Rosalind Wiseman

Early yesterday morning, my father called to tell me that the New York Times had an extensive article on cyberbullying. Frankly, my initial response wasn’t enthusiastic. Usually when major media report on cyberbullying the information they present is neither nuanced nor effective in improving the dialogue surrounding the issues. Instead, a disturbing example is presented that leaves the reader believing teens are morally bankrupt and there is nothing any of us can do about it.

I believe two things to be true: Under the current anti-bullying laws, rules, and enforcement protocols combined with almost 85% of teens having mobile phones, it’s impossible to be a student in middle school or high school without being a target, perpetrator, or bystander of some kind of degrading, humiliating cyber attack.

If adults understood how they contribute and reinforce this Lord of the Flies mentality, then maybe they could do something about it.

But I did read the article, and I think the writer, Jan Hoffman, accurately portrays the challenges social networking and mobile phones create when attempting to maintain a civilized and safe school environment. Ms. Hoffman got educators to admit not only their confusion about their responsibilities and their authority (or lack there of) to hold students accountable for things they do outside of school, but also the creative strategies they employ to try and get students to come clean. Even more interesting is how the article shows that parents often can’t see the fallout from the decisions they make when their kid is involved.

The article has so much in it worth highlighting, that I’ve decided to spend the next few days responding. First up, is adults’ refusal to recognize how their reactions in these situations make the problem bigger.

I am going to start with a scenario depicted in the beginning of the article: A 7^th grade girl’s parents went to her principal demanding punishment for a boy they believed sent harassing texts to their daughter. The principal correctly asked if they had contacted the boy’s family. They said they didn’t want to because the fathers coached together and, “It was too awkward.”

What made it too awkward? The sexual nature of the texts? The relationship between the fathers because they had to coach together? Was it both?

At that point the girl’s parents should have thought through the consequences of their request for the principal to do their work for them. Because even if the principal had done what they wanted—called in the other parents and suspended the boy, they still would have had to deal with the fallout of interacting with this family.

Adults aren’t supposed to be constrained by short-term thinking—children are.  But what is it if not short term thinking to believe that it would be more awkward to address the problem face to face between the two families than to involve the school administration or the police?

In situations like this, where a child’s life doesn’t seem to be in danger from the (albeit) horrible, cruel, and tasteless actions of her peers and it is the first time the parents are hearing about the problem, we need to take a step back and roll out the possible consequences of the potential decisions we make.

Did the girl’s father really believe he was capable of forgetting his anger while he was coaching? Because, believe me, after all the families I have consulted with in similar situations, it’s not possible. Somehow, somewhere, your anger comes out—and usually it’s expressed in a manner and at a time and place that’s inappropriate. Of course when this happens the other parent just thinks you’re crazy because in their ignorance they have no idea what’s going on.

Instead of realizing this, parents would much rather start the process of dealing with this situation by bringing in other people in an official capacity—but even then the other family will know at some point who brought the complaint.  By then it’s not just between the two families anymore; it also involves an extensive group of people who have a professional responsibility to solve the problem in an official and possibly public way.

So the girl’s parents wouldn’t talk to the boy’s parents because they rationalized their fear of confrontation; which comes across as the classic complaint I hear from school administrators and teachers all the time,

“Parents won’t do their own dirty work. They want us to fix their problems for them.”

The bottom line is if the child’s life doesn’t appear to be in danger, parents have to begin the process by reaching out to the other parents in a calm and thoughtful way.

To accomplish this goal remember the following:

• Any parent will get defensive, embarrassed, and anxious when they hear that their child has been cruel to another child.
• If you allow your own anxiety and anger to be the dominant emotions you express to the other parent, you will be ignored or attacked.
• When you are ignored or attacked, it will be very difficult for you to remember that the parent is acting out of defensiveness. Instead, you will think the parent is a horrible person and an even worse parent.
• You have to think about when, how and what you will say to the other parent that clearly articulates what is happening to your child, what behavior you and your child want stopped, and reiterate your child’s right to go to school without experiencing this abuse. And keep in mind that their child has that exact same right.
• Your hope is that after this conversation, the abuse will stop. If it doesn’t, you will have no choice but to involve other people because your child will not feel safe going to school or be able to concentrate on their work.
• While this abusive behavior may be “normal”, meaning this is a common experience for many kids, that fact doesn’t make it right or excusable.

Here’s a sample script I would have suggested the dad use to approach the other dad/coach after practice was over.

“Mark, I need to talk to you about something outside of coaching and it’s not easy to talk about. My daughter came home yesterday and showed us a series of texts about her that are sexual and cruel , and it appears that your son sent them because they were sent from his phone.”

Watch and listen carefully to Mark’s response.

If he is supportive:

“Thanks so much for hearing me out. I was actually pretty nervous to talk to you about this but I figured you’d want me to tell you. I know you’re going to do all you can do stop it from happening again but what should we do if it doesn’t stop?”

If he isn’t supportive:

This was really hard for me to bring up with you. It would have been much easier for me not to tell you and go straight to the school administration, but I really thought it was important to go to you first out of respect for you as a father and because of my working relationship with you as a coach. If you want to think about what I’ve said and talk later, I’d like to do that. But as a dad, I hope you can understand where I am coming from.

It’s really important to say something like, “it seems like your child did x” because it is common for kids to use other children’s phones, email accounts, or Facebook pages when they go after someone. And that appears to be the case here because when the school investigated, they found compelling evidence that the boy didn’t send the texts—another student had used his phone.

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