of countless soccer teams with ten boys and one girl where the adults make a point of including the girl and treating her equally. And even as the girls get older and move into single sex teams, there’s still recognition that if a girl wants to participate, they have the right to be there.

But apparently, this is not the case if you’re a boy.

What amazes me is the lack of care and consideration we have towards our sons in similar situations. “Boys don’t like to dance,” “Boys don’t like to read,” “Boys don’t like to be in plays,” are just a few examples I have heard repeatedly as a teacher, writer, and parent. As if we, the adults, are not the ones responsible for creating the very environments where our boys would feel comfortable and included.

In my son’s case, he lasted two classes. I simply couldn’t believe my eyes as he was excluded and ignored by the teacher and not surprisingly, therefore, the students. He sat by himself fighting back tears. When I talked to the staff, they informed me that they have problems with boys all the time.  When I asked if they even think about why they are having problems retaining boys, the person shrugged and said, “Boys don’t like to dance.” Well mine did. That is until he took that class.

So the question to all of us is why we are so committed to forcing boys out of arenas that are typically reserved for girls?

At least with girls, it is understood that the world can be an exclusive place for them and they have the language and voice to speak out against it. Boys usually don’t know this, and in their ignorance learn to feel ashamed for anything they do that is remotely girl-like.

As my son and I drove home after the hip hop debacle and I told him we would withdraw him from the class, I asked him to think about this experience if he was ever in the situation where there was one girl with a group of boys.  He nodded and then said, “I just want to go home.”

I waited to reinforce the lesson another day, and instead we just went home to listen to Grandmaster Flash and Mary J. Blige so he could reclaim the music he loves.

First published on Family Circle Momster.

Many listeners believed that this mother’s request was reasonable. Some people believed that this mother didn’t have to give a reason. She, as the mother, wanted the pictures down so that’s what should happen. Others believed that posting the pictures violated her child’s legal right to privacy.

On the face of it, I can understand why some parents feel that the party host was wrong to post the pictures without the other parents consent. As the parent, it seems entirely reasonable that you should be the one to decide when and where your child’s image is made public.

But let’s face it. When was the last time you went to a kid’s birthday party when most of the people there weren’t whipping out their cell phones and taking pictures? All it takes is one really cute picture for parents to post it on every social networking site they use.

We don’t have social events without cameras anymore. I can think of several social situations where my children’s pictures were posted on people’s Facebook pages without asking my permission. End-of-year soccer pizza dinners, Halloween parties, and playing in someone’s backyard immediately come to mind.

Regardless of how we feel about it, the reasonable expectation should be our participation in social events will be posted on-line rather than not.

Majoo and Joffe also asked Carolyn E. Wright, a lawyer who specializes in photography and law, to clarify how one’s right to privacy is defined when your picture is taken. According to Wright, you’re legally allowed to take someone’s picture unless there is an expectation of privacy. Walking in the street, reading a book in your living room with the blinds open, and people taking pictures at a party are all scenarios where there is no expectation of privacy. If you’re in a public bathroom, reading a book in your living room with the blinds closed, or hanging out at someone’s house where there are no cameras, there is an expectation of privacy.

Important to note is that the law defines the privacy of the moment when the picture is taken; not when it’s posted on line.  So clearly the host was not legally violating the child’s right to privacy when she took the picture or posted it later on her blog.  But the higher goal is how to have good relations with other parents and respect their wishes for their child. To that end, here’s my suggestion for addressing this problem:

If you are the host:

Let people know that you plan to post pictures of the party so if anyone objects, they can let you know. When pictures are taken, the child can be removed from view. (If you’re saying that removing the child socially penalizes the child, that’s being unrealistic. If the parent really doesn’t want his child in pictures then this problem is going to come up repeatedly. In that case, the parent who doesn’t want the pictures taken has to communicate that to their child).

If you are the parent who doesn’t want things posted:

Like any parental concern you have when your child is in someone else’s care, you need to let them know what’s going on. As was mentioned in the podcast, think of it as if your child has an allergy. Just like you would ask if there are nuts in the food, ask the host if they plan to take pics. If so, just ask that your child be seated outside the camera view.

This may feel like an example of technology changing the basic rules of conduct in uncomfortable ways. While these shifts are undoubtedly true, it’s critical to take the time to understand the context for how these changes occur and what’s reasonable to expect from each other. And what doesn’t change is the more important value that we place on being considerate of each other and valuing our different perspectives. If we operate from that place, our relationships with each other will be strong and our children taken care of in the right way.

This blog  originally posted on Family Circle Momster.

Rosalind moderates the panel “Digital Drama and Kids Behaving Badly” at the Family Online Safety Institute’s 2011 conference. This excellent panel includes MTV’s Jason Rzepka, Joe Laramie of the Missouri Police, Jenny Pokempner from the Juvenile Law Center, & Paula Goldberg from PACER Center.

As a culture, we are quick to report the problems that exist within our younger generation of youth. What I rarely hear or read about is a feasible solution.

Sexual harassment falls under an umbrella of similar issues. Many teenagers are desensitized to the pervasive enormity of sexual content and violence that exists in mainstream media. Many don’t even realize what they are doing is considered harassment; it’s just normal lunchtime chatter. Educators can’t tell teenagers to “stop” without explaining why they should, or the repercussions that could occur from their unwanted behaviors and/or gestures. We have to do the unthinkable; we have to talk about it.

I have been a school counselor for almost a decade and have worked in both middle and high school settings. I have witnessed lewd comments, smirks, gay slurs, and pretty much anything you both can and can’t imagine. Lets get one thing straight; it is not always the boys harassing the girls. Harassment, in any form, occurs between all races, classes, genders, and ages. Educators have a responsibility to understand, recognize, and handle it in an efficient and effective manner.

When an educator hears, hears of, or sees any type of inappropriate behavior, they have a duty to intervene. When you always take action, kids identify you as a safe person. Every situation has different variables and in a school setting is handled on a case-by-case basis. Many times the harasser doesn’t realize they’ve crossed the line, sometimes the victim doesn’t realize it either. And generally speaking, teenagers are concerned about what reporting will do to their social status and believe that reporting will make it worse.

In order to control this problem, it needs to be clearly defined and our standards reinforced often. Educators need to develop enough of a rapport to be approachable if a student is concerned, and they must never minimize the issue.

Scenario 1: A 14-year-old boy is constantly taunted in his World History class for having “moobs,” otherwise known as “man boobs.” After weeks of enduring the never-ending comments, he finally musters up enough courage to tell his teacher. The teacher replies with “oh, they are just joking, ignore them.” The student says he can’t, and teacher replies with “do you want me to move your seat?”

Scenario 2: An 11-year-old girl is refusing to dress out for PE, and often asks to go to the nurse during class. Concerned, the PE teacher calls her parents and sets up a conference. During the conference the girl revels what is going on. She is more developed than any of her peers and other girls make fun of her in the locker room. They call her a whore, hide her clothes, and once decorated her locker with sanitary napkins. When she reports who is harassing her, the teacher remarks, “I cannot imagine them doing that, they are such nice girls, are you sure?” Then suggests the girl change in the bathroom and “ignore them.”

Scenario 3: A 16-year-old girl is in a marketing class that does a lot of group work. They have been working in the same group all semester and there is a boy that consistently touches her inappropriately. He grazes her thigh, puts his hand on her lower back, and rubs his leg against hers under the table. She finally tells her mother, who immediately calls the teacher and demands her daughter is removed from that group. The following day, the teacher announces to the class, “due to someone not being able to keep their hands to themselves, you all have new groups and have to start over on your projects.”

I could list different scenarios for pages, and let me assure you that the three aforementioned are not uncommon, nor is they way they are handled. Can you blame students for not coming forward? We have a duty to stop blaming the victim and start creating a safe climate where this behavior simply isn’t tolerated.
These teachers had a fortuitous opportunity to apologize to the student for having to endure the harassment, offer to listen, assure the victim it would be handled appropriately, and most importantly, follow through. Every student deserves a safe school environment and it is our job to ensure this happens.

I don’t have an easy solution to this problem. I can confidently assert that it starts with education (especially media literacy), speaking up, believing the victim, and following through. Every student should identify at least 2 adults they can trust within the school. Additionally, every school district has a strict policy about sexual harassment, and it is often well defined. If you are an educator or parent, I encourage you to go to your district’s homepage and both read and discuss the policy with your child or students. The simple gesture of beginning this conversation, without judgment, opens the door to creating a safer place for all students.

Julia V. Taylor
Twitter @juliavtaylor

Below are a few additional resources for educators:

Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty Pleasure TV

Teaching Tolerance: Sexual Harassment Lesson Plans

Discovery Education: Sexual Harassment Lesson Plan

Faces of Harassment in Schools

“Even though there is an on-going investigation, for all those children who have come forward I am sorry. We don’t know what the conclusion will be but as the police chief in this community, it is my sacred responsibility to protect our most vulnerable. I will work hard to do so in any way I can now and in the future.”

This is what an honorable leader does who prioritizes the emotional and physical safety of the people in his community.

He does not hide.

It’s bad enough that a pedophile creates a structure where he can systematically sexual assault children year after year. But now it seems clear that not only did other adults allow it to happen, but they contributed to the abuse by ostracizing and dehumanizing the victims. All I can think of is how incapable adults seem to be of doing the right thing.

To be clear, here is how the extended network of enablers made the sexual assault of children even worse:

1. When a victim tried to get help from an adult, the message was that Sandusky’s stature in the community and the pedestal football was placed upon within the Penn State Community was more important than the child.
2. Adults who dismissed or silenced the victims by saying that they shouldn’t stain Sandusky’s reputation and he had “a heart of gold” (which school officials told the mother of a victim) are not just ignorant bystanders. Make no mistake, at the very least, they contributed to the silencing of a child and parent who were desperately trying to get help.
3. Mothers who came forward were belittled and dismissed. It is becoming clear that the power of these men silenced the mothers. If the mothers did come forward they were dismissed and ridiculed. The whole thing was built to silence the victims and the mothers who didn’t have the power to have their voice heard.

We are now faced with an incredible question: Was the power of Penn State’s football legacy so overwhelming that many people, however tangentially connected to it, became moral degenerates? In my previous article on this issue, I described my experiences with other institutions in somewhat similar circumstances and how to understand the seemingly incomprehensible decision to protect the abusers over the abused.

It is clear that being in a situation like this can be overwhelming, leading to confusion and regrettable choices in the moment.  That’s why it is important to give yourself space to remember who you are and what you stand for, and to digest the information rather than reacting.  Following are some strategies you can use if you ever find yourself in a situation like this one:

If someone comes to you for help, the only thing you should say is “Thank you so much for telling me. I am sure that it was really hard to tell me. Let me find out what I need to do to start the process where you can feel safe.” Never say anything about what you think about the alleged perpetrator’s guilt or innocence. Never say, “I can’t believe what you are telling me. That’s not possible,” even if you are having a hard time believing it. Instead, go through the process of verifying the claim and go from there.

If you are a child or parent who goes to an authority figure and they dismiss what you are saying, your response is, “I don’t want to discuss if you think he is innocent. I am asking you to help me (or my child) feel safe and go through the process to verify my claim.” If they won’t do that, then ask to speak to someone else because that person is worse than worthless to you:  they are part of the problem.

We all need to do some hard looking at ourselves and what we stand for because Penn State is not the only community who has had this ugly exploitation and betrayal of its most vulnerable. As I have said before, the moment you think this can’t occur in your community, is the moment you become more vulnerable to it.

I talk to teens everyday about topics that are often extraordinarily uncomfortable. I am getting to the place where I have nothing else to say but this:

“Adults in positions of power will often abuse it. Many adults, especially those who cultivate the image of honor, will betray the values they say they hold dear. Others adults will either back up the bullies or be incapable of stopping them. Your best bet is to become aware of this as fast as possible, figure out which adults in your life can watch your back and don’t trust anyone else.”

Yes, it’s cynical. But what’s the alternative? In twelve hours I will be working with 150 high school student leaders. I, for one, am not going to pretend that adults are anything less than a disappointment.

This is a problem I know too well and it’s an important one to discuss with young people. Over the last 15 years that I have worked with schools, I have witnessed many tragedies in which students, teachers, or coaches have abused the most vulnerable members of their communities. From freshmen boys being sexually assaulted in hazing rituals, girls being severely sexually harassed, to teachers having sexual relationships with students. It happens. And while I have worked with many administrators who take action immediately, I have too often also seen people in leadership positions look the other way, isolate and discredit the victim, do the minimum, and justify keeping it “in-house.” Make no mistake, all of those reactions condone the abuse in the eyes of the victim, the bystanders, and the abusers and empower the perpetrator to continue the abuse.

The consequence of all this is not only on the people directly involved. It profoundly impacts the way all young people perceive adults as credible role models and trusted figures. So if any of we really want to contribute to stopping these kind of tragedies from occurring, we must be clear about how it happened and willing to have honest discussions with the teens in our lives.

So how did it happen?

The more an institution links masculinity with being loyal to the group and their superiors, the more likely its members will say little or nothing when they experience or witness abuse.  In this type of culture, speaking out is being disloyal.

When you add the discomfort of revealing homosexual sexual interaction in what is supposed to be an absolutely heterosexual environment, the victims and bystanders can be so ashamed and/or shocked that they describe the abuse in general terms. As in, “something bad happened in the shower.”

It is in this moment, when a victim or witness comes forward to a leader that the leader’s character is truly revealed. Will he protect the victim and immediately take measures to keep him safe? Will he support the witness, recognizing how hard it is to break the code of silence? Or, will he act in such a way that communicates to all under him that he protects the bully?

This is the essence of ethical leadership. You have three choices: Support the victim’s right to be safe, stay “neutral,” – which in reality is siding with the abuser – or overtly back up the abuser. The more unquestioned public power the leader has, the more likely the leader will back up the abuser and sacrifice the vulnerable to maintain the institution’s appearance of greatness.  Consider also that while school traditions and “institutions” can be a positive force on campus, if there isn’t a constant examination of how people in positions of power within those traditions can abuse it, it’s only a matter of time before an abusive leader exploits the willing blindness of those around him.

We see such blindness in those Penn State students who chose to demonstrate – or riot – in support of the coach. This reminded me of a common high school reaction when a high social-status student is expelled for hazing or harassment. It is common for his peers to dismiss or rationalize the student’s behavior and do whatever they can to undermine the administrators who are holding the expelled student accountable. They can vandalize the school, wear black arms bands, get their easily-manipulated parents to back them–all to punish the school for “overreacting” and tarnishing the punished student’s reputation.

We know the protestors loved “JoePa” and think the punishment is too harsh.  We know they are furious that his legacy will be forever tarnished. This is just like those high school protestors. By holding Paterno and others like him accountable you acknowledge the reality that in the moment when it really mattered, the leaders you feel so much pride in and even tie your self-identity to acted in ways that were entirely hypocritical to everything they purported to stand for. Instead, it’s much easier to lash out and refuse to admit what actually occurred. But really, although it is sad that someone who worked for almost 50 years coaching football will not end his career with the dignity of being in attendance for his last home game, that is nothing compared to the victims whose dignity was literally stripped from them as they were sexually assaulted.

One of the most extraordinary aspects of the Penn State tragedy is that for many of us it is the first time we’ve seen leader who did the bare minimum pay the price for his inaction. Joe Paterno has paid that price at the highest, most public level.   Let us hope others will learn from this example.

But how? How do we make a difference out of this horrible thing?

Sit down with your teens and ask them what they think about these adults betraying kids. Ask them what they think about the issues I have raised above. Our kids needs relationships with adults that they can depend on. They need to know with 100% certainty that there is at least one adult in their lives who they know is ethically and morally sound. And while it may be uncomfortable to have these discussions with them, it is actually the very act of reaching out and showing that you are willing to talk about this betrayal that makes the biggest difference in the lives of the young people you care about.

Like many school districts across the country, educators in  Marshfield, Missouri  are tackling bullying any way they can.  A recent visit by Rosalind attracted counselors, administrators and educators from around the area, as well as the attention of news outlet KY3, who posted this report.  (Click here to read article)

For more than a year, it has been a great privilege for me to work closely with the producers at Anderson Cooper 360 to put together a variety of programs that draw attention to the myriad of bullying-related issues that exist in our country. Beginning with AC360′s first bullying special in the fall of 2010 following the Tyler Clementi suicide, Anderson and his producers have never ceased to impress me with their dedication to this topic, and their willingness to examine and discuss it in a way that inspires real conversation and action. This year we have put together what I believe is another truly fantastic special that aired Sunday night on CNN for the first time, and will air again later this week. Please check your local listings for AC360′s Bullying: It Stops Here, on Friday, October 14. Additionally, the entire week of October 10-15, AC360 will air a special series on bullying at 8 and 10pm each night. You can learn more about all of Anderson Cooper’s anti-bullying programming by clicking here.

Rosalind made another appearance this week on AC360 to defend the implementation of anti-bullying programs in schools.  In the aftermath of yet another bullying-related teen suicide, Anderson Cooper once more turned to Rosalind, along with colleague Rachel Simmons, to counter claims by certain Christian groups that such programs are unnecessary and even discriminatory against Christian beliefs.