Rosalind Wiseman

For the last two days, I competed for women’s attention against free foot massages, hair blowouts, food and cocktails as part of Unilever’s PentHOUSE at the BlogHer 2010 conference in New York City.

Nestled between the cocktails and massages, I was there to talk to mommy bloggers about the work I do with Unilever’s “Don’t Fret the Sweat” campaign and give tips to parents about raising healthy and confident tweens and teens. I met incredible women and had great conversations—it was an all around good time.

But several times I experienced something unusual—there were a few occasions when it seemed as though the bloggers were ready to make a hasty exit as soon as they realized who was in the room. This was strange because I don’t often run into people who can’t get away fast enough when they meet me. Now I want to be clear, it wasn’t like all the women bloggers came in, took one look at me and ran away screaming. But some would come into my room, realize that I was the author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, and back away.

Not wanting to be rude, they wouldn’t leave but their eyes would widen, and then say some variation of the following, “I am so terrified of you! My sister (aunt, mother, kid’s teacher) has been telling me to read Queen Bees but I just can’t. I’m too scared. I can’t face all these things kids do to each other.”

Wow. Here’s where it’s time to get serious. Whether you read Queen Bees or any book like it, please remember the following:

• Like you, your child will experience conflict with other people. By the time they’re in later childhood (like around age 9) it will be commonplace.
• Children will be mean to your child.
• Your child will get into situations where they see people being mean and not know what to do about it.
• Your child will probably have moments where they are mean to someone else. But they won’t think they are being mean. They will think the other person was annoying or mean to them first.
• For the most part, you won’t be at your child’s side when the conflict occurred. So when your child reports what happened to you, keep in mind that is his or her perspective. There very well could be others.
• Learning to think through a problem when you are angry or intimidated with the person on the other side is one of the most important life lessons you can teach your child.

Being a mother is often about bravely facing situations that scare you—situations where you feel powerless or helpless; when you don’t know all the answers and you have no guarantee that you can fix the problem for your child. But it is in the process of facing these fears mindfully and your child seeing you do this that empowers your child to be confident and think of you as a reliable source for information and comfort. You have no reason to be afraid. Face the realities of your child’s life now, so you’re ready and prepared when they need you.

I know that’s the kind of mother every one of those women I met wants to and can be.

If you liked this, you might also like:

Queen Bees and Wannabes

Mean Girls: The Politics of Girl World

Don’t Fret the Sweat: Meet the Experts

Video: Rosalind and Unilever “Don’t Fret the Sweat” Campaign