Click here to download the May 2012 issue of Ask Rosalind.

You may think that my sister, with her lack of parenting experience and fabulous pants, wouldn’t know how to hold her own with kids. That would be a mistake. Because Zoe knows my children will try to exploit every opportunity to get what they want.

Today she called me while watching my kids, and I was reminded of how cool it is when siblings provide crucial parental backup.

Zoe: Are they allowed to watch TV right now?

Me: Of course not. What did they say?

Zoe: I asked Roane (the 9-year-old), “Did you ask your parents if you could watch TV?” And he said yes. So I said, “Are you telling me the truth?” And you know what he said? “Do I have to be 100% positive about my answers?”

Me: He really said that?

Zoe: Yup. So I told him that while that was a very good answer and he’s very cute, I was calling you to find out.

It was a small moment, really insignificant in the larger scheme of things. But such moments teach my boys some very important things about the adults in their family: We’re no fools. We will and do talk to each other. And although we love them unconditionally, that doesn’t mean we believe them unconditionally.

-Rosalind

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/3ZFMTNF

Treat everyone the way you want to be treated.

I’ve never specifically talked to my kids about race but my kids know that everyone should be treated equally.

Unfortunately, these are the most common statements parents say about talking to their children about race.

I’m fully aware that people may read what I just wrote and think I’m out of my mind. In fact, I’d totally understand if you thought, “Why unfortunate? That’s exactly what parents should be saying to their kids.”

But the reality is that for most parents, that’s all we say. We keep it general because we often don’t understand or admit to ourselves our own feelings about race. So we believe we are imparting our values and that our children will turn around and value people equally regardless of race.

Well, the reality is a lot more complicated and uncomfortable, and if you watch Anderson Cooper’s special Kids on Race you’ll see what I mean. What the AC360 team did was empathetically but directly challenge all of us to confront the truth about what kids think about race. As the researchers they worked with showed, while we have made great improvements in reducing explicit racism, we have much farther to go to stop implicit racism: the biases we all have about people of different races.

AC360 asked Dr. Melanie Killen, a revered child psychologist and University of Maryland professor, to design and implement the study, help highlight and explain key findings and offer advice and explanations to parents who allowed their children to participate.

Specifically, the show investigates a concept known as “subconscious racial bias.” This is described as “a bias that kids pick up on from messages they hear at school, at home, the characters in the TV shows they watch, what they see online.” As Killen points, these are not overt feelings of racism, but rather “the things that we’re not aware of, the things that we do when we don’t realize it.”

And acknowledging and understanding how those biases work is essential if we are truly committed to making our culture less racist.

No doubt this a very uncomfortable thing to do. Think about how awkward people get about even talking about race difference. Like when a young child describes an African American person as a black person and the parent shushes the child. Or when we are describing a person of color to someone else and we’ll describe everything about them except one of their primary physical traits–the color of the skin. It’s laughable except for the fact that those shushed children learn that there’s something inherently so shameful about these people with darker skin that a physical characteristic can’t even be named and dancing around a subject never gets us to authentic dialogue.

As I watched the show, I caught myself wondering how my sons would answer the questions the researchers asked the kids in the show. But what I am certain about it that even though I’ve talked to them a lot about race, I wouldn’t be shocked if they answered like all the other kids and showed race bias against African Americans.

So tomorrow night my children will be very happy when I tell them they get to watch TV after they do their homework–and then we’ll watch the show and discuss it over dessert. I don’t want my children living in a race-blind society. I do want them living in a racism-aware society. Kids on Race is a great way to do help me do that.

How have you spoken to your kids about race? Share in the comments below.

*Originally published in Family Circle Momster

President Obama will also give an opening statement to Stop Bullying: Speak up. Whatever your politics, it’s so important that our children see our President speak out against bullying. I can truly say that when I heard Mr. Obama speak at the White House Conference on Bullying last March, it was clear that he cares deeply about this issue, not just as the President but as a father.

After the special, I hope you use the film as an on-going resource. To make that easier, Cartoon Network will post the special in its entirety on the website and you can see check it out on Xfinity, Facebook, iTunes and YouTube.com, for at least two weeks following the world premiere.

If you want to have a discussion with your child after you see the special, here are some questions to get you started.

 

Which children said things you agreed with? Why?

Which children said things you disagreed with? Why?

Do you agree with Matt Willhem’s description of tattling or snitching and reporting?

Although it may not be easy, I also suggest paying particular attention to the section where the kids share experiences of telling their parents. It’s always good to check in with your child to see how they feel about asking for help or telling you about a problem like bullying. Ask them if they have suggestions for how you can improve your reactions and make it easier for them to reach out to you. It’s so important that our kids feel that they can share with us these difficult experiences and my sincere hope is that this film plays a small part in doing that.

You don’t say anything. Many well-meaning parents can relate to this scenario. But the hard truth is that this is the adult behavior that supports bullying. These are the actions that come across as not wanting to be “the parent” in difficult situations because you’re afraid your child will get angry with you.

If you want to do your part to stop bullying, you have to understand the dynamics at play in that car and you have to say something. You have to clearly communicate what you stand for. So here are some suggestions for how to manage the situation.

When you hear the rude comment, take a deep breath, focus on what you’re about to say as you pull the car over, and put it in park. Take your seat belt off, and turn to face the kids in the back seat, while ignoring your son’s silent begging or death stares. As you make eye contact with all of them say,

You: Josh, I just overheard you tell Mike that he was gay to insult the way he’s playing basketball.

Josh: It’s just what we say! It doesn’t mean the same thing now! Mike doesn’t mind do you?”

Mike: “No, they’re just messing with me. I know they don’t mean it.”

You: Here’s the deal. Using words like gay, or like a girl to put someone down is just unacceptable.

Josh: But it’s not our fault if the girls are terrible at basketball that’s just a fact! And gay just means stupid.

You: That’s not the issue. The issue is using those words to make someone feel worthless and not as good as you are.

Josh gives you the stare that you are crazy and annoying. Your son stares out the window pretending he was born into a different family.

If any of you want to talk to your parents about what I just said, please do so. Everybody got it? Good—anyone want to drop by the park on the way home?

It’s also important to end by encouraging the kids to talk to their parents about what you said. Not only because it’s smart to be transparent when you have these teachable moments with other people’s children but it also protects you from any of the kids coming home and accusing you of “screaming and totally freaking out” to their parents.

By the way, this strategy works any time kids say inappropriate and/or mean things around you. I had one mother use this strategy in the car after years of silently putting up with her daughter and her friends trashing other girls. It was important for her to realize how her silence had contributed to the girls’ feeling that they could be so mean and cruel to others. Once she stood her ground, the girls’ behavior improved at home and school.

And one last point. Yes, in the moment when we speak out, we will absolutely embarrass children. In the short term, they won’t like us one bit for getting involved. But it’s only in these moments that our kids see evidence of what our values look like in action, that they really get what’s important to us. They understand that they have a mom or dad who is willing and able to take a public stand when you see people being cruel. That’s a lesson they can take with them for a lifetime.

**First published on Family Circle Momster.

Our experience in the class really got me thinking about my own experiences as a competitive athlete growing up, and how this has influenced my role as an advocate for girls, a teacher, and a mom. I am in my early 40’s and I vividly recall my experience as the only girl under the supervision of a sexist tennis coach. I was always put on the last court and it was clearly a punishment for the boys if they had to play with me. I hated that coach, but it also contributed to my intensifying dislike of tennis. Today it’s much different. If you have a daughter and she likes to do things that are typically “boy,” you are probably prepared to look for a class or a program that makes her feel comfortable. Not only that, but the coach or teacher is usually aware of the particular challenges of being one among many and goes out of their way to make her feel comfortable. I can think of countless soccer teams with ten boys and one girl where the adults make a point of including the girl and treating her equally. And even as the girls get older and move into single sex teams, there’s still recognition that if a girl wants to participate, they have the right to be there.

But apparently, this is not the case if you’re a boy.

What amazes me is the lack of care and consideration we have towards our sons in similar situations. “Boys don’t like to dance,” “Boys don’t like to read,” “Boys don’t like to be in plays,” are just a few examples I have heard repeatedly as a teacher, writer, and parent. As if we, the adults, are not the ones responsible for creating the very environments where our boys would feel comfortable and included.

In my son’s case, he lasted two classes. I simply couldn’t believe my eyes as he was excluded and ignored by the teacher and not surprisingly, therefore, the students. He sat by himself fighting back tears. When I talked to the staff, they informed me that they have problems with boys all the time.  When I asked if they even think about why they are having problems retaining boys, the person shrugged and said, “Boys don’t like to dance.” Well mine did. That is until he took that class.

So the question to all of us is why we are so committed to forcing boys out of arenas that are typically reserved for girls?

At least with girls, it is understood that the world can be an exclusive place for them and they have the language and voice to speak out against it. Boys usually don’t know this, and in their ignorance learn to feel ashamed for anything they do that is remotely girl-like.

As my son and I drove home after the hip hop debacle and I told him we would withdraw him from the class, I asked him to think about this experience if he was ever in the situation where there was one girl with a group of boys.  He nodded and then said, “I just want to go home.”

I waited to reinforce the lesson another day, and instead we just went home to listen to Grandmaster Flash and Mary J. Blige so he could reclaim the music he loves.

First published on Family Circle Momster.

Many listeners believed that this mother’s request was reasonable. Some people believed that this mother didn’t have to give a reason. She, as the mother, wanted the pictures down so that’s what should happen. Others believed that posting the pictures violated her child’s legal right to privacy.

On the face of it, I can understand why some parents feel that the party host was wrong to post the pictures without the other parents consent. As the parent, it seems entirely reasonable that you should be the one to decide when and where your child’s image is made public.

But let’s face it. When was the last time you went to a kid’s birthday party when most of the people there weren’t whipping out their cell phones and taking pictures? All it takes is one really cute picture for parents to post it on every social networking site they use.

We don’t have social events without cameras anymore. I can think of several social situations where my children’s pictures were posted on people’s Facebook pages without asking my permission. End-of-year soccer pizza dinners, Halloween parties, and playing in someone’s backyard immediately come to mind.

Regardless of how we feel about it, the reasonable expectation should be our participation in social events will be posted on-line rather than not.

Majoo and Joffe also asked Carolyn E. Wright, a lawyer who specializes in photography and law, to clarify how one’s right to privacy is defined when your picture is taken. According to Wright, you’re legally allowed to take someone’s picture unless there is an expectation of privacy. Walking in the street, reading a book in your living room with the blinds open, and people taking pictures at a party are all scenarios where there is no expectation of privacy. If you’re in a public bathroom, reading a book in your living room with the blinds closed, or hanging out at someone’s house where there are no cameras, there is an expectation of privacy.

Important to note is that the law defines the privacy of the moment when the picture is taken; not when it’s posted on line.  So clearly the host was not legally violating the child’s right to privacy when she took the picture or posted it later on her blog.  But the higher goal is how to have good relations with other parents and respect their wishes for their child. To that end, here’s my suggestion for addressing this problem:

If you are the host:

Let people know that you plan to post pictures of the party so if anyone objects, they can let you know. When pictures are taken, the child can be removed from view. (If you’re saying that removing the child socially penalizes the child, that’s being unrealistic. If the parent really doesn’t want his child in pictures then this problem is going to come up repeatedly. In that case, the parent who doesn’t want the pictures taken has to communicate that to their child).

If you are the parent who doesn’t want things posted:

Like any parental concern you have when your child is in someone else’s care, you need to let them know what’s going on. As was mentioned in the podcast, think of it as if your child has an allergy. Just like you would ask if there are nuts in the food, ask the host if they plan to take pics. If so, just ask that your child be seated outside the camera view.

This may feel like an example of technology changing the basic rules of conduct in uncomfortable ways. While these shifts are undoubtedly true, it’s critical to take the time to understand the context for how these changes occur and what’s reasonable to expect from each other. And what doesn’t change is the more important value that we place on being considerate of each other and valuing our different perspectives. If we operate from that place, our relationships with each other will be strong and our children taken care of in the right way.

This blog  originally posted on Family Circle Momster.

“Even though there is an on-going investigation, for all those children who have come forward I am sorry. We don’t know what the conclusion will be but as the police chief in this community, it is my sacred responsibility to protect our most vulnerable. I will work hard to do so in any way I can now and in the future.”

This is what an honorable leader does who prioritizes the emotional and physical safety of the people in his community.

He does not hide.

It’s bad enough that a pedophile creates a structure where he can systematically sexual assault children year after year. But now it seems clear that not only did other adults allow it to happen, but they contributed to the abuse by ostracizing and dehumanizing the victims. All I can think of is how incapable adults seem to be of doing the right thing.

To be clear, here is how the extended network of enablers made the sexual assault of children even worse:

1. When a victim tried to get help from an adult, the message was that Sandusky’s stature in the community and the pedestal football was placed upon within the Penn State Community was more important than the child.
2. Adults who dismissed or silenced the victims by saying that they shouldn’t stain Sandusky’s reputation and he had “a heart of gold” (which school officials told the mother of a victim) are not just ignorant bystanders. Make no mistake, at the very least, they contributed to the silencing of a child and parent who were desperately trying to get help.
3. Mothers who came forward were belittled and dismissed. It is becoming clear that the power of these men silenced the mothers. If the mothers did come forward they were dismissed and ridiculed. The whole thing was built to silence the victims and the mothers who didn’t have the power to have their voice heard.

We are now faced with an incredible question: Was the power of Penn State’s football legacy so overwhelming that many people, however tangentially connected to it, became moral degenerates? In my previous article on this issue, I described my experiences with other institutions in somewhat similar circumstances and how to understand the seemingly incomprehensible decision to protect the abusers over the abused.

It is clear that being in a situation like this can be overwhelming, leading to confusion and regrettable choices in the moment.  That’s why it is important to give yourself space to remember who you are and what you stand for, and to digest the information rather than reacting.  Following are some strategies you can use if you ever find yourself in a situation like this one:

If someone comes to you for help, the only thing you should say is “Thank you so much for telling me. I am sure that it was really hard to tell me. Let me find out what I need to do to start the process where you can feel safe.” Never say anything about what you think about the alleged perpetrator’s guilt or innocence. Never say, “I can’t believe what you are telling me. That’s not possible,” even if you are having a hard time believing it. Instead, go through the process of verifying the claim and go from there.

If you are a child or parent who goes to an authority figure and they dismiss what you are saying, your response is, “I don’t want to discuss if you think he is innocent. I am asking you to help me (or my child) feel safe and go through the process to verify my claim.” If they won’t do that, then ask to speak to someone else because that person is worse than worthless to you:  they are part of the problem.

We all need to do some hard looking at ourselves and what we stand for because Penn State is not the only community who has had this ugly exploitation and betrayal of its most vulnerable. As I have said before, the moment you think this can’t occur in your community, is the moment you become more vulnerable to it.

I talk to teens everyday about topics that are often extraordinarily uncomfortable. I am getting to the place where I have nothing else to say but this:

“Adults in positions of power will often abuse it. Many adults, especially those who cultivate the image of honor, will betray the values they say they hold dear. Others adults will either back up the bullies or be incapable of stopping them. Your best bet is to become aware of this as fast as possible, figure out which adults in your life can watch your back and don’t trust anyone else.”

Yes, it’s cynical. But what’s the alternative? In twelve hours I will be working with 150 high school student leaders. I, for one, am not going to pretend that adults are anything less than a disappointment.

This is a problem I know too well and it’s an important one to discuss with young people. Over the last 15 years that I have worked with schools, I have witnessed many tragedies in which students, teachers, or coaches have abused the most vulnerable members of their communities. From freshmen boys being sexually assaulted in hazing rituals, girls being severely sexually harassed, to teachers having sexual relationships with students. It happens. And while I have worked with many administrators who take action immediately, I have too often also seen people in leadership positions look the other way, isolate and discredit the victim, do the minimum, and justify keeping it “in-house.” Make no mistake, all of those reactions condone the abuse in the eyes of the victim, the bystanders, and the abusers and empower the perpetrator to continue the abuse.

The consequence of all this is not only on the people directly involved. It profoundly impacts the way all young people perceive adults as credible role models and trusted figures. So if any of we really want to contribute to stopping these kind of tragedies from occurring, we must be clear about how it happened and willing to have honest discussions with the teens in our lives.

So how did it happen?

The more an institution links masculinity with being loyal to the group and their superiors, the more likely its members will say little or nothing when they experience or witness abuse.  In this type of culture, speaking out is being disloyal.

When you add the discomfort of revealing homosexual sexual interaction in what is supposed to be an absolutely heterosexual environment, the victims and bystanders can be so ashamed and/or shocked that they describe the abuse in general terms. As in, “something bad happened in the shower.”

It is in this moment, when a victim or witness comes forward to a leader that the leader’s character is truly revealed. Will he protect the victim and immediately take measures to keep him safe? Will he support the witness, recognizing how hard it is to break the code of silence? Or, will he act in such a way that communicates to all under him that he protects the bully?

This is the essence of ethical leadership. You have three choices: Support the victim’s right to be safe, stay “neutral,” – which in reality is siding with the abuser – or overtly back up the abuser. The more unquestioned public power the leader has, the more likely the leader will back up the abuser and sacrifice the vulnerable to maintain the institution’s appearance of greatness.  Consider also that while school traditions and “institutions” can be a positive force on campus, if there isn’t a constant examination of how people in positions of power within those traditions can abuse it, it’s only a matter of time before an abusive leader exploits the willing blindness of those around him.

We see such blindness in those Penn State students who chose to demonstrate – or riot – in support of the coach. This reminded me of a common high school reaction when a high social-status student is expelled for hazing or harassment. It is common for his peers to dismiss or rationalize the student’s behavior and do whatever they can to undermine the administrators who are holding the expelled student accountable. They can vandalize the school, wear black arms bands, get their easily-manipulated parents to back them–all to punish the school for “overreacting” and tarnishing the punished student’s reputation.

We know the protestors loved “JoePa” and think the punishment is too harsh.  We know they are furious that his legacy will be forever tarnished. This is just like those high school protestors. By holding Paterno and others like him accountable you acknowledge the reality that in the moment when it really mattered, the leaders you feel so much pride in and even tie your self-identity to acted in ways that were entirely hypocritical to everything they purported to stand for. Instead, it’s much easier to lash out and refuse to admit what actually occurred. But really, although it is sad that someone who worked for almost 50 years coaching football will not end his career with the dignity of being in attendance for his last home game, that is nothing compared to the victims whose dignity was literally stripped from them as they were sexually assaulted.

One of the most extraordinary aspects of the Penn State tragedy is that for many of us it is the first time we’ve seen leader who did the bare minimum pay the price for his inaction. Joe Paterno has paid that price at the highest, most public level.   Let us hope others will learn from this example.

But how? How do we make a difference out of this horrible thing?

Sit down with your teens and ask them what they think about these adults betraying kids. Ask them what they think about the issues I have raised above. Our kids needs relationships with adults that they can depend on. They need to know with 100% certainty that there is at least one adult in their lives who they know is ethically and morally sound. And while it may be uncomfortable to have these discussions with them, it is actually the very act of reaching out and showing that you are willing to talk about this betrayal that makes the biggest difference in the lives of the young people you care about.