The next hour went something like this.  Run, weigh myself.  Run, weigh myself.  Run, weigh myself.  You get the point.   When the room was spinning and the people were blurry, the number was finally in an acceptable range (read: depletion of water, not actual weight loss.)  Relieved, I left the locker room and headed to the water fountain.

On the way out, a random stranger said she wished she looked like me.  At the water fountain, a guy I know said, “You’re not done, are you?” Dumbfounded, I glared at him.  He continued, “You better get back on that treadmill, slacker.”  I didn’t get back on the treadmill, but instead of my planned leisurely stroll home, I ran back through the park, down the road, up the road, and through my front door.   Although he was kidding, it was almost paralyzing to think someone thought of me as a “slacker.”  I had to prove him wrong.

Although that incident was years ago, I clearly remember that day because it was my birthday.  In order to be able to celebrate my birthday, which always involved an anxiety-provoking food based gathering that was never worth it, the number on the scale had to grant me permission.  That number determined the quality of each day and was the only measure of my self-worth for far too long.

February 26^th – March 3^rd is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW) and this year’s theme is “Everybody Knows Somebody.” I chose to share that particular story because the people at the gym had no idea what I was going through.  They also didn’t know their words completely fueled my anorexia.  Many people made ridiculously asinine comments to me that were not out of haste, but sheer ignorance.  At my absolute sickest, I was constantly complimented.  Looking at pictures from those days makes me shudder. I am one of the few fortunate ones that struggled with an eating disorder for that long and can say “those days.”

Eating disorders don’t know race, class, age, gender or size.  They affect millions of people and statistically speaking, you probably know someone who is suffering. It’s the person at the gym that works out just a little bit harder than everyone else.  It’s your neighbor who is always on a crazy diet and talks about how fat she is to anyone who will listen. It’s the man who is obsessed with running and becomes anxious and intolerable if he can’t fit a workout in.  It’s your daughter’s friend who silently slips away from the lunch table everyday to find an empty bathroom to purge in. It’s the boy on the wrestling team that runs for hours in multiple layers of clothing to make weight.  Or, it’s the last person you would ever suspect.

Many people remain clueless about eating disorders and are plagued with misinformation due to our toxic culture that bombards men, women, boys, and girls with a steady flow of messages that say, “you’re not good enough.”  Children are taught from a heartbreakingly young age to hate their bodies. Our society breeds, perpetuates, and normalizes eating disorders on an astounding level. Nobody is immune. It’s not OK.

This is the third year in a row I have shared a piece of my journey for NEDAW.  It’s not easy to write about, talk about, and honestly, sharing any part of it gives me a week long anxiety buzz.  However, it’s worth it.  In order to reduce the prevalence of eating disorders, there has to be a heightened level of awareness.  Many families live in denial, educators aren’t trained, and I can’t tell you how many completely clueless doctors there are.  Again, not OK.

I recovered backwards; I talked the talk before I walked the walk.  I lived in a comfortable state of denial for over a decade and the road to recovery wasn’t easy.  It took a lot of treatment that didn’t work until I allowed it too.  I had no concept of “normal” and had become a master manipulator when it came to food or exercise.  I finally realized that in order to disrupt “my” normalcy, I had to get out of my environment. I relearned how to live at The Renfrew Center, a treatment facility for eating disorders. During that time, anger and advocacy helped me tremendously.

We have to fight back.  We have to find and use our voices.  The power to evoke change truly has strength in numbers.  If you’ve struggled with an eating disorder, share your story.  Educate others to help others.  If you are concerned about somebody you think may have one, you owe it to him or her to educate yourself and talk about it.  It’s always difficult.  There will never be a “perfect” time.  You may stumble on your words and it may all come out wrong.  But say it anyway.  And say it again, and again (we deny everything, trust me.) You never know, it could save their life.

For more information about eating disorders, please visit The National Eating Disorders Association

Julia V. Taylor

Below are the links to my previous EDAW blogs:

2010 – “It’s Time to Talk About It”

2011 – “How Talking the Talk Helped me Walk the Walk”

As a culture, we are quick to report the problems that exist within our younger generation of youth. What I rarely hear or read about is a feasible solution.

Sexual harassment falls under an umbrella of similar issues. Many teenagers are desensitized to the pervasive enormity of sexual content and violence that exists in mainstream media. Many don’t even realize what they are doing is considered harassment; it’s just normal lunchtime chatter. Educators can’t tell teenagers to “stop” without explaining why they should, or the repercussions that could occur from their unwanted behaviors and/or gestures. We have to do the unthinkable; we have to talk about it.

I have been a school counselor for almost a decade and have worked in both middle and high school settings. I have witnessed lewd comments, smirks, gay slurs, and pretty much anything you both can and can’t imagine. Lets get one thing straight; it is not always the boys harassing the girls. Harassment, in any form, occurs between all races, classes, genders, and ages. Educators have a responsibility to understand, recognize, and handle it in an efficient and effective manner.

When an educator hears, hears of, or sees any type of inappropriate behavior, they have a duty to intervene. When you always take action, kids identify you as a safe person. Every situation has different variables and in a school setting is handled on a case-by-case basis. Many times the harasser doesn’t realize they’ve crossed the line, sometimes the victim doesn’t realize it either. And generally speaking, teenagers are concerned about what reporting will do to their social status and believe that reporting will make it worse.

In order to control this problem, it needs to be clearly defined and our standards reinforced often. Educators need to develop enough of a rapport to be approachable if a student is concerned, and they must never minimize the issue.

Scenario 1: A 14-year-old boy is constantly taunted in his World History class for having “moobs,” otherwise known as “man boobs.” After weeks of enduring the never-ending comments, he finally musters up enough courage to tell his teacher. The teacher replies with “oh, they are just joking, ignore them.” The student says he can’t, and teacher replies with “do you want me to move your seat?”

Scenario 2: An 11-year-old girl is refusing to dress out for PE, and often asks to go to the nurse during class. Concerned, the PE teacher calls her parents and sets up a conference. During the conference the girl revels what is going on. She is more developed than any of her peers and other girls make fun of her in the locker room. They call her a whore, hide her clothes, and once decorated her locker with sanitary napkins. When she reports who is harassing her, the teacher remarks, “I cannot imagine them doing that, they are such nice girls, are you sure?” Then suggests the girl change in the bathroom and “ignore them.”

Scenario 3: A 16-year-old girl is in a marketing class that does a lot of group work. They have been working in the same group all semester and there is a boy that consistently touches her inappropriately. He grazes her thigh, puts his hand on her lower back, and rubs his leg against hers under the table. She finally tells her mother, who immediately calls the teacher and demands her daughter is removed from that group. The following day, the teacher announces to the class, “due to someone not being able to keep their hands to themselves, you all have new groups and have to start over on your projects.”

I could list different scenarios for pages, and let me assure you that the three aforementioned are not uncommon, nor is they way they are handled. Can you blame students for not coming forward? We have a duty to stop blaming the victim and start creating a safe climate where this behavior simply isn’t tolerated.
These teachers had a fortuitous opportunity to apologize to the student for having to endure the harassment, offer to listen, assure the victim it would be handled appropriately, and most importantly, follow through. Every student deserves a safe school environment and it is our job to ensure this happens.

I don’t have an easy solution to this problem. I can confidently assert that it starts with education (especially media literacy), speaking up, believing the victim, and following through. Every student should identify at least 2 adults they can trust within the school. Additionally, every school district has a strict policy about sexual harassment, and it is often well defined. If you are an educator or parent, I encourage you to go to your district’s homepage and both read and discuss the policy with your child or students. The simple gesture of beginning this conversation, without judgment, opens the door to creating a safer place for all students.

Julia V. Taylor
Twitter @juliavtaylor

Below are a few additional resources for educators:

Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty Pleasure TV

Teaching Tolerance: Sexual Harassment Lesson Plans

Discovery Education: Sexual Harassment Lesson Plan

Faces of Harassment in Schools

Eating disorders are thought consuming, panic inducing, chaotic, and life threatening illnesses. There are biological and genetic components that make individuals more vulnerable to developing an eating disorder.  Cynthia Bulik, UNC Eating Disorder Program Director, states; “Genes load the gun, and environment pulls the trigger. “ Meaning we can’t merely blame society.  However, predisposition + living in a distorted society with unrealistic and confusing perceptions of the thin ideal = a ticking time bomb.

I can vividly recall weight related comments that were made around me dating back to elementary school.  They were not made about me, but led me to believe that if I wasn’t thin I was worthless.  I believed that each comment about excess calories, the latest diet craze, or the size of a perfect stranger was an indirect way of reminding me to not “get fat.” I had to wear a bikini in a fashion show in high school, which was my trigger pulling moment.  It was almost instantaneous.  The fashion show didn’t cause my anorexia.  The thoughts were there, but that one event imploded them into action.

Fast forward through a messy decade and I am in grad school for school counseling.  A professor told me if I didn’t get help I wouldn’t be able to continue in the program.   That was my first of many rude awakenings that have landed me where I am today.  My biggest fear was not being a role model to my students.  Obviously I didn’t skip out of that conversation a changed woman.  It took a lot of treatment that previously didn’t work because I had no reason to give up my eating disorder.  I landed at The Renfrew Center, a treatment facility for eating disorders.  During that time, I saw a fascinating correlation between everyone’s stories. They were all strikingly similar and recovering in our society seemed impossible. I decided to fight instead of retreat.

Today I am a high school counselor, author, and speaker.  I recently leaped way out of my comfort zone and co-presented a webinar for Renfrew titled “Body Image: Making Recovery Work in a Thin is In Society.” I shared my story as an alumna and how I used advocacy as a recovery tool.  To me, advocacy is a combination of calling out what I see, being media savvy, and educating to provoke change. I gave the webinar participants my contact information and as I suspected, my inbox was flooded with questions.  The question I received the most was, “how did you get to this place?”  My simple answer is “I got pissed off at society and the messages I am constantly bombarded with.”

There is no precise formula or exact definition for “recovery.”  It looks and feels different for everyone.   My journey has not been easy, and to this day I certainly have my moments. The difference between now and then is those moments are fleeting, random, and not dichotomous. Coming to terms with the fact that I am not a hypocrite was a difficult and lengthy process.

You don’t have to struggle from an eating disorder to be an advocate.  We are plagued with a steady flow of messages saying we are not good enough.  We have to be on a diet, count calories and fat grams, work out, feel guilty, judge others, look perfect, lose weight, get plastic surgery, and talk about how fat we are.  We live in a society that justifies our self-worth being determined by a number on a scale.  The absurdity of it all is that the images we are supposed to look like don’t even exist.  The diets we should always be on don’t work.  And the perfection we strive to achieve is unattainable.  You don’t have to be a victim.  Below are a few tips that have helped me.  I hope they help you too.  If you have additional ones to share, please leave a comment.

Educate and empower yourself

Read books, websites, blogs, etc. that leave you feeling empowered.  Here is a resource list of my favorites.

Don’t fat talk

Fat Talk describes the countless statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to body dissatisfaction. Examples of fat talk include, “I’m so fat; I need to lose 5 pounds.” “I can’t eat that; it will go straight to my thighs.”  “My life would be so much better if I had a flat stomach.” Fat talk is hazardous to your emotional health.  You have better things to talk about.

Surround yourself with positive people

It was hard for me to separate myself from people that constantly complain, fat talk, and bring me down.  Some of the biggest offenders are family members. And while I love them dearly, I learned to distance myself.  It made a huge difference.

Flex your consumer muscles

The objective of the media is to make a profit.  Whether the industry is trying to draw your attention to an unrealistic reality television show or tell you that the answer to your problems is an ab roller, they are making money.   I am not suggesting you banish television, not read magazines, or move into a cave.  Jenn Pozner, author of “Reality Bites Back” says it beautifully, “Turn mindless TV into mindful TV.” Know what you are consuming.

Give yourself permission to be human

As I stated above, I have my moments.  The good folks at Renfrew used to always say that “fat is not a feeling.” I can and will debate that with anyone.  But if I am not feeling my best, it’s OK.  Let go of the utopian definition of perfection because it doesn’t exist.  If you are having a bad day, it’s probably not due to the size of your ass.  Recognize your feelings, feel your feelings, and move forward.

Fight the good fight

Write advocacy letters to companies whose products endorse size, weight, or gender based stereotypes.  The National Eating Disorders Association has a media watchdog program with some great examples and tips.  If you have children, let them hear you do this and explain to them why you are speaking out.   Advocate in a positive manner (if you lose your mind and start swearing up a storm it will get you nowhere, trust me.)  Offer suggestions for improvement or what you’d like to see instead.  Many companies have websites with comment sections, which simplifies this process.  Additionally, if you manage to come across an ad that represents people of all shapes, colors, sizes, and ages – let them know you appreciate it and ask for more.

Finding and using my voice has helped me tremendously.  Just like recovery, advocacy looks different for everyone.  If your actions or words make a positive difference in the life of one person, then it was worth it.  And if that one person is you, well then it was definitely worth it.

Here’s to a happy, healthy, and mouthy you!

Julia V. Taylor

“Stop fixing yourself. You were never broken.”  -Eve Ensler



Just my two cents.

JVT

So, let’s get real, I mean, as in realistic. I work in a high school and besides a few randoms rapping in the courtyard, I have never seen a group of impeccably synchronized teenagers bust into song with a teacher in the middle of the school day. I have never fished a student out of a dumpster, and if our PE teacher spoke to my principal in a Sue Sylvester manner, well, let’s just say I hope she has tenure. Most of the Gleetiques are from a professional lens, whereas the show is trying to send valid messages to teenagers. If you have a teen, work with a teen, or spend a few hours with a teen, you are fully aware that they are all over the place. They are developing values, morals, and making many lesson learning mistakes along the way. If the show were a point-driven afterschool special, they wouldn’t watch it. Nor would I.

I think Glee is a hilarious, thought provoking opportunity to discuss important topics with teens. In fact, just yesterday I had a fabulous bullying discussion with an 11th grader after she saw my “Glee” computer wallpaper. She immediately said “OMG, that is, like, my favorite show – did you see it last night?” And we talked about Glee for 2 minutes, and the issues for 20. There are many shows geared towards teens that are mind polluting, offensive, and simply not worth airtime. I don’t believe Glee is one of them. I think I’ll wear my “Gleek” shirt today, just because I can.

JVT

My friends who are elementary school counselors have shared stories of pill swapping and pot smoking on the playground, and a recent shocker involved a 3^rd grade student found with an Oxycontin pill that his parent gave him “just in case his broken arm started to hurt ” (you can’t make that up.) I dealt with numerous drug related situations as a former middle school counselor, and now in the high school it occurs almost daily.  From public school to private school, from elementary to college, and from the poor to the rich – drugs are everywhere. And many students can get a hold of an illegal substance quicker than their math homework.

Drug abuse, like any addiction, doesn’t discriminate.  If you suspect your child has a problem, you‘re probably right.  And it is the responsibility of the parent or legal guardian to ensure they receive proper treatment.  Yes, kids do experiment, but that does not mean it is OK.  In fact, it’s illegal.  Admitting there might be a problem doesn’t reflect poorly on your parenting skills. I have said it before; children are capable of doing everything parents raised them not to do.

Part of this problem boils down to brain science.  The prefrontal cortex is responsible for making decisions and is not fully developed until adulthood.  In addition, the neural connections that think through risky decisions are not formed.  Meaning, “don’t do drugs,” “you are smarter that that,” or “what were you thinking?” are ineffective and pointless.  They weren’t thinking.  Another reason it is crucial to have frequent conversations about drugs.  In addition, drug and/or alcohol use can severely impact the crucial brain development that occurs during the teen years.

The conclusion of Red Ribbon Week offers a perfect platform to have the “drug talk” with your child. I encourage parents to address these issues openly and honestly in a non-accusatory manner. Practice your poker face and begin these conversations now.  Better to have these candid talks at the kitchen table than the principal’s office, behind bars, or to wish you did while identifying them at the morgue.

Below are some excellent resources help with your dialogue:

The Partnership for a Drug Free America – http://www.drugfree.org/

The National Institute on Drug Abuse http://www.drugabuse.gov

The National Institute on Drug Abuse for Teens – http://teens.drugabuse.gov/

Adolescent Substance Abuse Knowledge Base -  http://www.adolescent-substance-abuse.com/

Dr. Drew Pinsky – The RX Locker.  http://rxlocker.com/

Best Wishes,

Julia V. Taylor

This trademarked week sheds light to a giant annoyance and asks people to remove “Fat Talk” from everyday conversations. Tri Delta describes Fat Talk as “all of the statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies. Examples of fat talk may include: “I’m so fat,” “Do I look fat in this?” “I need to lose 10 pounds” and “She’s too fat to be wearing that swimsuit.”

Both women and men do one another an enormous disservice by validating this pointless and self-defeating behavior.  I don’t care to hear you whine about how fat you think you are and more importantly, if you are a parent, I am worried you will pass this type of behavior to your children.  They don’t deserve it.  Body image disturbances are widespread, contagious, and toxic and often begin in the home. Our society has already bombarded, normalized, and justified thousands of reasons for youth to feel like they don’t measure up.   They don’t need their parents to do the same.   Keep in mind, I don’t think parents wake up and think, “I wonder how many ways I can screw my child up today.”  This is why this week is so important.  It brings awareness to provoke change.

Sitting around a table talking about how fat you think you are is pointless.  I can think of 1,000 better things to talk about.  “I shouldn’t be eating this, I can barley squeeze into my jeans” or “do I look fat in this” is a futile attempt to fill a void.  I ask you, what is that void and why do you need someone else to fill it?   Think about it.  And then fill it without putting yourself down along the way.

Last year we kicked off the week at Apex High School by showing the “Fat Talk” video to the entire school, almost 2300 students.  Using suggestions from Tri-Delta, we had a different theme each day, including a day titled, Body Image, not Just a Girl Thing. Some students got it, others didn’t.  Some teachers took the time to discuss the video with their students, others didn’t.  We are doing it again this year.  I don’t care how many people I annoy with my relentless Fat Talk badgering, if it has a positive effect on one person, my job is done.

In addition to Apex High, we are also celebrating the week at the Cary Family YMCA.  We have a giant Fat Talk Trash Can, positive sayings strategically placed on mirrors and the scales, Fat Talk Free pledge sheets, and a giant bulletin board with heart post-it notes so members can write what they love about their bodies.

I challenge everyone reading to not only remove fat talk during this week, but forever. I challenge you to watch the video with someone you love and send it to everyone you love.  And lastly, I challenge you to treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.  I would hope you wouldn’t take away her dessert and say, “You really shouldn’t eat that, it’s going to go straight to your thighs.”  Or you probably wouldn’t tell her, “You would look so much better if you lost 10 pounds.”  This is easier said than done, I know.  I also know small steps = big change, and that change begins with you.

Julia V. Taylor

When I was a teenager I remember strongly disliking when adults made fun of my culture.  Their disapproval drew me closer to what they were telling me to stay away from.  It wasn’t nearly as provocative and scandalous 15 years ago as it is today, but welcome to evolution.  Our culture has, and will continue, to evolve.  It doesn’t mean we have to embrace it, but it also doesn’t mean we have to write it off.

Jennifer Pozner, author of forthcoming book, “Reality Bites Back,” suggests that instead of calling shows like the aforementioned “mindless TV,” that we change our verbiage to “mindful TV.”  Meaning we understand what we are consuming.  We don’t have to agree with it, but I believe we have a responsibility to teach young consumers what they are viewing, which is far from “reality.”  Pozner has a fabulous resource section on her website titled “Fun with Media Literacy” that I highly recommend for parents and educators (however, please don’t engage in the Reality TV Drinking Games with your students, just saying.)  Pozner advocates for us to learn how to watch TV.  I wholeheartedly agree.

In addition, The Center for Media Literacy (CML) suggests using “Five Key Questions” to deconstruct media.  They are:

1. Who created this message?

2. What creative techniques are used to attract my attention?

3. How might different people understand this message differently?

4. What values, lifestyles and points of view are represented in, or omitted from, this message?

5. Why is this message being sent?

I taught a few media literacy lessons last week to students using Pozner’s “Deconstruction Guide” and CML’s “The Five Key Questions” and was pleasantly surprised at the attentiveness of the 9^th and 10^th grade students.  I made a quick PowerPoint featuring a variety of media advertisements and images that I found through an easy Google search.  I gave the students a handout of the guide and questions to follow along with.  They completely got it and literally ripped the ads apart.  Truth be told, there were a few things that I had pointed out to me, which made me feel like they truly understood.

The media isn’t going anywhere.  Their job is to make a profit and they prey on our insecurities to do so.  The sad fact is they are winning.  I hate to be pessimistic, but I foresee it getting worse before it gets better.   However, the one thing we have complete control over is if we actually buy into it.  Educate yourself and others, don’t believe the hype, and don’t be a victim.

If you liked this post, you might also like:

13 Going on 30: Teen Stars and the Race to Grow Up

“I’m Not a Prude, but…”: Why We Can’t Let Ourselves Become Culture Sheep

Sorry, Kanye: Your Opinion Isn’t the Only One That Matters

My gym experience made me think about the kids I work with and the power of encouragement.  Most of the time, a few positive words are all children need to get through the rough times.  And most children are far more resilient than we give them credit for.  Within the next few weeks, most kids will be back at school.  Whether you are an educator, parent, coach, or family friend – make it a goal to point out the positive.

I have said it before; the beauty of growing up is that you are often afforded the opportunity to learn from mistakes, as the mistakes teach the most valuable lessons.   Let them learn, grow, flourish, and thrive.

Here is a handout I enjoy that has a ton of examples of ways to praise children, both young and old.  I encourage you to verbalize these messages, send a special random text to a your teen, or write something positive on the napkin in their lunch bag, as a little encouragement goes a long way.

Wishing everyone a successful 2010 -2011-school year!

If you liked this, you might also like:

Why You Need to See ‘Whip It’: Real Girl Movie of the Year

Did the Realities of Raising Teens Scare some Moms at BlogHer?

Rosalind’s Pick: Pigtail Pals

Bouncing around foster homes, she quickly learned to escape her pain through books and food.  In her early years, Covington Armstrong chose her friends based on the availability of afternoon snacks. Tragically, she eventually became the victim of sexual abuse.  Using starving, dieting, and reading, she quickly found a means to numb her emotions and out of control existence.  After experiencing heartbreak in her early 20’s, an article meant to provide information about the dangers of bulimia introduced her to a new world of self-destruction.

Feeling pressure to project the image of a strong Black woman, Covington Armstrong keeps her battle a secret.  She uses her race as an outright justification to continue to her destructive patterns. Physically and mentally exhausted from years of cyclic binging, purging, hiding, and starving, she finally joins a 12-step program. Covington Armstrong was raised with the belief that therapy is only for “crazy people,” and that support groups were something that only white people went to.  She embraced her fear and faced a room full of affluent white women to begin her journey of healing.

It’s not often I pick up a book and read it cover to cover, twice.

Covington Armstrong provides a raw, detailed testimony to the fact that eating disorders are not about food or weight, but a means of controlling a much larger issue.

In addition, it provides the important exclamation point that eating disorders never discriminate!

If you liked this, you might also like:

Rosalind’s Pick: Hungry

Julia’s Reading List: You’d Be So Pretty If…

Rosalind’s Inbox: My Parent’s Constantly Call Me Fat!