Rosalind Wiseman

We talk about bullying a lot but the focus tends to be on our children, as if adults are too mature to abuse any power and authority they may have. But we know that’s not true. Bullying is often interwoven into every aspect of our lives; from work to our relationships. In particular, for those people who work in educational institutions, we will never address the bullying problem between our students if we don’t address it among ourselves. So when a group of educators at a professional development seminar asked me about bullying between educators and school administrators, I promised I’d give them more thorough answers.

Here’s what I believe.

Of course it’s essential to teach our children how to face bullying effectively, But we have to admit that as adults we are reluctant to talk about bullying among us because then we may have to actually do something about it. You know: walk the walk, demand the same thing from ourselves that we ask of our kids.

Of course confronting workplace bullying is particularly challenging because it always feels like your job is on the line. And, regardless of the actual facts, fear is fear. But with all due respect to our adult worries, our children often feel the same. Thoughts of, “How will I survive? What will happen to me? I have no power to determine my fate. It’s all in the hands of the bully,” are what all of us worry about. No matter your age and maturity, it’s hard not to be overcome, paralyzed, silenced, given over to helplessness, or to burn with resentment.

One of the foundations of my work is my strategy for responding to these moments. It’s called the SEAL method and it stands for:

•STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later?

•EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want.

•AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge.

•LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out.

The goal in using SEAL isn’t to get the other person to agree with you. Instead, it’s to go through an internal process of thoughtfully understanding and then explaining exactly what happened that you don’t like, what you want, affirm your mutual right to be treated with dignity, acknowledge anything you did that contributed to the dynamic, and if necessary or wanted, communicate the degree to which you want a future relationship.

Doing this is counter-cultural because in our society the definition of success in a conflict is one of two unrealistic extremes: becoming best friends or domination of the other. SEAL redefines what it means to be successful in a conflict. The focus is on the SEAL process, and any part of the process a person does is an accomplishment. SEAL is about speaking truth to power and developing social competence.

Also, people justify not facing a bully because the person won’t change, hoping the problem will go away on its own.  Each needs to judge their situation, but for there to be any well-placed hope that the bully’s behavior will stop (and as long as the target doesn’t feel that their life is in danger), they owe it to themselves and to the bully to attempt a face-to-face conversation. It enables the victim to reclaim their power—be it the school hallway or in the staff room.

Here’s an example of what SEAL looks like with teens:

Confronting a friend who abuses their social power:

Stop: Mark chooses to confront Andy for embarrassing a mutual friend when they are playing video games after school at Mark’s house.

Explain: Mark: Look, forwarding those pictures of Michael was wrong

Andy: Playing the video game with his eyes glued to screen. Huh?

Mark: You know what I’m talking about. Sending those pictures was messed up.

Andy: No it wasn’t! It was amazing! And if it was so wrong why were you laughing your butt off when we did it?

Acknowledge: Mark: Well, I’m not proud of this but I laughed because the whole thing made me nervous.

Andy: We were just messing around! Michael knows that and if he was so freaked out then why didn’t he say anything?

Mark: I don’t think he wanted to admit how upset he was.

Andy: Well that’s not my fault so I don’t see why it’s my problem.

Lock-In: Mark: Andy, it’s wrong to embarrass him on purpose. I think we should make it right, so I’m going to talk to him about it. It’d be cool if you came with me.

Andy: If you want to do that, knock yourself out but I’m not doing anything.

Lock In: Mark: Well I’m going to tell him before first period tomorrow so if you change your mind that’d be cool.

In this situation, Mark acknowledges what he did that contributed to the situation by laughing and going along when he didn’t want to. But he realizes that what happened to Michael is wrong and has a responsibility to address it. Also, even though Mark experienced a lot of  “pushback,” he was able to stick to his point and “Lock In” his position at the end. This is because the SEAL process helped him prepare for likely responses he’d get from Andy.  If any of us voice what we don’t like, we have to accept pushback as a realistic response and prepare so we don’t become distracted, lose our words, or end up agreeing with the bully.

SEAL’s for teachers and counselors

Just like I ask kids to SEAL conflicts, I ask the same of adults-including  teachers, counselors, and school administrators. Now if you’re a parent reading this please don’t get frustrated that I’m not addressing situations where parents are bullied. For that, refer to my book, Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads. Rest assured, I know parents are bullied by teachers and administrators but my focus here is for the educators. The following are a few real life examples:

A Social Worker has been working with one of your students and is relaying to the parents that she is collaborating with you.  You know nothing.  Parents come in, irate, because a situation hasn’t been handled.  She has told the parents that you probably haven’t taken care of it because you are busy with schedule changes.

Stop: Resist the temptation to find the social worker and call them out in public. Use email to set up a time to meet in your office to discuss “situation with X student at our earliest mutual convenience.” Before the meeting write down on paper exactly what was reported to you that you don’t like; which is that her actions make it appear as if you don’t care and/or incompetent in the parents’ eyes. Plus, you can’t tell the parents the truth because it’s unprofessional. Then write down what you want, affirm your right to work without being “set up,” acknowledge anything you have done previously that may have made the person unlikely to come to you directly, and lock-in the need for you all to work together for your own professionalism and the student’s welfare.

Explain intro: Thanks for meeting with me. We have a problem that’s uncomfortable for me to talk about with you but it’s really important.

I can’t imagine what it could be! Or I knew it! David’s parents are impossible!

Explain: Yesterday I met with them and they believe you and I are regularly communicating about his situation. They are very upset at me because they believe you told them that I didn’t handle David’s problem because I was too busy with scheduling. Is any part of this accurate?

I didn’t tell them that! I only said that you’re busy because I didn’t want to bother you. You’ve been complaining about all the scheduling changes Mr. Gibson is always making you do. I was trying to do you a favor!

Explain: In the future I need you to let me make that decision. But in general a student’s welfare is always the priority over scheduling. However, I need to go back to the issue of David’s parents believing that we are communicating about him. Except when you mentioned it to me after the faculty meeting a few weeks ago, we haven’t discussed it. I was put in a situation where I either had to tell them I hadn’t talked to you—making you look unprofessional or make me appear that I was either uncaring or incompetent.

When I told you in the faculty room you said you’d look into it!

Affirm: I don’t remember that but even if that was the case, that still doesn’t mean you and I have been in regular communication. We need to move forward together here. So I told them that I was sorry that the situation had not been handled in the way they wanted, I would immediately talk to you and get back to them about a plan going forward. And that is what I want to do with you now.

Lock-In: We have to work together or else we can’t help David and the problem with David’s parents will get worse. So I’m depending on you to work with me on this.

Follow up with an email describing what was covered in the meeting with any deadlines to meet.

The Teacher: I was a first-year teacher and I went to another teacher for help, only to have that other teacher tell everyone that I didn’t know how to teach.

Stop: You feel vulnerable and doubt your abilities. But those doubts have nothing to do with the problem. You reached out for help from a more experienced colleague and she acted unprofessionally by doubting your abilities.

Explain: Thanks for meeting with me. I appreciated your advice the other day but I need to tell you that it has come to my attention that you told other faculty members I didn’t know how to teach.

I never said that. I told people that you were having doubts about your teaching. Which was true.

Affirm: I went to you because I valued your experience and opinion. I have the right to ask for help without being embarrassed about it.

I’m sorry but if you’re going to make it in this job, you really need to learn to be less sensitive.

Lock Out: Doing my job well is important to me. I hope you would agree that it’s easier to learn when you have mentors but thank you for your initial advice. It was very helpful. Now I have to finish grading some tests.

The Administrator:

My administrator threw me under the bus in a meeting with parents and student.  A parent yelled at me for a grading policy and I stood firm. In the meeting, the administrator said, “I agree with Mrs. Smith (the parent), you need to change the grade immediately and I am going to switch Julia out of your class to someone who can meet her educational needs.”

This situation is so upsetting and anxiety producing for a teacher that it is critical to take the time to figure out your feelings and what’s the best strategy to respond without breaking down into tears, shutting down, or lashing out in a way that legitimately puts your job at risk. However, as soon as possible, request to speak with the administrator immediately after the meeting and don’t let up until you get it.

Stop: You have been betrayed by your supervisor and lost all credibility with parents and the student—which means that both of them can continue to bully you without fear of consequence.

Explain: I depend on you as my principal to back me up when we meet with parents. If you don’t agree with something I’ve done, I certainly want to hear it and have the opportunity to discuss it with you. Doing it in front of the family, stripped me of the respect and authority I need as a teacher in this school.

I’m not sure you’re understanding the situation at hand. You just need to do your job. Or some other response that takes no responsibility for what he did.

Affirm & Lock-In: I want to do that and in order to do so I need to know that my principal will plan with me what the educational strategy is for the child in question. So in case this happens again, I’d like to take the time right now to create a communication strategy between us so you are satisfied with how I teach and grade and I feel safe to make decisions that parents may not like.

Follow up with an email describing what was covered in the meeting with any deadlines to meet. Talk to your union rep if appropriate.

Facing these situations is scary, but here are some good reasons you might want to:

1.     You have to defend your professional integrity and competence and there is no better way than to confront people with dignity to prove it.

2.    If you don’t, you’re sending the message that people can take advantage of you—so they know they can do it again.

3.     You can’t ask kids to do something you won’t do yourself.

4.     You can.

I know it’s hard. I hate doing it myself but there’s really no choice. That’s why we are teachers.

Tagged as: Abusive Relationships, Advice, Bullying, Education, Ethical Leadership, School Culture