Our experience in the class really got me thinking about my own experiences as a competitive athlete growing up, and how this has influenced my role as an advocate for girls, a teacher, and a mom. I am in my early 40’s and I vividly recall my experience as the only girl under the supervision of a sexist tennis coach. I was always put on the last court and it was clearly a punishment for the boys if they had to play with me. I hated that coach, but it also contributed to my intensifying dislike of tennis. Today it’s much different. If you have a daughter and she likes to do things that are typically “boy,” you are probably prepared to look for a class or a program that makes her feel comfortable. Not only that, but the coach or teacher is usually aware of the particular challenges of being one among many and goes out of their way to make her feel comfortable. I can think of countless soccer teams with ten boys and one girl where the adults make a point of including the girl and treating her equally. And even as the girls get older and move into single sex teams, there’s still recognition that if a girl wants to participate, they have the right to be there.

But apparently, this is not the case if you’re a boy.

What amazes me is the lack of care and consideration we have towards our sons in similar situations. “Boys don’t like to dance,” “Boys don’t like to read,” “Boys don’t like to be in plays,” are just a few examples I have heard repeatedly as a teacher, writer, and parent. As if we, the adults, are not the ones responsible for creating the very environments where our boys would feel comfortable and included.

In my son’s case, he lasted two classes. I simply couldn’t believe my eyes as he was excluded and ignored by the teacher and not surprisingly, therefore, the students. He sat by himself fighting back tears. When I talked to the staff, they informed me that they have problems with boys all the time.  When I asked if they even think about why they are having problems retaining boys, the person shrugged and said, “Boys don’t like to dance.” Well mine did. That is until he took that class.

So the question to all of us is why we are so committed to forcing boys out of arenas that are typically reserved for girls?

At least with girls, it is understood that the world can be an exclusive place for them and they have the language and voice to speak out against it. Boys usually don’t know this, and in their ignorance learn to feel ashamed for anything they do that is remotely girl-like.

As my son and I drove home after the hip hop debacle and I told him we would withdraw him from the class, I asked him to think about this experience if he was ever in the situation where there was one girl with a group of boys.  He nodded and then said, “I just want to go home.”

I waited to reinforce the lesson another day, and instead we just went home to listen to Grandmaster Flash and Mary J. Blige so he could reclaim the music he loves.

First published on Family Circle Momster.

Many listeners believed that this mother’s request was reasonable. Some people believed that this mother didn’t have to give a reason. She, as the mother, wanted the pictures down so that’s what should happen. Others believed that posting the pictures violated her child’s legal right to privacy.

On the face of it, I can understand why some parents feel that the party host was wrong to post the pictures without the other parents consent. As the parent, it seems entirely reasonable that you should be the one to decide when and where your child’s image is made public.

But let’s face it. When was the last time you went to a kid’s birthday party when most of the people there weren’t whipping out their cell phones and taking pictures? All it takes is one really cute picture for parents to post it on every social networking site they use.

We don’t have social events without cameras anymore. I can think of several social situations where my children’s pictures were posted on people’s Facebook pages without asking my permission. End-of-year soccer pizza dinners, Halloween parties, and playing in someone’s backyard immediately come to mind.

Regardless of how we feel about it, the reasonable expectation should be our participation in social events will be posted on-line rather than not.

Majoo and Joffe also asked Carolyn E. Wright, a lawyer who specializes in photography and law, to clarify how one’s right to privacy is defined when your picture is taken. According to Wright, you’re legally allowed to take someone’s picture unless there is an expectation of privacy. Walking in the street, reading a book in your living room with the blinds open, and people taking pictures at a party are all scenarios where there is no expectation of privacy. If you’re in a public bathroom, reading a book in your living room with the blinds closed, or hanging out at someone’s house where there are no cameras, there is an expectation of privacy.

Important to note is that the law defines the privacy of the moment when the picture is taken; not when it’s posted on line.  So clearly the host was not legally violating the child’s right to privacy when she took the picture or posted it later on her blog.  But the higher goal is how to have good relations with other parents and respect their wishes for their child. To that end, here’s my suggestion for addressing this problem:

If you are the host:

Let people know that you plan to post pictures of the party so if anyone objects, they can let you know. When pictures are taken, the child can be removed from view. (If you’re saying that removing the child socially penalizes the child, that’s being unrealistic. If the parent really doesn’t want his child in pictures then this problem is going to come up repeatedly. In that case, the parent who doesn’t want the pictures taken has to communicate that to their child).

If you are the parent who doesn’t want things posted:

Like any parental concern you have when your child is in someone else’s care, you need to let them know what’s going on. As was mentioned in the podcast, think of it as if your child has an allergy. Just like you would ask if there are nuts in the food, ask the host if they plan to take pics. If so, just ask that your child be seated outside the camera view.

This may feel like an example of technology changing the basic rules of conduct in uncomfortable ways. While these shifts are undoubtedly true, it’s critical to take the time to understand the context for how these changes occur and what’s reasonable to expect from each other. And what doesn’t change is the more important value that we place on being considerate of each other and valuing our different perspectives. If we operate from that place, our relationships with each other will be strong and our children taken care of in the right way.

This blog  originally posted on Family Circle Momster.

“Even though there is an on-going investigation, for all those children who have come forward I am sorry. We don’t know what the conclusion will be but as the police chief in this community, it is my sacred responsibility to protect our most vulnerable. I will work hard to do so in any way I can now and in the future.”

This is what an honorable leader does who prioritizes the emotional and physical safety of the people in his community.

He does not hide.

It’s bad enough that a pedophile creates a structure where he can systematically sexual assault children year after year. But now it seems clear that not only did other adults allow it to happen, but they contributed to the abuse by ostracizing and dehumanizing the victims. All I can think of is how incapable adults seem to be of doing the right thing.

To be clear, here is how the extended network of enablers made the sexual assault of children even worse:

1. When a victim tried to get help from an adult, the message was that Sandusky’s stature in the community and the pedestal football was placed upon within the Penn State Community was more important than the child.
2. Adults who dismissed or silenced the victims by saying that they shouldn’t stain Sandusky’s reputation and he had “a heart of gold” (which school officials told the mother of a victim) are not just ignorant bystanders. Make no mistake, at the very least, they contributed to the silencing of a child and parent who were desperately trying to get help.
3. Mothers who came forward were belittled and dismissed. It is becoming clear that the power of these men silenced the mothers. If the mothers did come forward they were dismissed and ridiculed. The whole thing was built to silence the victims and the mothers who didn’t have the power to have their voice heard.

We are now faced with an incredible question: Was the power of Penn State’s football legacy so overwhelming that many people, however tangentially connected to it, became moral degenerates? In my previous article on this issue, I described my experiences with other institutions in somewhat similar circumstances and how to understand the seemingly incomprehensible decision to protect the abusers over the abused.

It is clear that being in a situation like this can be overwhelming, leading to confusion and regrettable choices in the moment.  That’s why it is important to give yourself space to remember who you are and what you stand for, and to digest the information rather than reacting.  Following are some strategies you can use if you ever find yourself in a situation like this one:

If someone comes to you for help, the only thing you should say is “Thank you so much for telling me. I am sure that it was really hard to tell me. Let me find out what I need to do to start the process where you can feel safe.” Never say anything about what you think about the alleged perpetrator’s guilt or innocence. Never say, “I can’t believe what you are telling me. That’s not possible,” even if you are having a hard time believing it. Instead, go through the process of verifying the claim and go from there.

If you are a child or parent who goes to an authority figure and they dismiss what you are saying, your response is, “I don’t want to discuss if you think he is innocent. I am asking you to help me (or my child) feel safe and go through the process to verify my claim.” If they won’t do that, then ask to speak to someone else because that person is worse than worthless to you:  they are part of the problem.

We all need to do some hard looking at ourselves and what we stand for because Penn State is not the only community who has had this ugly exploitation and betrayal of its most vulnerable. As I have said before, the moment you think this can’t occur in your community, is the moment you become more vulnerable to it.

I talk to teens everyday about topics that are often extraordinarily uncomfortable. I am getting to the place where I have nothing else to say but this:

“Adults in positions of power will often abuse it. Many adults, especially those who cultivate the image of honor, will betray the values they say they hold dear. Others adults will either back up the bullies or be incapable of stopping them. Your best bet is to become aware of this as fast as possible, figure out which adults in your life can watch your back and don’t trust anyone else.”

Yes, it’s cynical. But what’s the alternative? In twelve hours I will be working with 150 high school student leaders. I, for one, am not going to pretend that adults are anything less than a disappointment.

This is a problem I know too well and it’s an important one to discuss with young people. Over the last 15 years that I have worked with schools, I have witnessed many tragedies in which students, teachers, or coaches have abused the most vulnerable members of their communities. From freshmen boys being sexually assaulted in hazing rituals, girls being severely sexually harassed, to teachers having sexual relationships with students. It happens. And while I have worked with many administrators who take action immediately, I have too often also seen people in leadership positions look the other way, isolate and discredit the victim, do the minimum, and justify keeping it “in-house.” Make no mistake, all of those reactions condone the abuse in the eyes of the victim, the bystanders, and the abusers and empower the perpetrator to continue the abuse.

The consequence of all this is not only on the people directly involved. It profoundly impacts the way all young people perceive adults as credible role models and trusted figures. So if any of we really want to contribute to stopping these kind of tragedies from occurring, we must be clear about how it happened and willing to have honest discussions with the teens in our lives.

So how did it happen?

The more an institution links masculinity with being loyal to the group and their superiors, the more likely its members will say little or nothing when they experience or witness abuse.  In this type of culture, speaking out is being disloyal.

When you add the discomfort of revealing homosexual sexual interaction in what is supposed to be an absolutely heterosexual environment, the victims and bystanders can be so ashamed and/or shocked that they describe the abuse in general terms. As in, “something bad happened in the shower.”

It is in this moment, when a victim or witness comes forward to a leader that the leader’s character is truly revealed. Will he protect the victim and immediately take measures to keep him safe? Will he support the witness, recognizing how hard it is to break the code of silence? Or, will he act in such a way that communicates to all under him that he protects the bully?

This is the essence of ethical leadership. You have three choices: Support the victim’s right to be safe, stay “neutral,” – which in reality is siding with the abuser – or overtly back up the abuser. The more unquestioned public power the leader has, the more likely the leader will back up the abuser and sacrifice the vulnerable to maintain the institution’s appearance of greatness.  Consider also that while school traditions and “institutions” can be a positive force on campus, if there isn’t a constant examination of how people in positions of power within those traditions can abuse it, it’s only a matter of time before an abusive leader exploits the willing blindness of those around him.

We see such blindness in those Penn State students who chose to demonstrate – or riot – in support of the coach. This reminded me of a common high school reaction when a high social-status student is expelled for hazing or harassment. It is common for his peers to dismiss or rationalize the student’s behavior and do whatever they can to undermine the administrators who are holding the expelled student accountable. They can vandalize the school, wear black arms bands, get their easily-manipulated parents to back them–all to punish the school for “overreacting” and tarnishing the punished student’s reputation.

We know the protestors loved “JoePa” and think the punishment is too harsh.  We know they are furious that his legacy will be forever tarnished. This is just like those high school protestors. By holding Paterno and others like him accountable you acknowledge the reality that in the moment when it really mattered, the leaders you feel so much pride in and even tie your self-identity to acted in ways that were entirely hypocritical to everything they purported to stand for. Instead, it’s much easier to lash out and refuse to admit what actually occurred. But really, although it is sad that someone who worked for almost 50 years coaching football will not end his career with the dignity of being in attendance for his last home game, that is nothing compared to the victims whose dignity was literally stripped from them as they were sexually assaulted.

One of the most extraordinary aspects of the Penn State tragedy is that for many of us it is the first time we’ve seen leader who did the bare minimum pay the price for his inaction. Joe Paterno has paid that price at the highest, most public level.   Let us hope others will learn from this example.

But how? How do we make a difference out of this horrible thing?

Sit down with your teens and ask them what they think about these adults betraying kids. Ask them what they think about the issues I have raised above. Our kids needs relationships with adults that they can depend on. They need to know with 100% certainty that there is at least one adult in their lives who they know is ethically and morally sound. And while it may be uncomfortable to have these discussions with them, it is actually the very act of reaching out and showing that you are willing to talk about this betrayal that makes the biggest difference in the lives of the young people you care about.

For more than a year, it has been a great privilege for me to work closely with the producers at Anderson Cooper 360 to put together a variety of programs that draw attention to the myriad of bullying-related issues that exist in our country. Beginning with AC360′s first bullying special in the fall of 2010 following the Tyler Clementi suicide, Anderson and his producers have never ceased to impress me with their dedication to this topic, and their willingness to examine and discuss it in a way that inspires real conversation and action. This year we have put together what I believe is another truly fantastic special that aired Sunday night on CNN for the first time, and will air again later this week. Please check your local listings for AC360′s Bullying: It Stops Here, on Friday, October 14. Additionally, the entire week of October 10-15, AC360 will air a special series on bullying at 8 and 10pm each night. You can learn more about all of Anderson Cooper’s anti-bullying programming by clicking here.

Starting today, you can join a powerful anti-bullying campaign that truly has the potential to change lives and make our children safe from bullying. It’s the “Stop Bullying: Speak Up” campaign and pledge. If you are someone who cares about the safety of all children, I hope you will take a few minutes to read and sign this pledge.

As someone who has been critical of anti-bullying campaigns in the past, I have gotten behind this campaign and I want to tell you why. In a world where all of us tend to grab onto a story for a moment and then forget about it in the next news cycle, the Stop Bullying, Speak Up Campaign is harnessing the power and reach of Time Warner and Facebook to keep this issue up front and center.

The campaign begins with asking adults and children to sign a pledge that challenges all of us to specifically take responsibility for stopping bullying in our communities. From there, the campaign expands through programming on Cartoon Network, CNN, People magazine, and Facebook. This is a dream come true for me: companies that have the ability to truly make a difference on this issue working collaboratively with experts in the field to truly encourage the country to address bullying in substantive, wide-spread ways.

Last year, you may have seen me on the Town Hall meeting Anderson Cooper 360 hosted. It was a great show. Children, teens, parents, educators, and experts came together to show the true face and impact of bullying. But as soon as the show was over, the Anderson Cooper producers told me they wanted to do more.

They were true to their word. October 2011 will be filled with programming on this issue across many Time Warner shows. On October 9^th and 14^th, CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360 in partnership with Facebook and Time Warner, will broadcast the second town hall meeting from Rutgers University. In preparation, Anderson Cooper’s team has worked with Robert Faris, the Research Director of the Berkman Center for Internet and Society at Harvard University, who will unveil a major new study. In addition, more children will be involved; including several from Anoka Hennepin, MN who are suing their school district for its “neutrality” policy that forbids teachers from talking about bullying prevention efforts in regards to gay students.

Check your local listings for channels.

October 9^th and 14^th 8PM EST.

I am a 10^th grade chemistry teacher and one of my biggest challenges is getting my students to concentrate on their homework while they constantly go back and forth between the assignment and Facebook. What can I do to help my students develop good study habits when they’re doing this? And should this be the school’s responsibility?

This educator has identified one of the most common and important struggles any teacher experiences. In a world of constant distractions, how does a child develop good study habits? And when a student’s work is compromised by these distractions, how does the teacher hold them accountable in a way that encourages the student instead of discouraging them?

While Facebook and other social networking sites increase the temptation and ease with which students are pulled away from their work, teachers have always had to teach students to balance their work with competing distractions. The neighborhood pick up game, watching TV, or even staring at the ceiling have all been distractions. It’s just that now the access is so much easier and faster that the student has the illusion that they are multitasking and are not as distracted as they in fact are. (William Powers, Hamlet’s Blackberry. Page 142 Harper Collins 2010)

In answer to the teacher’s last question, is this the school’s responsibility or the parents? The simple answer, of course, is that it’s both. Each one complements each other for the common goal of teaching children to take responsibility for their own education in a world where it is increasingly difficult to create a personal environment where creative focused concentration is possible.

What follows is a basic strategy and script for a teacher to use with their students.

First, understand the motivation:

Overall, students fear logging out will leave them out of the information loop. As an adult, it can be easy to dismiss this need as being superficially social. Students often feel compelled to respond instantaneously because they fear that if they don’t, the information about them will get out of their control.

Why?

• A student or their friends could be in a conflict with someone.
• The general awareness that conflict can occur so easily can compel a student to feel that they have to stay on top of what people are saying at all times.
• The student has a friend who demands constant response or they will write something that is cruel, embarrassing, betrays a confidence, or is in some way unwanted.

What doesn’t work:

• Telling the student they should just focus on their homework because they go to school to learn not to socialize.
• Telling the student that they should have better friends.
• Asking the student about how much they go on Facebook while they study. This conversation is irrelevant because the student has no ability to accurately gauge their time spent on Facebook collectively or how often they interrupt their work to go on Facebook.

The Teacher’s script:

You: “Thanks for meeting with me. I want to talk to you about your homework because I’m seeing X problem or you’re telling me that you’re really struggling to get the concepts. You’ve said that you use Facebook while you work. I’m not going to ask you how often or how long you’re on Facebook. You’re in X grade so it’s really your decision about how you spend your time and how you choose to study. What I am going to do is show you where I can see a lack of concentration or full understanding and then you need to choose what strategy is best to address the situation.”

Show student no more than 2 or 3 examples. Enough that they get the point but not too much so they are ashamed and disengage.

Typical responses from students:

“But then I won’t know what’s going on!”

“What if my friends can’t reach me?

“You don’t understand. She’s going to hate me!”

Your response:

“Before you begin studying, you may want to write on your wall, ‘Working on my chem. homework. I’ll check back when I’m done.’ Don’t wait for her to respond. Write the message and start working.”

Questions teacher can ask in response to: “But then I won’t know what’s going on!”

• What happened when you didn’t know what was going on?
• What did it feel like?
• What did you do when you realized that had happened?
• Did trying to get figure out what was going on impact other areas of your life?

Questions teacher can ask in response to: “You don’t understand. She’s going to hate me!”

• If your friend gets mad at you or ridicules your request, what you are getting in this friendship?
• What you are sacrificing?
• Is it worth it to you?”

Pick and choose a few questions from the ones written above. Otherwise, you could overwhelm the student and they will shut down.

You: “To say it another way; if you have a friend who punishes you for concentrating on homework instead of getting back to them right away you have to ask yourself if this person is acting in a way that fits what you need in a friendship. Is having a friend who requires that you sacrifice your right to learn and succeed worth it to you? Are you consciously making that choice? If you are and you decide it’s worth it, then at least we both understand the situation clearly. There won’t be any misunderstandings about your performance in the class.

“I also have an idea I’d like you to consider. Tonight, when you do your first homework assignment don’t check Facebook, or anything else, as you work. The next assignment check Facebook as usual. Then I want you to take a few minutes to compare how you worked and the quality of the work.

“I really respect that this is a hard situation but I think you could do well in this class and be proud of the work you accomplish. I am more than happy to help you with that in whatever way you need. Why don’t you think about it and I’ll check back in with you after class tomorrow?”

Thanks for reading,

-RPW

Today Chatari is much happier. Not only because she’s at a different school but because her parents showed their support and role-modeled how to conduct yourself after you yourself have made a mistake.

Jess Weiner

Transformational leaders inspire by challenging what we hold to be true. They demand that we examine our assumptions, question their validity, and encourage discourse.

Especially when doing so makes us uncomfortable.

Jess Weiner, in her recent article, “Loving My Body Almost Killed Me,” in the September issue of Glamour, shows that she is this transformational leader. In sum, Weiner argues that overweight women rationalize ignoring their physical health as a response to the thin-obsessed culture we live in. Make no mistake, Weiner clearly understands the profoundly negative consequences for all women chasing the thin body ideal. But she is also drawing attention to a body acceptance movement that convinces women to turn a blind eye to the very real health problems linked to obesity.

It is essential to women’s emotional health to love their body in spite of the constant messages we get that we only deserve to do so if we are as thin as we are told to be. But somewhere along the way we lost the overall point: women’s emotional and physical health are interconnected and we do ourselves a grave disservice if we don’t take care of our physical health because we are so busy defending ourselves from the emotional tyranny of being thin.

Weiner had this epiphany at a moment when self-reflection was probably the last thing she wanted to do. Weiner was challenged by a woman in a public forum about her right to speak on woman’s health because she herself was overweight. This woman forced Weiner to look at a very uncomfortable truth. Superficial leaders would have responded with a quick dismissive comeback; never having the courage to recognize any of the truth in the speaker’s question. True leaders take these difficult moments and face them head on. That is exactly what Weiner did. As she writes in the Glamour article:

I’d written books and magazine columns, appeared countless times on Oprah and other TV shows, and given hundreds of speeches telling women to love themselves no matter what their size. But now it was time to consider not just my self-esteem but also my wellbeing… I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to the doctor. My body wasn’t anyone else’s business, but had I done everything I could to make it my business?

Weiner’s call to action is not limited to herself. It is also a call to action for other women. But some may not see it that way. Instead, Weiner’s argument may be labeled by some as disloyal to overweight women. It is not. When we require ideological purity in our discourse, we by definition stop the authenticity of that discourse.

I know something of this experience. When I first started writing about the mean things girls do to each other, some of my colleagues believed I was wrong to bring it up. I was accused of being disloyal, unfairly blaming girls, or creating conflict within the girls’ self-esteem movement. What I believed, and continue to believe to this day, is that girls and women are only able to reach their true potential and have authentic relationships if they are honest and self-reflective. It’s just too easy to accept the easy answers and silence the difficult ones.

It doesn’t matter if the issue is women’s weight or girls’ cruelty. Women, individually and collectively, must challenge themselves. They must see that loyalty is speaking the truth precisely in those moments when you know something is wrong; when you fear rejection and backlash from your community but you speak out anyway. As a leader in the body acceptance movement, it is critical that Weiner’s article fosters dialogue among women. By doing so she’s not only taking care of her emotional and physical health but also role-modeling what it means to be an empowered courageous leader.

When to butt in, when to butt out—that’s the dilemma when dealing with your kid’s teachers and coaches. Do the homework now and you’ll be ready to ace every interaction.

It goes without saying that you’re the most important person in your child’s life. But it’s also true that there are lots of other adults who matter—like principals, teachers, coaches and scout leaders. Seriously, aren’t you grateful that your daughter gets a “No” from her guidance counselor when she begs to switch classes to hang with her questionable new friends? And when your son tunes out your good-sportsmanship advice, is there a better cure for his throwing a bat than the coach benching him? As kids get older and more reluctant to confide in parents, they’ll often turn to other trusted grown-ups. We need these people. They maintain our sanity and help us raise good kids. Unfortunately, not all of the adults in our children’s lives are so wonderful, and it’s tempting to wind up in mama-bear mode when trouble hits. Please don’t. Tracking down the offender to “get to the bottom of this” or sending e-mails in all capital letters isn’t effective and could actually make things worse.

Instead, be prepared.

1 DECIDE ON YOUR ROLE.

Your first move is choosing whether to be directly involved or to help your tween or teen advocate for himself. If the issue is something about the work or activity—your child can never understand a teacher’s assignments, the coach gives him zero play time or the scout leader doesn’t work on the promised badge—that’s a conversation your child should have with the adult. As a behind-the-scenes guide, your job is to help him write down what he’d like to see changed and what resolution he can live with, and to think through the best time to approach the person (i.e., not right before class, after a losing game or if the pack is running wild). On the other hand, if the concern has to do with dignity and respect—the teacher or coach humiliates or makes fun of your child, or any of the kids, or is otherwise inappropriate—you must intervene directly. This is especially true when it comes to comments about appearance because tweens and teens are horribly self-conscious about their bodies, and adults often forget how hurtful small, seemingly harmless remarks can be. No matter how angry or frustrated the adult is, no one ever has the right to say things like, “How can you be so stupid?” or “You fat, selfish oaf.” (I am not making this up. A mom just e-mailed me that her 14-year-old son’s coach said this to him when the boy was out at second base.)

2 KNOW WHO YOU’RE DEALING WITH.

Most parents don’t realize that there’s going to be a hidden power dynamic between grown-ups. If you’re sensitive to this, you’ll be able to focus less on how mad you are and more on finding answers. In my experience, I’ve seen three types of adults who work with kids:

The Partner. These men and women know how to listen respectfully and work with you as allies. Of course they will be your favorites. Even when they make mistakes and conflicts arise, you’ll be able to arrive at some type of reasonable agreement without too much drama.

The Pushover. There are plenty of teachers and coaches who come across as clueless or uncaring. But the point is, it’s probably not true that they’re against you or your kid. You might be dealing with someone who’s been yelled at or threatened by other parents, who hasn’t yet developed the right social skills or is so stressed-out that giving up seems like the only option. For example, say the teacher isn’t seeing that your kid is being bullied in one of his classes. The truth could be that the bully’s parents have some kind of power in the school and the teacher is too scared or inexperienced to know what to do.

The Tyrant. You know who these people are. They’re the ones who react to questioning, disagreement or difference of opinion as a challenge that must be squashed immediately. They often get away with terrible behavior because parents are too intimidated to speak up or mistakenly believe that disrupting, say, a winning team, isn’t worth the trouble.

3 CONSIDER THE SOURCE OF YOUR FACTS.

If you actually saw the incident in question (meaning you aren’t taking anyone else’s word for it), you’ve got your evidence. On the other hand, when your child reports the behavior (meaning you didn’t see it firsthand) be aware—and I’m not saying your kid is lying—that there might be another side to the story. Keep an open mind and think about how you can approach the situation as an information gatherer. Imagine saying to the teacher, “I want to talk with you about something Emily said. I know kids can be really sensitive, but she told me that when she asked to use the school printer, you thought she was lying about ours being broken. Can you tell me why she may have given you that impression?”

4 SET UP THE MEETING.

E-mail the offender and arrange a time and place where you can calmly but firmly tell the person what concerns you and why. As in, “Coach, I value having my son on this team, but when you scolded the guys for ‘throwing like a bunch of third grade girls,’ I was really upset. Correcting the boys that way teaches them it’s okay to disrespect females and I know you don’t want to do that.” Or, “I realize you have a lot of kids to think about, but I believe it makes it harder for my daughter to learn if she feels accused of something she didn’t do.”

If you’re dealing with the Partner, your job will be easy because he’ll want to make things right. Usually the Pushover will settle down once you’ve communicated with your tone, body language and words that you’re not going to cry, yell or call your lawyer, and you can move right into brainstorming solutions together.

The Tyrant is a tougher case, though, and you may have to head off some fireworks. You might hear something like, “Girls are so dramatic! No offense, but your daughter has always been a little too sensitive. It’s time to let go a bit, don’t you think?” Most people at this point are tempted to go on the attack, or are so upset and shocked that they say nothing. Instead, give yourself a few moments to reflect on this question: If your child were in the same situation, how would you want her to behave so you’d be proud of how she was raised? Now use this vision as motivation to face the situation with courage and dignity. In other words, take a deep breath, skip the impulsive reaction and go straight to, “How can we resolve this?”

ROLE REVERSAL

If you’re the one teaching, coaching or leading, remember to:

1. Deal with your child exactly as you would the rest of the kids, and expect her to treat you like any other leader.
2. Accept that you’ll still cringe extra hard if your kid is the one who blows a play or mouths off.
3. Be aware that you’re everyone’s role model for how to behave toward children with differing abilities and parents who are pushy.
4. Enjoy developing relationships with you child’s peer group.