Rosalind Wiseman answers a question from Donte, who’s worried because his girlfriend has been avoiding him lately.  She is shy and suffers from anxiety, so he’s not sure if her coldness towards him is because she’s being bashful or if she’s worried about something else.  Is anxiety the reason behind his girlfriend being so distant?

Got a question for Rosalind? Email it to rosalindsinbox@rosalindwiseman.com!

If you read (and loved) Boys, Girls & Other Hazardous Materials, and you’d like to share your opinions on  friends, embarrassing moments, relationships, or just what its like to be in high school, join my group and let’s get writing!

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Rosalind Wiseman answers a question from Jamie, a teenage girl who has been cutting herself.  She’s recently been able to stop, but fears that the difficulties in her life will make her start self-mutilating again.  What can Jamie do to find a new way to deal with her pain?

After reading the latest on Mel Gibson’s bigoted tirades on every group besides the one he belongs to, I came across a great short tutorial on YouTube entitled, “How to Tell People They Sound Racist”. Its message gets right to the point:

1) Call people out when they denigrate someone else based on any type of “ism”.

2) Be strategic about how you do it.

Being strategic means focusing on the specific actions they did that were hurtful, not who they are as a person. It’s the difference between saying, “Hey that thing you said was racist,” and, “You are a racist.” Not only because it’s the right thing to do, but because if you attack someone’s whole person it makes it much easier for them to dismiss the merits of your argument. It allows the person to take no responsibility for their actions and makes it almost impossible for them to be more thoughtful about the things they do in the future. And not to get all idealistic, but if more of us could do what the guy in the video is suggesting, we’d all be a lot better off.

Check it out below.

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Luckily, the government has finally taken an interest in the devastating effects the media is having on teens’ body images.  The Healthy Media for Youth Act was introduced by two congresswomen, Representatives Tammy Baldwin (a democrat) and Shelley Moore Capito (a republican).  This bill will work to promote healthy images of women in the media through a grant program that will support youth empowerment groups, media literacy programs, and further research into the effects of the media on women and girls.

As an educator and a mom, I strongly support this bill.  But it hasn’t been passed…yet.  I ask each and every one of you to reach out to your local congress representatives and ask for their support in passing this amazing bill.  As it is Healthy Media for Youth Week, now is a perfect time to be proactive.  If you are unsure where to start, I’m including a sample letter below.

Dear Congress (wo)man X:

I urge you to be a Voice for Girls in Washington by cosponsoring H.R. 4925, the Healthy Media for Youth Act, which was introduced on March 24th by Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin and Congresswoman Shelley Moore Capito.

Media and technology are dramatically changing the way children communicate, receive information, and learn.  While there are many positive benefits of increased media exposure, there are many challenges associated with new media, especially with regard to the portrayal of women and girls.  For example, the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in the Media found that in the top box office G-rated movies from 1990-2005, three out of four characters were male.  It also found that the majority of female characters in children’s movies are praised for their appearance or physical beauty rather than their personality, intelligence, or other talents, and narrowly fixated on romantic relationships that lack substantial connections or courtships.

While this issue affects all children, it disproportionately affects girls.  A recent study by the Girl Scout Research Institute states that sixty percent of teenage girls compare their bodies to fashion models and almost 90 percent of girls say the fashion industry places a lot of pressure on teenage girls to be thin.  According to the American Psychological Association, three of the most common mental health problems among girls — eating disorders, depression or depressed mood, and low self-esteem — are linked to sexualization of girls and women in media.

With children exposed to more than 10 hours of recreational media each day, we must ensure that they are empowered to make sense of the media images they are seeing.  The Healthy Media for Youth Act supports media literacy programming that provides youth with critical and analytical thinking skills, and leadership development to help them combat the negative images they see.  The bill also supports research on the impact of media images, and creates a taskforce to adopt voluntary guidelines to promote healthier media images of women and girls.  This legislation will empower children and encourage better balance in the media images they see

I encourage Congressman/woman_________________ to be a Voice for Girls.  Please cosponsor the Healthy Media for Youth Act today by contacting Amber Shipley in Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin’s office at amber.shipley@mail.hosue.gov or (202) 225-2906 or Virginia Gum in Congresswoman Shelley Moore Capito’s office at Virginia.gum@mail.house.gov or (202) 225-2711.

Our kids need our help to battle the distorted messages of sex, beauty, and body image they are faced with everyday.  Fighting to pass the Healthy Media for Youth Act is just one small step we can all collectively take in the right direction.

Other resources:

Rosalind’s Pick: Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

The Body Image Police

Girl Scouts Advocacy Network

National Eating Disorders Association

Rosalind Wiseman answers a question from Maggie, a woman who recently found out that her 14-year-old son is watching sexy videos online as well as visiting video roulette websites. She wants to confront her son about his behavior, but she is worried the conversation could ruin their relationship. How can she tell her son that the internet is not a safe place to learn about sex without him pushing her away?

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Pigtail Pals is a fantastic t-shirt company that is owned and operated by Melissa Wardy, a mom who wanted clothing for her daughter that wasn’t riddled with the typical “little girl” stereotypes.  She wanted her daughter to know that becoming a princess, model, or ballerina weren’t her only options.

She created a line of girls’ t-shirts that are smart and funny, and that challenge female stereotypes.  With shirts that read “I look good in red” and depict a female firefighter, or a drawing of a carpenter with a braid hanging over each of her shoulders proclaiming “I broke a nail“, Pigtail Pals uses witty slogans coupled with adorable illustrations to  “redefine girly“.

Pigtail Pals also has a great blog all about parenting, the media, and girl empowerment. Check it out.

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I’ll admit that my interest was more than professional. I went to a private school in Washington D.C. and knew a lot of Landon boys as a teenager. While I hung out with boys from other all-boys’ schools in town, and I often made poor decisions about boys in general, I knew better than to go to Landon parties for the exact reasons stated by so many today.

As an adult, I have become friends and colleagues with several Landon alum—all of whom are exceptional men. But as men, all speak about the difficulties of growing up in a school culture where women and many other groups of people were regularly disrespected.

As one of them said to me years ago, “My mother would never have believed I was the same person if she had ever seen me at Landon. The person I was at home and the boy I had to be to survive Landon were completely different.”

It’s also true that among the independent schools I work with in Washington D.C., Landon is one of two private schools notorious for having coaches who publicly demean and humiliate their own players, often doing so in front of Landon parents who are happy to sit on the bleachers, gossip amongst themselves and ignore the treatment of the student athletes.  I saw it myself at a recent game I attended. When I asked a coach from another school about it, he shrugged and said, “They want to win and if it means screaming and insulting their kids, that’s what they’ll do. And the vast majority of parents totally support it.”

I have often caught myself wondering how the Landon community was dealing with all of this; including the Board of Trustees and the Admissions Office. Beyond the ethical crises the school faces, the people in charge of insuring Landon’s reputation as a competitive, independent school must know that this series of events is unacceptable for the school’s continued sustainability. You can’t have alum wanting to make excuses for the private school they attended. You can’t have current and prospective parents wondering if a Landon education is a bad investment. And you most certainly can’t have college admissions worry that a Landon graduate is a potential liability.

At some point, I knew that they would have to respond to a reporter—beyond the inane statements their public relations person had made in the past.

Last week, it happened and I encouraged parents, educators, and teens to read Valerie Straus and Michael Birnbaum’s thought provoking July 1st article Landon School Shaken by Unusual Rash of Events, and the subsequent comments readers made in reaction to the article. The only aspect of the story I take issue with is the article’s title, because these events aren’t unusual. It’s just unusual for this many egregious events coming out of the same school to become public.

The article’s value is in the insights I see when a school is publicly forced to recognize that its students and educators’ behavior are in flagrant disregard of the school’s stated values.

Moreover, it is in these moments that you can most clearly identify the challenges any school has to honestly scrutinize its traditions, and the power of legacy to stifle a rigorous examination of its past, present, and future.

Here’s what I observed:

1. A vocal public that lashes out at anyone who criticizes the school, and encourages the people involved to pay no attention. Here’s an example from a reader:

I am going to say it for all of you that are not saying it-”You sound simply jealous and want to see the rich white kids going down” For all the dedicated teachers and fine boys attending Landon, chin up, wear you Landon T-shirts with pride, all this will make you even better and stronger.

2. A Board of Trustees that believes there is no reason to analyze the institution. It’s hard to believe that Landon’s Board of Trustees thought it would be a good idea for their chairman, Tom Cunningham, to talk to a reporter if they knew how transparent his privilege and cluelessness would come across. In commenting on the impact of the arrest of one of Landon’s former star athletes, George Huguely V, in the death of his former girlfriend, Mr. Cunningham said, “That had a huge emotional impact on this community and this institution. The human reaction would be, ‘Could I, should I, would I have done something differently, with a 15- or 16-year-old kid?’ And the answer is no.”

3. Leadership so seeped in its own privilege that it can’t see a truism: everyone has the right to define their own experiences and you don’t get to define or dismiss someone else’s experience just because it doesn’t match your own.

When Mr. Cunningham responded to the reporters’ questions about the repeated sexual, homophobic, and sexist comments of a Landon coach,

Cunningham acknowledged that Johnson made some “unacceptable” comments to his players. But he said that none of the comments were homophobic, even though others might have interpreted them in that way.

Exactly. Parents and students at his school believed the coach made homophobic comments so Mr. Cunningham doesn’t have the right to dispute their reactions and feelings.

3. An Administrator is hired who tries to make a change, and ends up leaving.

It’s common for a school in Landon’s predicament to bring in an administrative person to address the problem. But when that person challenges the status quo, as Mr. Neil Phillips, the upper school head, did with the student body in public and private forums, this is often met with resistance. Reading between the lines, Phillips announced Monday that he planned to leave at the end of next school year to pursue opportunities in philanthropy, youth advocacy and education reform. It’s clear that the status quo is not ready to give up their more comfortable, unexamined way of conducting themselves.

4. In spite or all these serious challenges, there is a lot of good within the institution. It is still possible for some students to get a positive experience in the classroom—but that only comes from extraordinary teachers who create classrooms that are sanctuary’s from the school’s outside culture. Here’s another reader comment from a Landon Alum:

I remember many Landon teachers who modeled civility and found a way to challenge our privileged assumptions in a respectful (not antagonistic) spirit. I don’t know about “the adults running the school” these days, but the teachers with the deepest institutional respect at Landon are truly superb, sometimes in concert with, and sometimes despite the prevailing environment, right on the edge of fraternity and oligarchy.

So what can Landon do?

Have the courage to face itself and ask the following:

1. What are our traditions that we are proud of? Why?
2. What are our school traditions that need to be challenged? Why?
3. Who has not felt comfortable coming forward in this school? How can we create an environment where people can voice dissent and be respected for it?
4. Who is letting their power and privilege convince them that they have the right to speak for others? Who is going to respectfully stop those people from dominating the discourse and let others speak their truth?
5. What will happen to this institution if we don’t address these challenges effectively?
6. What will happen if we do?

Like any school, if Landon can answer those questions with courage and integrity, it can transform itself into a place all boys can become men of honor. For the sake of all the Landon men, I hope they do.

Rosalind Wiseman answers a question from Addie, a 13-year-old girl who has known for a while that she’s bisexual.  She’s worried that if she comes out to her friends and family now they’ll think she’s just trying to get attention or they wont take her sexuality seriously because she’s so young.  Should she come out to her loved ones now? Or keep it inside a little longer and come out when she’s older?

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I believe two things to be true: Under the current anti-bullying laws, rules, and enforcement protocols combined with almost 85% of teens having mobile phones, it’s impossible to be a student in middle school or high school without being a target, perpetrator, or bystander of some kind of degrading, humiliating cyber attack.

If adults understood how they contribute and reinforce this Lord of the Flies mentality, then maybe they could do something about it.

But I did read the article, and I think the writer, Jan Hoffman, accurately portrays the challenges social networking and mobile phones create when attempting to maintain a civilized and safe school environment. Ms. Hoffman got educators to admit not only their confusion about their responsibilities and their authority (or lack there of) to hold students accountable for things they do outside of school, but also the creative strategies they employ to try and get students to come clean. Even more interesting is how the article shows that parents often can’t see the fallout from the decisions they make when their kid is involved.

The article has so much in it worth highlighting, that I’ve decided to spend the next few days responding. First up, is adults’ refusal to recognize how their reactions in these situations make the problem bigger.

I am going to start with a scenario depicted in the beginning of the article: A 7^th grade girl’s parents went to her principal demanding punishment for a boy they believed sent harassing texts to their daughter. The principal correctly asked if they had contacted the boy’s family. They said they didn’t want to because the fathers coached together and, “It was too awkward.”

What made it too awkward? The sexual nature of the texts? The relationship between the fathers because they had to coach together? Was it both?

At that point the girl’s parents should have thought through the consequences of their request for the principal to do their work for them. Because even if the principal had done what they wanted—called in the other parents and suspended the boy, they still would have had to deal with the fallout of interacting with this family.

Adults aren’t supposed to be constrained by short-term thinking—children are.  But what is it if not short term thinking to believe that it would be more awkward to address the problem face to face between the two families than to involve the school administration or the police?

In situations like this, where a child’s life doesn’t seem to be in danger from the (albeit) horrible, cruel, and tasteless actions of her peers and it is the first time the parents are hearing about the problem, we need to take a step back and roll out the possible consequences of the potential decisions we make.

Did the girl’s father really believe he was capable of forgetting his anger while he was coaching? Because, believe me, after all the families I have consulted with in similar situations, it’s not possible. Somehow, somewhere, your anger comes out—and usually it’s expressed in a manner and at a time and place that’s inappropriate. Of course when this happens the other parent just thinks you’re crazy because in their ignorance they have no idea what’s going on.

Instead of realizing this, parents would much rather start the process of dealing with this situation by bringing in other people in an official capacity—but even then the other family will know at some point who brought the complaint.  By then it’s not just between the two families anymore; it also involves an extensive group of people who have a professional responsibility to solve the problem in an official and possibly public way.

So the girl’s parents wouldn’t talk to the boy’s parents because they rationalized their fear of confrontation; which comes across as the classic complaint I hear from school administrators and teachers all the time,

“Parents won’t do their own dirty work. They want us to fix their problems for them.”

The bottom line is if the child’s life doesn’t appear to be in danger, parents have to begin the process by reaching out to the other parents in a calm and thoughtful way.

To accomplish this goal remember the following:

• Any parent will get defensive, embarrassed, and anxious when they hear that their child has been cruel to another child.
• If you allow your own anxiety and anger to be the dominant emotions you express to the other parent, you will be ignored or attacked.
• When you are ignored or attacked, it will be very difficult for you to remember that the parent is acting out of defensiveness. Instead, you will think the parent is a horrible person and an even worse parent.
• You have to think about when, how and what you will say to the other parent that clearly articulates what is happening to your child, what behavior you and your child want stopped, and reiterate your child’s right to go to school without experiencing this abuse. And keep in mind that their child has that exact same right.
• Your hope is that after this conversation, the abuse will stop. If it doesn’t, you will have no choice but to involve other people because your child will not feel safe going to school or be able to concentrate on their work.
• While this abusive behavior may be “normal”, meaning this is a common experience for many kids, that fact doesn’t make it right or excusable.

Here’s a sample script I would have suggested the dad use to approach the other dad/coach after practice was over.

“Mark, I need to talk to you about something outside of coaching and it’s not easy to talk about. My daughter came home yesterday and showed us a series of texts about her that are sexual and cruel , and it appears that your son sent them because they were sent from his phone.”

Watch and listen carefully to Mark’s response.

If he is supportive:

“Thanks so much for hearing me out. I was actually pretty nervous to talk to you about this but I figured you’d want me to tell you. I know you’re going to do all you can do stop it from happening again but what should we do if it doesn’t stop?”

If he isn’t supportive:

This was really hard for me to bring up with you. It would have been much easier for me not to tell you and go straight to the school administration, but I really thought it was important to go to you first out of respect for you as a father and because of my working relationship with you as a coach. If you want to think about what I’ve said and talk later, I’d like to do that. But as a dad, I hope you can understand where I am coming from.

It’s really important to say something like, “it seems like your child did x” because it is common for kids to use other children’s phones, email accounts, or Facebook pages when they go after someone. And that appears to be the case here because when the school investigated, they found compelling evidence that the boy didn’t send the texts—another student had used his phone.

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