Click here to download the May 2012 issue of Ask Rosalind.

You may think that my sister, with her lack of parenting experience and fabulous pants, wouldn’t know how to hold her own with kids. That would be a mistake. Because Zoe knows my children will try to exploit every opportunity to get what they want.

Today she called me while watching my kids, and I was reminded of how cool it is when siblings provide crucial parental backup.

Zoe: Are they allowed to watch TV right now?

Me: Of course not. What did they say?

Zoe: I asked Roane (the 9-year-old), “Did you ask your parents if you could watch TV?” And he said yes. So I said, “Are you telling me the truth?” And you know what he said? “Do I have to be 100% positive about my answers?”

Me: He really said that?

Zoe: Yup. So I told him that while that was a very good answer and he’s very cute, I was calling you to find out.

It was a small moment, really insignificant in the larger scheme of things. But such moments teach my boys some very important things about the adults in their family: We’re no fools. We will and do talk to each other. And although we love them unconditionally, that doesn’t mean we believe them unconditionally.

-Rosalind

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/3ZFMTNF

Treat everyone the way you want to be treated.

I’ve never specifically talked to my kids about race but my kids know that everyone should be treated equally.

Unfortunately, these are the most common statements parents say about talking to their children about race.

I’m fully aware that people may read what I just wrote and think I’m out of my mind. In fact, I’d totally understand if you thought, “Why unfortunate? That’s exactly what parents should be saying to their kids.”

But the reality is that for most parents, that’s all we say. We keep it general because we often don’t understand or admit to ourselves our own feelings about race. So we believe we are imparting our values and that our children will turn around and value people equally regardless of race.

Well, the reality is a lot more complicated and uncomfortable, and if you watch Anderson Cooper’s special Kids on Race you’ll see what I mean. What the AC360 team did was empathetically but directly challenge all of us to confront the truth about what kids think about race. As the researchers they worked with showed, while we have made great improvements in reducing explicit racism, we have much farther to go to stop implicit racism: the biases we all have about people of different races.

AC360 asked Dr. Melanie Killen, a revered child psychologist and University of Maryland professor, to design and implement the study, help highlight and explain key findings and offer advice and explanations to parents who allowed their children to participate.

Specifically, the show investigates a concept known as “subconscious racial bias.” This is described as “a bias that kids pick up on from messages they hear at school, at home, the characters in the TV shows they watch, what they see online.” As Killen points, these are not overt feelings of racism, but rather “the things that we’re not aware of, the things that we do when we don’t realize it.”

And acknowledging and understanding how those biases work is essential if we are truly committed to making our culture less racist.

No doubt this a very uncomfortable thing to do. Think about how awkward people get about even talking about race difference. Like when a young child describes an African American person as a black person and the parent shushes the child. Or when we are describing a person of color to someone else and we’ll describe everything about them except one of their primary physical traits–the color of the skin. It’s laughable except for the fact that those shushed children learn that there’s something inherently so shameful about these people with darker skin that a physical characteristic can’t even be named and dancing around a subject never gets us to authentic dialogue.

As I watched the show, I caught myself wondering how my sons would answer the questions the researchers asked the kids in the show. But what I am certain about it that even though I’ve talked to them a lot about race, I wouldn’t be shocked if they answered like all the other kids and showed race bias against African Americans.

So tomorrow night my children will be very happy when I tell them they get to watch TV after they do their homework–and then we’ll watch the show and discuss it over dessert. I don’t want my children living in a race-blind society. I do want them living in a racism-aware society. Kids on Race is a great way to do help me do that.

How have you spoken to your kids about race? Share in the comments below.

*Originally published in Family Circle Momster

President Obama will also give an opening statement to Stop Bullying: Speak up. Whatever your politics, it’s so important that our children see our President speak out against bullying. I can truly say that when I heard Mr. Obama speak at the White House Conference on Bullying last March, it was clear that he cares deeply about this issue, not just as the President but as a father.

After the special, I hope you use the film as an on-going resource. To make that easier, Cartoon Network will post the special in its entirety on the website and you can see check it out on Xfinity, Facebook, iTunes and YouTube.com, for at least two weeks following the world premiere.

If you want to have a discussion with your child after you see the special, here are some questions to get you started.

 

Which children said things you agreed with? Why?

Which children said things you disagreed with? Why?

Do you agree with Matt Willhem’s description of tattling or snitching and reporting?

Although it may not be easy, I also suggest paying particular attention to the section where the kids share experiences of telling their parents. It’s always good to check in with your child to see how they feel about asking for help or telling you about a problem like bullying. Ask them if they have suggestions for how you can improve your reactions and make it easier for them to reach out to you. It’s so important that our kids feel that they can share with us these difficult experiences and my sincere hope is that this film plays a small part in doing that.

Watch the “Stop Bullying: Speak Up” special presentation this Sunday, March 18, at 5:30/4:30c on Cartoon Network.

In the meantime, send questions about bullying to http://bit.ly/wyaPEe –  Rosalind  will be answering viewer questions after the show.

And on March 30th the powerful feature documentary “Bully” hits theaters nation-wide.

You can read more about both these important films in this article by New York Times blogger KJ Dell’Antonia.

You don’t say anything. Many well-meaning parents can relate to this scenario. But the hard truth is that this is the adult behavior that supports bullying. These are the actions that come across as not wanting to be “the parent” in difficult situations because you’re afraid your child will get angry with you.

If you want to do your part to stop bullying, you have to understand the dynamics at play in that car and you have to say something. You have to clearly communicate what you stand for. So here are some suggestions for how to manage the situation.

When you hear the rude comment, take a deep breath, focus on what you’re about to say as you pull the car over, and put it in park. Take your seat belt off, and turn to face the kids in the back seat, while ignoring your son’s silent begging or death stares. As you make eye contact with all of them say,

You: Josh, I just overheard you tell Mike that he was gay to insult the way he’s playing basketball.

Josh: It’s just what we say! It doesn’t mean the same thing now! Mike doesn’t mind do you?”

Mike: “No, they’re just messing with me. I know they don’t mean it.”

You: Here’s the deal. Using words like gay, or like a girl to put someone down is just unacceptable.

Josh: But it’s not our fault if the girls are terrible at basketball that’s just a fact! And gay just means stupid.

You: That’s not the issue. The issue is using those words to make someone feel worthless and not as good as you are.

Josh gives you the stare that you are crazy and annoying. Your son stares out the window pretending he was born into a different family.

If any of you want to talk to your parents about what I just said, please do so. Everybody got it? Good—anyone want to drop by the park on the way home?

It’s also important to end by encouraging the kids to talk to their parents about what you said. Not only because it’s smart to be transparent when you have these teachable moments with other people’s children but it also protects you from any of the kids coming home and accusing you of “screaming and totally freaking out” to their parents.

By the way, this strategy works any time kids say inappropriate and/or mean things around you. I had one mother use this strategy in the car after years of silently putting up with her daughter and her friends trashing other girls. It was important for her to realize how her silence had contributed to the girls’ feeling that they could be so mean and cruel to others. Once she stood her ground, the girls’ behavior improved at home and school.

And one last point. Yes, in the moment when we speak out, we will absolutely embarrass children. In the short term, they won’t like us one bit for getting involved. But it’s only in these moments that our kids see evidence of what our values look like in action, that they really get what’s important to us. They understand that they have a mom or dad who is willing and able to take a public stand when you see people being cruel. That’s a lesson they can take with them for a lifetime.

**First published on Family Circle Momster.