What’s the big deal here, really? Isn’t this just another grating example of girls’ sexualization, fodder that seems to arrive weekly? And who cares if some little girls want to try some big girl dancing? As one of the girls’ parents told Good Morning America, the outfits are “actually no different than when kids are going swimming — they go in the swimming pool with a bathing suit. These kids are going to a dance competition and they’re wearing dance costumes in front of a dance audience.”

So, like, isn’t this the same thing as getting a pedicure with Mommy or tottering around in her spiked heels?

No and no. Thrusting your pelvis, crouching seductively and shaking your butt like a stripper are inherently sexual acts. And if their bodies didn’t make the point, the clothing surely did. This wasn’t just dancing – it was erotic dancing.

When it comes to growing up, sexuality is a sacred part of the developing self. While almost all of us experiment sexually, should seven year old girls’ first experiences be quite so explicit and public? It’s one thing to try on your mom’s heels, and it’s quite another to do it for an audience. As a You Tube commenter wrote in the girls’ defense, the kids don’t even know what they’re doing. Exactly — that’s the point and my concern.

Let me be clear: the sexual part isn’t the problem – girls are sexual creatures from the get-go. The problem is that these girls are adopting an expression of sexuality that isn’t really theirs. It’s not discovered or sought out in response to internal desire or curiosity.

Moreover, the dancing introduces girls to an experience of sexuality that is being defined for them by a media conglomerate. It’s a product sold by the constellation of financial interests that stand behind Beyonce. These are hardly people invested in the safe and healthy development of girls’ sexuality. And the girls are a ways off, cognitively and developmentally speaking, from being able to look critically at the media they’re mimicking.

The Single Ladies debacle set off a pandemic of parent judgment, but sexuality educator and author Dr. Logan Levkoff calls foul. “What disturbs me is that this was made public, and in turn, has created the perfect storm of hypocrisy. In our own homes, we laugh off girls’ burgeoning sexuality. In public, we scream and yell and finger wag. (Both are incredibly problematic.)”

The sexualization of girls cuts girls off from authentic desire and emotion by pressuring them to regard themselves as objects, and encouraging sexuality as a performance for others. In their 2007 report, the American Psychological Association (APA) concluded that early sexualization of girls is linked to eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression. The APA defines sexualization as when:

• a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
• a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
• a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
• sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.

Only one of these conditions must be present in order for sexualization to occur.

So I’m thinking about these very talented girls, and what it was like to get up on that stage and do that routine. The roar of crowd approval (and the resulting You Tube frenzy) was no doubt a thrilling rush. Was it only about the dancing? If those girls had done a rip-roaringBalanchine suite, would it be viral You Tube material? The attention teaches them a destructive lesson: be sexy and be valued. All at the age when, speaking to GMA, they have lingering baby talk in their voices.

The irony is that dance is actually a powerful vaccine against sexualization. Dance can tether girls to their bodies and emotions in transformative ways. In March, I watched the young women of the Roots dance troupe move in front of over 300 high school girls. I have never seen women own their bodies the way they did. It was clear that they danced first for each other and themselves, and then for the audience.

They were no less erotic than the girls in the Single Ladies video, but they were erotic on their own terms. They were erotic in the sense that the late, great Audre Lorde defined, using a “power which rises from our deepest and nonrational knowledge.” This kind of erotic exists on “a deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling.” This kind of erotic “is not only a question of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing.”

During the Q & A that followed their performance, the Roots troupe explained to the girls that music video dancing is just one way to be sexy. The kind of dance most publicized is the one that flush record companies can bankroll — so it’s the only one most girls see.

And that’s the real problem for me. Girls are being sold a narrow idea of sexuality and the erotic that is based primarily on how you appear to others. This kind of dance is about being seen and consumed first and foremost, and less about what comes from within.

We have become desensitized to sex, just as we have to violence. Kids’ elastic bodies and intrepid physical risk taking make them capable of extraordinary athletic feats. But just because you can wrap your leg behind your ear doesn’t mean you should.

For more information about girls’ sexualization:

So Sexy, So Soon: The New Sexualized Childhood and What Parents Can Do to Protect their Kids by Jean Kilbourne and Diane Levin.

The American Psychological Association Task Force Report on the Sexualization of Girls (2007)

Sexualization Summit in NYC (do something about it!)

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com.

Schafer also spoke with female rapper/activist La Tehre, who organizes an annual meeting of femcees calledMomma’s Hip Hop Kitchen, showcasing women artists, especially women of color.

This 30 minute interview is a terrific piece to play for high school girls, and below are my suggestions for a discussion. Before I get there, some background on why I care.

When I was in college, I listened to Queen Latifah’s “Black Reign” album until the tape ribbon broke.

The song “U.N.I.T.Y” was like an anthem: “Instinct leads me to another flow/everytime I hear a brother call a girl a bitch or a ho/trying to make a sister feel low/you know all a that gots to go” (see the rest of the lyrics here. It’s worth the click).

Salt n’ Pepa took me through high school, with their strong focus on independence and, as Huff notes, “social and personal responsibility, particularly in terms of the consequences involved when people aren’t honest and diligent in their dealings with one another (“Chick on the Side,” “Let’s Talk About Sex,” “Heaven & Hell”).”

In the 90s, Lauryn Hill’s “Miseducation” album burned up my CD player. Known as one of the best MCs of all time, man or woman, she left the spotlight soon after her first album.

Today, it’s not that femcees aren’t out there; it’s that they can’t make it big unless, says La Tehre, they’re willing to conform to industry pressure to become sex objects.

Here are my suggestions for a discussion with girls. If you decide to incorporate my suggestions below for using actual songs and videos, please read the lyrics and watch all videos on your own before showing them to girls. They contain offensive lyrics and imagery and may not be appropriate for your audience.

Play the Soundcheck story (it’s a little under 30 minutes) for your girls and start a discussion:

• Why do you think there are so few female rappers making it big? How do you feel about that?
• Are you more likely to see females in a hip-hop scene rapping or dancing? What do you think about that?
• Do the female rappers you are familiar with have anything in common? (Encourage girls to consider if they are conventionally feminine or sexy, for example)
• Do you agree with La Tehre that women can only succeed in the industry if they are willing to look like “Barbie?” Is that true in other entertainment industries? If so, what message does this send about the success and potential of women? Are women really equal to men?
• Ask the girls who their favorite female rappers are. Why do they like them? Are they different than male rappers or pretty much the same?
• Should female rappers be different, or is it unfair to expect more from them? Should they be role models?

Play the song “U.N.I.T.Y” by Queen Latifah and distribute the lyrics. Then – keeping in mind that she can curse a blue streak – play a song by Nicki Minaj, a currently successful female rapper, and look at those lyrics, too (here’s her MySpace page for some song choices). Ask girls to reflect on the differences between the Queen’s rapping and some of the female rappers they listen to today. You might also want to show girls some photos of each rapper: here’s the cover for Black Reign, and here’s one of Nicki; discuss the differences in the photos. Alternatively, compare music videos. Here’s U.N.I.T.Y and here’s a video by Nicki Minaj.

Much has been said recently about the representation of women in hip-hop. A terrific resource here is Byron Hurt’s “Beyond Beats and Rhymes,” which examines masculinity and manhood in hip-hop. This is a chance to go further and talk about women not just as images, but as agents trying to make it in the industry.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

First, a bit on how these sites work: sign on to Omegle, click “text” and a message pops up that says, “You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!” Chatting starts out relatively innocuous, though in the five times I tried, most “strangers” wanted to know if I was male or female, or told me if they were (they were all male). You, or your partner, can always disconnect at will.

Chatroulette works pretty much the same way, except instead of a text that pops up, it’s a video. You allow the website to turn on your computer’s camera, and you’re off.  You can easily switch to chat with another user by clicking “stop” or “next;” so can your partner. In the five times I tried as I was writing this, I got two masturbating men (with tight shots of their exposed genitals), two men’s faces, and one man who texted “baby like China sex.”

Did I mention a ton of teen girls frequent this site?

What Girls Say

Girls say the sites can be fun and entertaining. You can pretend you’re famous or look for the celebs who supposedly use the sites, ask silly questions, or save random conversations to laugh about with your friends later. You can meet people in cool places, too. “I’ve made some really great friends through [Chatroulette], especially people from France.” AW, 16, told me. It’s been, she added, “110% beneficial to my French grade.” Many girls go on Chatroulette in groups, adding to the fun factor.

All the girls I asked thought these websites could also be dangerous for girls. JS, 15, says Omegle is “greatly misused” by girls. “It teaches girls to hide behind their computers and say whatever they want.”

Girls had a lot to say about the creeper factor on both sites. GK, 17, says, “Chatroulette has a fine line between funny and a good time to creepy and borderline pedophile. In my experience there were many guys that I encountered, mostly older by themselves or with a friend. The first thing they ask is if they can get anything, such as a girl to expose herself or something with no strings attached. This is entertainment for them and some girls think it’s just as entertaining to go along with it.”

On Omegle, says JS, “almost half the time you log onto the site, the first thing the stranger you get connected to says ‘slutty?’ Sometimes you disconnect and try again, but almost all the time my friends play along. They pretend to be a person they either wish they could be or someone demeaning, like a ‘slut,’ something they know guys like. It completely lowers your self-esteem as a person and makes you feel worthless. No one will act like themselves on these sites.”

What I Think

I understand the appeal of both of Omegle and Chatroulette. That said, I worry that the sites further loosen the social rules about what you should and shouldn’t say to another person – at the exact moment when young women are developing their communication skills. Unlike chatting with people you know, you really can say anything here, and there truly are no consequences. You can be cruel, or just unkind, or sexually explicit, and none of it really matters.

While it’s fair to point out that you can have fun and keep it clean – no sexually transmitted infections, etc. – I’d bet chronic users might be picking up a different sort of nasty ailment: You get a little too accustomed to serving up your unfiltered thoughts. The easier it becomes to shoot from the hip on these sites, the easier it’ll be to do it with people you know. Don’t like a yucky convo on Omegle? Click “next.” Not so much in real life, though.

This desensitization makes it easy not just to say anything, but do anything. Among the very few girls I spoke with for this blog, one told me she had met a guy on Chatroulette and sent him an explicit video of herself (and regretted it later).  Which is the thing about Chatroulette and Omegle: when it gets sexual, you’re sexting with a stranger, so it feels a whole lot easier to do.

In a recent blog about the website Formspring, I argued that Formspring took cyberbullying to a new level (and low) by making it appear consensual. These chat sites do something similar for sexting, making it “safer” because there’s virtually no chance of a peer or relative finding out.

Chatroulette isn’t all about sex, but there sure is a lot of it. When you log on and face a man’s exposed genitals, it’s like a porn reality show. In fact, the only difference between what you’re seeing and a real porn film is production value, plus the fact that this one might talk back to you. Add that to the site’s video game feel — it actually refers to itself as a “game,” and you can click “new game” to start to “play” – and you’ve got an experience in which users are totally desensitized to what they’re seeing and doing.

Girls are hardly passive users. Many say that using Chatroulette in groups often results in girls daring each other to flash people on camera, or write or say sexual things.  That, says GK, “is where it turns bad.” Is this peer pressure 2.0? Nothing wrong with a little Truth or Dare, but the stakes seem a lot scarier here.

“Personally,” wrote AF, 17, “I think [Chatroulette] is a little unsettling so I don’t use it.” Unsettling is indeed the word. When I used the sites, my heart rate increased uncomfortably; even though I knew I couldn’t be “found,” I still felt nervous about being seen. I also felt a surprising twinge of rejection and even hurt when people disconnected from me.

AF thinks these sites are okay as long as girls stay smart. She advises girls to remember that “people are probably going on with the intention of upsetting the other ‘stranger’” and not to take anything you hear too seriously. “Keep in mind that it’s in the spirit of fun. If [a girl] is confident and down to earth, she’ll hopefully know to let any trolling remarks roll off her back – but if she has low self-esteem or is very sensitive, she may make a choice that may be bad.”

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

Formspring takes cybercruelty to a new low by making it appear consensual. You sign up for your own account, literally inviting others to bash you with their “honest” opinions. Because it appears consensual, it no longer seems like cybercruelty at all. It just becomes another avenue for teens to communicate, and it desensitizes them to what they’re doing.

“I hate you,” writes one peer.
“You’re slutty,” opines another.

Account holders are always able to respond, and most act as if they don’t care.

“I’d f*** you,” muses one.
“thanks I mean very blunt but still flattering,” responds the account holder.

Remember, these are often friends writing the comments. To wit:

“I’ve known you for a long time. you’re not even that good at soccer. you just had one really good season…”

As you might expect, cyberbombs like this usually launch the account holder into an extended freak out about who could have written it. Imagine walking the halls or sitting in class, never knowing who is saying what on your Formspring. Not exactly conducive to good focus on your studies, if you get my drift.

I suspect girls are especially vulnerable to Formspring for several reasons:

1.    Most girls are passionately invested in their friendships and what others think of them. At the same time, they constantly second guess their peers about what they really think and mean. As I showed in The Curse of the Good Girl, the ubiquity of “just kidding” and the pressure to keep friendships conflict-free force lots of truth underground. Girls know it. Formspring gives you a perverse chance to “really find out what others think of you.”

2.    Many girls define social success as being liked by everyone. Despite my best efforts as a speaker, educator and mentor to tell girls that it just ain’t gonna happen, Formspring lets hope spring eternal: you can open an account and maybe, just maybe, you won’t get a mean comment. You’ll be that girl who everyone really loves!

There is zero, and I mean zero, value in this website and no girl or boy should spend a minute on it. Formspring creates unnecessary emotional risks. It legitimizes cybercruelty and divorces kids from responsibility for their words. You can pretty much file Formspring along with wouldn’t-it-be-fun-to-stand-on the-railroad-tracks-and-jump-right-before-the-train-comes and I’m-sure-no-one-will-notice-if-I-just-pocket-this-one-mascara.

So what to do? Here’s what I suggest. Start a conversation with your daughter about Formspring. Ask her if people at school use it (don’t start off by grilling her about what she does or she may scare and fly away). Ask her what she thinks of it. Then ask her if she uses it.

If she says yes, tell her she’s banned for life from the website. Period. Here’s what I tell kids when I suggest they to stop using it:

1.    It’s an invitation for people to be evil to each other without taking responsibility, which means people will exaggerate and even outright lie just to hurt you.
2.    By inviting people to say harmful things to you, and spending time reading about it, you disrespect yourself.
3.    There will always be haters. You will never be someone who is 100% liked by everyone. That doesn’t mean you need to set up a website to catalog who those people are. Focus on the relationships that bring you happiness and security, not people who tear you down.

Even if your daughter says no one has ever said anything mean to her, hold your ground. It’s only a matter of time.

If your daughter denies having an account, open your own account here (it’s very easy) and begin searching for your daughter by her name. Most kids include their full names in their accounts.

If you know me, you know I’m not in the habit of telling you to go behind your kid’s back. You can imagine how dangerous I find this website if I’m urging you to do it at all.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

These letters worry me. They signify a growing trend in girls’ sexual lives where they are giving themselves to guys on guys’ terms. They hook up first and ask later. The girls are expected to “be cool” about not formalizing the relationship. They repress their needs and feelings in order to maintain the connection. And they’re letting guys call the shots about when it gets serious.

My concern led me to Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus by sociologist Kathleen A. Bogle. It’s both a short history of dating culture and a study of the sexual habits of men and women on two college campuses. Hooking Up is a nonjudgmental window into the relational and sexual challenges facing young women today. It’s also a fascinating read.

Bogle opens with some downright cool history: In the first decade of the twentieth century, a young man could only see a woman of interest if she and her mother permitted him to “call” on them together. In other words, the women controlled the event.

Cut to a hundred years later: in today’s hook up culture, physical appearance, status and gender conformity determine who gets called on, and Jack, a sophomore, tells Bogle about party life at school: “Well, talking amongst my friends, we decided that girls travel in threes: there’s the hot one, there’s the fat one, and there’s the one that’s just there.” Er, we’ve come a long way, baby.

Like the girls who write to me at Teen Vogue, most of the women Bogle interviewed crammed their dreams of a boyfriend into casual connections determined entirely by the guys. Susan, a first year student, has a typical story: “…We started kissing and everything and then he never talked about…having it be a relationship. But I wanted…in my mind [I was thinking] like: ‘I want to be his girlfriend. I want to be his girlfriend.’….I didn’t want to bring it up and just [say] like: ‘So where do we stand?’ because I know guys don’t like that question.” Susan slept with the guy several times, never expressed her feelings, and ended the “relationship” hurt and dissatisfied.

Bogle’s interview subjects cope by using mental tricks like denial and fantasy to rationalize their choices, even going so far as to “fool themselves into believing they have a relationship when this is actually not the case.” They try to carve out emotional attachments within relationship categories determined by guys – “booty calls,” “friends with benefits,” etc. You can pretty much guess how that ends up.

According to Bogle, in the “dating era” (just the use of the word “era” tells you where college dating has gone), men asked women on dates with the hope that something sexual might happen at the end. Now, Bogle explains, “the sexual norm is reversed. College students…become sexual first and then maybe go on a date someday.”

So what’s the deal here? Is a world in which guys rule the result of the so-called man shortage on campus? Fat chance. More likely, we’re enjoying some unintended spoils of the sexual revolution. As authors like Ariel Levy and Jean Kilbourne and Diane Levin have shown, the sexualization of girls and young women has been repackaged as girl power. Sexual freedom was supposed to be good for women, but somewhere along the way, the right to be responsible for your own orgasm became the privilege of being responsible for someone else’s.

Which is exactly what’s playing out on today’s college campuses. College men, Bogle writes, “are in a position of power,” where they control the intensity of relationships and determine if and when a relationship will become serious. In case you haven’t caught on yet, us liberated girls are supposed to call this “progress.”

To be sure, although it may be a form of “enlightened sexism,” the hook up culture kicks it old school when it comes to the sexual double standard. Bogle writes that the system is “fraught with pitfalls that can lead to being labeled a ‘slut.’” Hook up with too many guys in the same frat, or go too far on the first hook up, drink too much, act too crazy, dress revealing…you know the drill. It’s high school with a better fake ID. Women who went too far and hit the trip wire were “severely stigmatized” by men. Liberating indeed.

Now, just to be clear, I’m all for the freedom to hook up. But let’s face it: despite our desire to give women the freedom to plunder the bar scene and flex their sexual appetites, it would appear a whole lot of them are pretty happy playing by old school rules, thank you very much. Incidentally, one of the women smart enough to figure this out just sold her 5 billionth book, or something like that.

Does that make me a right-winger? Can I still be a feminist and say that I’m against this brand of sexual freedom? I fear feminism has been backed into a corner here. It’s become antifeminist to want a guy to buy you dinner and hold the door for you. Yet – picture me ducking behind bullet proof glass as I type this — wasn’t there something about that framework that made more space for a young woman’s feelings and needs?

What, and who, are we losing to the new sexual freedom? I realize a guy buying you dinner is not the only alternative to the hook up culture (and I, like Bogle, am not discussing the lives of GLTBQ students here). Still, the question bears asking. Is this progress? Or did feminism get really drunk, go home with the wrong person, wake up in a strange bed and gasp, “Oh, God?”

Worth noting is one of Bogle’s more alarming findings: young women inaccurately perceive how often and how far their peers are going to hook up. Bogle reports that, despite a 2001 study setting the virginity rate among college students between 25 and 39 percent, the beliefs that “everyone’s doing it” and “I’m the only virgin” are powerful influences on the sexual choices of young women.

Girls are no stranger to hook up culture, as my Teen Vogue readers demonstrate. So here’s my fear: if they get too comfortable deferring to “kind of” and “sort of” relationships, when do they learn to act on desire and advocate for themselves sexually? Will they import these patterns of repressing thoughts and feelings into the more formal dating arrangements that follow after college? Will young women feel pressure not to challenge hook up culture because it appears uncool, unfeminine or antifeminist? (hint, hint: college women, please comment and let me know if I’m off here.)

This book opened my eyes to the need to begin teaching girls to pull back the curtain on the all-powerful hook up culture and deconstruct its terms and conditions. I, for one, am hard at work on lesson plans.

UPDATE: In Which I Get Taken On and Schooled in Mostly Awesome Ways – Don’t miss Salon Broadsheet’s inimitable Kate Harding responding critically to my piece. Nona Willis Aronowitz offers an honest and compelling perspective on the importance of learning hard lessons about sex. I want to make a billboard out of Feministing Community’s Maya Dusenberry’s poetic take on what a feminist’s responsibility is today (it’s the last paragraph).  Amanda Marcotte sends up a searing rebuke. For another challenge, check out blogger Jaclyn Friedman’s post on a recent study that says casual sex does not damage young men or women psychologically. Finally, blogger Per rips me a new one here.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com.

Phoebe’s death – and an explosion in cyberbullying worldwide – are telegraphing an emergency message to schools and families: we must take action now. Yet the vast majority of schools decline to intervene with real consequences when cyberbullying incidents occur.

Why? Because, school officials say, it’s happening off school grounds. I understand the legal issues involved, but I get really angry when I hear this argument. Schools are terrific at using technology to connect classrooms to the moon via NASA and to students in other countries. Classrooms without borders are swell when they teach – but when students start dehumanizing each other using the very same technology, and it threatens their education and safety at school, well, we can’t go there.

Cyberbullying has intensified the experience of getting bullied by literally shattering the walls between school and home. There is no escape. As Parry Aftab has said, cyberbullying follows you everywhere: home, summer camp, to Grandma’s house.

Which means that kids are being suffocated and overwhelmed by an onslaught of abuse. They are unable to find refuge from the torment. Suicide, for some, may feel like the only way out.

Fact is, it’s not enough to say to a kid, “So don’t go online. Don’t pick up the phone.” Could you follow that advice? I sure couldn’t. Young people are passionate about their reputations. They’re also developmentally unable to understand that anything beyond their personal hell exists.

With a recent study showing that youth spend nearly every waking moment with a device in their hands, I want to share some of my advice to parents on how to talk with your child about cyberbullying and digital citizenship. If you haven’t had this conversation, or one like it, do not pass go. The time is now.

1. Begin with a discussion. Raise the issue by talking about what you’ve heard or read. “It seems like cyberbullying is becoming a big deal lately.” Mention Phoebe’s suicide. Ask your child what she’s seen.
2. Let her know you’re there if she’s in trouble, no matter what – even if she’s partly responsible for a situation. Assure her that you’ll keep a problem between you when you can, and that you’ll be open to discussing it if she doesn’t want you to intervene (never promise that you won’t intervene). Your bottom line: this is a serious issue, and if she’s in trouble, you don’t want her to be alone, no matter what.
3. Ensure her cell phone and computer have screen locks that are password protected. Find other preventative steps you can take to keep your child safe here.
4. Let her know your policy on cyberbullying. For example: “I want to make sure we’re both clear on some rules around your use of technology. I expect you to conduct yourself online the same way you do in real life. That means making sure you treat people with kindness and respect at all times.”
5. Talk about some examples of what breaking the rules might look like. Use some of what you heard in the opening discussion you had to get specific about what’s not okay. Make sure she understands she is expected to steer clear of the following behaviors: She is expected not to use another person’s cell phone or computer without his/her permission; to circulate embarrassing photographs or video about another person; to forward hurtful or embarrassing messages or media; to use anonymous or unrecognizable screen names to communicate; to use foul or abusive language that could embarrass or hurt others. You may want to create an ethical Internet use contract together. See a sample here.
6. Explain your stance. Don’t just say “no;” explain why. Use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about the values that are important to you and your family: respect, kindness, integrity, and compassion.
7. Let her know technology is a privilege. “Being able to have a phone or computer is no different from being able to drive a car. When you get your license, it’s because you’ve proven you’re mature enough to follow rules and take others into consideration. The same will be true for tech use. If you aren’t mature enough to act with respect, you will lose your access.”
8. Emphasize the positive: “I see you as a person with enormous kindness, integrity and respect for others. I expect you to be that same person when you’re using an electronic device.  
9. Encourage empathy. Talk with your kids about what Phoebe may have been feeling when she was being bullied. Many are now identifying with Phoebe in death. By considering her experience before she died, kids can identify with her in life — and reflect on behaviors and situations they have real power to change.

It’s never too early to have this conversation. Talk to your kids about cyberbullying, and start talking to school officials about getting involved. South Hadley High School began every day last week with a moment of silence to remember Phoebe. Silence is the last thing we need on this issue. Let’s not let Phoebe die in vain.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

Learn More About Phoebe’s Story

Nagasu is apparently in a constant struggle with a ruthless alter ego she calls “evil Mirai.” Evil Mirai tells Nagasu that she is worthless. She spews vitriol about her talent and potential. Despite Nagasu’s extraordinary success, she is her own worst enemy.

Evan Lysacek, the reigning world champion who trains with Nagasu – who is also, go figure, a guy – doesn’t get it. “She’s so weird,” he told the Times. “I tell her how great she is, that she is more special than anyone else in this country, and she just keeps saying that she’s terrible. She has that ‘it’ factor. She just has to believe it, too.”

She doesn’t. Nagasu is suffering from the Curse of the Good Girl, the relentless pressure to be perfect at any cost. Known for her meltdowns whether she succeeds or fails, Nagasu’s self-esteem rises and falls based on accomplishments that will never be good enough. In this revealing comment, Nagasu implies her worth lives in her talent: “There are always moments when I think about leaving skating, but when I think about that I’m not very smart and I’m not very pretty and there’s nothing else that stands out about me besides my skating,” she said.

Nagasu is one of countless high achieving girls who are as fragile as they are driven. Research is confirming that girls suffer disproportionately from stress, despite their stellar achievements. The pressure to be perfect is taking its toll on girls, from depression and anxiety to paper thin skin.

In her book, Stressed Out Girls, psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler observed a spike in stress levels and psychological crises among girls who, she writes, are “prone to becoming estranged from their inner lives….[they] are so busy living up to others’ expectations that they either don’t develop or eventually relinquish their own goals. They are so focused on achieving external emblems of success that they don’t get the chance to figure out what really excites them and gives them pleasure. They barely know who they are or who they want to become.”

The Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls is now focusing its research exclusively on stress and wellness. In a recent newsletter, they shared findings indicating that “studies of affluent adolescents (those with family incomes above $100K/year) find that in comparison to national norms, affluent girls were three times more likely to report significant levels of depression.

“Further, research on affluent girls finds that, in comparison to low-income groups, affluent girls had very strong links between physical attractiveness and peer popularity.” There were two causes: “high achievement pressures and literal and emotional isolation from adults due to demanding parental careers and multiple after-school activities.”

Stress is hardly a malady of the wealthy. This is obviously a particular kind of pressure which can result from having too many resources, choices and expectations.

Nagasu’s all-or-nothing approach to achievement is likely the work of what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “fixed mindset,” an approach to life in which you believe your traits are set in stone, and failure means you’re not talented or smart. For these individuals, “one test – or one evaluation – can measure you forever.” People with a fixed mindset are terrible at estimating their abilities because for them, they are either amazing or terrible – all-or nothing.

The healthier, more reasonable approach to life’s challenges is what Dweck calls the “growth mindset.” People with this mentality believe their abilities can be developed. They are works in progress. They do not believe potential is fixed. They understand that effort develops ability over time. They’re more in it for themselves and the experience of growth than how they appear.

One key intervention to help girls cope with stress is to teach them skills to adopt a growth mindset. When girls can take the long view on their own development, events like exams, recitals and championships become less loaded.

Basic balance and self-care are also vital. Overachieving can become an addiction, a rush that replaces the more important — if less dramatic – sources of comfort: relationships, self-awareness, hobbies, spirituality, and so on. Girls need to check in with themselves about where their good feelings are coming from. If proportions are out of whack, it’s time to take stock and rethink your weekly schedule.

Not surprisingly, the only growth mindset among the top skaters seemed to reside in a 25 year old woman, Sasha Cohen, a comeback skater who was back in the game after four years off the ice. A crowd favorite, she fell during her program and just missed her dream. “I still really appreciate the challenge that I embraced,” she told the Times. “It was just so special to be back after four years.”

Nagasu took second place at Nationals and is headed for the Olympics. The Times reported that her “beauty and grace were dazzling.” How sad that she may not soon take in those words, or revel in the accomplishments an entire world can see.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

The ultimate prize of friendship in a girl’s world is the BFF or best friend forever. BFF’s are joined at the hip. They wear broken heart necklaces, fantasize about living next door to each other in twenty years – you know the drill.

But is there really such a thing as a BFF? Beginning around fourth grade, social politics say otherwise. As puberty arrives and girls start developing at wildly different speeds, friendships begin collapsing.

Well into middle and high school, you are as likely to see those BFF’s linking arms as you are to hear girls crying, “She stole her away from me,” “She won’t speak to me when the popular girl is around” and “She doesn’t play with me anymore at recess.” Those freshly besotted with shiny new BFF’s are googly-eyed and generally oblivious to their love-em-and-leave-em maneuvers. “Sometimes you just meet someone else and want to hang out with her,” a fifth grader gushed to me a few weeks ago.

When a supposedly BFF friendship ends, or changes, it can feel like the end of the world. Part of that is a genuine grief response, but I have found that girls often feel an additional layer of self-blame and despair that comes from unrealistic beliefs about friendship.

Part of the problem is our culture: Girls grow up in a world that defines a good chunk of their value in terms of how many friends they have. As a result, they believe their job is to be liked (and befriended) by as many girls as possible. Anything short of that, and you’re failing at being a girl – or what I call a Good Girl.

When it comes to the BFF, girls are sold a bill of goods about friendship that looks a lot like the rubbish we’re told about romance: There’s one person out there who is our match, and we’ll live happily ever after. The relationship with The One is supposed to be blissful, conflict-free and permanent. As a result, girls wind up with wildly unrealistic expectations about themselves and their relationships. And they blame themselves when reality bites, and the relationships shift or end.

As a parent, one way to combat these destructive myths is to turn to the world of dating. If you think about it, we have some very fair expectations in that department. Somehow, we know that the process of finding our mate won’t be easy. We generally expect not to fall in love with the person we’ll end up with on the first date. We realize we are likely to be dumped at some point and just as likely to reject someone ourselves.

Although we may blame ourselves when we’re broken up with, we sense that it’s part of life. How do we know? Every other song on the radio is about it, and there are a slew of books and articles at the ready to nurse us through the heartbreak. Most of us adults have learned, through experience or observation, that relationships come and go, people change, and, well, bad things happen.

Girls lack any such perspective about their friendships. There are no songs on the radio about being ditched by your best friend. To the contrary, almost every film they see about aggression in girls is a comedy.

As a parent, you can provide a much needed dose of reality by keeping your daughter’s expectations about relationship fair. As always, empathy is crucial. After you hug her and tell her how sorry you are, consider some of these more realistic takes on friendship:

• It’s very, very rare that your first best friend will be your last. Friendship changes are painful but normal.

• It’s not your fault if you lose a friend to someone else. It’s painful but normal (see a pattern here?). It happens to most of us. You can bet that it will happen to the girl who just ditched you. It does not make you weird or a loser or bad. It’s just part of what makes life hard and unfair. And you can also bet that one day you will leave a friend behind in a similar way (perhaps you’ll remember how it felt, and treat that person with dignity and kindness).

• Relationships are always shifting and changing because people are. That’s why none of us is really in control of our relationships. Circumstances often intervene. People move away. They change and they grow apart. It hurts, but it’s part of growing and changing yourself.

• Friendship is an experience you’ll be having for the rest of your life. You may hurt right now, and believe no one will replace your lost friend, but if you are patient and try to put yourself out there, you’re sure to find the next friend.

Now it’s your turn: What are your questions about girls? Feel free to ask about friendship, bullying, confidence/self-esteem…anything that’s on your mind. I look forward to talking with you.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

Author and guest blogger Rachel Simmons is one of our favorite go-to voices to help our community understand the messaging that popular music, television shows, and music constantly throw at us. This is a recent post she did on Miley Cyrus’ song “The Climb” for the Hannah Montana Movie.

Rachel has provided some fantastic ways to get a discussion started with students or teens in your own home. We’ve added a few more of our own below Rachel’s questions, which you’ll find in bold italics.

Miley Cyrus, “The Climb”

Cruising along the Brooklyn-Queens expressway this weekend, fingers poised to change the station from a poppy tune, I paused. I knew that raspy cute voice. Miley. I waited. I always like to hear what she’s up to.

I’m so into the song, I’m blogging about it. It’s called “The Climb.” It was released back in February, so I guess you can file this post under “Delayed Reactions” or “I’m Too Old Now to Be Hip.” Anyway, it’s got a very important message for all of us, especially girls, to hear.

The song is about the self-defeating voice we all hear at times inside our heads, and the importance of believing in yourself when you face a challenge.  It’s about the reality that we sometimes fail, and that life is as much about the journey as it is crossing the finish line.

This is a crucial message for all of us, and especially girls, to hear. In my new book The Curse of the Good Girl, I document the struggle of girls to be flawless at everything they do. Not only is this a useless enterprise, but putting that kind of pressure on yourself invariably forces you to be nasty to yourself.

The Curse of the Good Girl also makes girls risk averse: they won’t want to take a leap if they know there’s a chance they might fail. Julia Loonin, Assistant Director of the Girls Leadership Institute, revealed how Good Girl pressure to be perfect derailed her during a high pressure college basketball game. There’s a reason we say, “No guts, no glory.” The Curse of the Good Girl wants girls to play it safe.

At GLI, we call the nasty voice inside our heads the “Gremlin Voice.” And we teach an antidote to the Gremlin – a Gremlin slayer, if you will – which we call the “BFF Voice.” That’s when you talk to yourself in the voice of your best friend; in other words, if your best friend lived inside your head and heard you saying terrible things, what would s/he say? The BFF voice pushes us through challenges with positive support. Read more about the BFF voice, and how to use it, in chapter 10 of The Curse of the Good Girl.

Here’s Miley’s Gremlin voice: I can almost see it/That dream I’m dreaming/But there’s a voice inside my head saying you’ll never reach it/Every step I’m taking/Every move I make feels lost with no direction/My faith is shaking.

And here’s Miley’s BFF voice: Got to keep my head held high….The struggles I’m facing/The chances I’m taking/Sometimes they might knock me down but no I’m not breaking….Just got to keep going,/And I, I got to be strong/Just keep pushing on.

Miley is also singing about the importance of screwing up. “Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose,” she says. It’s all about “the climb.”

Lesson Plan

If you’re an educator, here’s an informal, short lesson plan. Play the song to your kids (I’m envisioning grades 5-8). To download the song at iTunes, click here. For lyrics, click here. Ask them to summarize it in their own words. Then have a discussion with these questions:

1.    Why is Miley singing this song? What is she trying to tell herself?

2.    Miley talks about hearing a negative voice inside her head. Why do people talk to themselves in negative ways? What are some examples of negative thoughts you have heard people share, or that you have had?

3.    Does thinking negative thoughts about yourself affect how you act? What might be an example?

Place “Agree” and “Disagree” cards (or just designate corners of your classroom as “Agree” and “Disagree” areas).

• Ask students: Imagine you’re playing a really important game at the sport you love most (or competing at something, if you don’t play sports). You’re not doing as well as you would like to. On one side of the field (or performance area), you have a coach shouting at you, telling you you’re doing terribly. She wants to win so badly, but she’s frustrated and angry. On the other side of the field, you have a coach shouting, but he’s encouraging you and clapping. If you would prefer the frustrated coach, go to the “Agree” side of the room. If you would prefer the encouraging coach, go to the “Disagree” side. Discuss in your small group why you chose this side of the room and explain your position to the class. Standing in the middle is okay for all answers.

• Read students the following lyric: “Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.” Then ask students if they agree or disagree that it is important to lose sometimes. Students may stand in the middle of the room if they wish. Ask each group to come up with an explanation.

• Read another lyric: “Ain’t about how fast I get there/Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side/It’s the climb.” Ask a student to summarize this lyric in his own words, then have students move to an area of the room based on whether or not they agree with this statement. Ask each group to explain their position.

Lastly, teach kids the BFF voice, and brainstorm some examples of how it might work.

More Discussion Points from rosalindwiseman.com

Miley has been in the news a lot this year, from her recent deleting of her Twitter account, to her controversial performance at the Teen Choice Awards. Like Ciara, she’s a great example of an artist who is making both positive and negative contributions to the larger culture, which can be really confusing. (Is she worth discussing, or should we all just relax?) And while her star status may not make her your average teenager, most kids can probably relate to some of the stuff she’s dealing with. You could ask them:

• Miley Cyrus recently deleted her Twitter account because she said that she was focusing too much on the chatter and not enough on living in the moment. Do you ever feel like technology is overwhelming your life? What do you give up by deciding to opt-out of social networking, texting, etc.? What do you gain by opting out?

• Compare Miley’s song, “The Climb”, with her other recent hit, “Party in the USA”. (Video embedded below.) Which image of Miley is the most well-known? What does this tell us about reputations? Have you ever felt that people could only see you in one way, and it was something you didn’t like?
  

• Some people argue that the lyrics and outfits in “Party in the USA” are too mature for a 16-year-old to perform. Do you agree or disagree? How important do you think it is for celebrities to be “good role models” for their young fans? What do you think young people learn from artists their age or slightly older that act or dress or sing in a way that some might consider “too mature”?

• How do you think young artists–especially those who were well-known as kids or tweens–continue to grow professionally without performing music or dressing in a way people think is too sexy ? Can you think of a musician or actor that you think has done this successfully?
  

• Do you think the media treats young female and male entertainers equally when it comes to how they act/dress/grow up in public? Are they judged by the same standards? Are these standards fair and why or why not?

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com

Not that you won’t enjoy every minute. Whip It is the Real Girl movie of the year. Its motto: Be your own hero.

The plot: Bliss Cavendar (Page) is a 17 year old reluctant beauty pageant contestant, nudged along by her Good Girl mother (played by the terrific Marcia Gay Harden). Mom is a former beauty queen herself who sneaks smokes to project a Perfect Mom image to her daughter (and undergoes her own transformation in the film). When Bliss watches an all-female roller derby, she’s enthralled. She sneaks off to tryouts and busts into the world of Austin derby.

Bliss’ team, the Hurl Scouts, is Real Girl heaven: women who tell it like it is, don’t care what people think and take up space – literally, by jumping on top of each other. When Bliss apologizes before she speaks in true Good Girl fashion, the team has none of it. “Find that thing that pisses you off,” a teammate advises the timid Bliss, “and use it.” Okay, passion doesn’t have to be driven by anger, but it’s a crystal clear moment of a girl learning how to access power and drive.

I like how parent-positive this movie is. Bliss goes too far with her Mom and gets schooled by one of the Hurl Scouts for being selfish. And it’s Dad who skates away with the film, with his tearjerker line, “I can’t take our daughter missing a chance to be happy.”

Some parents might feel uncomfortable about the sheer brass of these women (with nicknames, for example, like “Jabba the Slut”). Personally, I wish Bliss didn’t have to throw her Good Girl self under the bus in favor of more aggressive behavior. She goes too far when she knocks a popular girl over a railing at school to show off her newfound confidence.

That said, there’s an infectious and heart lifting freedom in the way these women blow through a party, locker room or rink. You will cheer for Bliss when she is literally sprung from the prison of her beauty pageant life by this rollicking pack of women. I dare you to go see this movie and not wonder where you left your last pair of skates.

Bliss displays inspiring confidence with boys, modeling the kind of self-esteem you want your daughter to see on the big screen. An NPR reporter recently pointed out that the last scene between Bliss and her love interest “is so smart and so significant and so legitimately revolutionary given the sensibilities of 99 percent of the movies that depict teenage girls that that scene alone would make it a great gift for your daughter when she turns 13.”

There’s an email pinging around that wonders if “Whip It would have been better off if it was told in reverse: the story of a Roller Derby Girl who made herself over as a Beauty Queen, won the pageant and got the boyfriend in the end.” Great question, but let’s use the time we might have spent wondering and get our butts to the box office. Do it for the girl in your life. If we don’t vote with our wallets, we may lose for years to come.

This post originally appeared on rachelsimmons.com.