Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized author and educator on children, teens, parenting, education and social justice. Her work aims to help parents, educators and young people successfully navigate the social challenges of young adulthood.
Rosalind Wiseman
creating cultures of dignity
I Really Want to Have a Baby!
Rosalind Wiseman answers a question from Mandi, a 14-year-old girl desperate to get pregnant and have a baby. Will the complications of pregnancy and challenges of being a teenage parent be too much for her? Or is she ready and willing to deal with everything that comes along with a newborn?
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One Response to “I Really Want to Have a Baby!”
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June 3rd, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Hi Rosalind,
My experience as a teendoc tells me that this approach would not have worked for most 14yos because it requires too much abstract thought. At that age they are just developing abstract reasoning so all the “what would happens” don’t really hit home.
In addition, you went with your framework of what she should do rather than validating (or truly acknowledging) her stated desire. I always work to put their agenda before my agenda, since they are not necessarily interested in my agenda more than their own.
And in tell them why they shouldn’t do something, they are so much less likely to hear you. You remember how it was during your adolescence when someone told you what you should or shouldn’t do. It was like, eye-roll. But if you came to the understanding or learning on your own, it meant a whole lot more. As such, that’s how I would have approached her, getting her to come up with her own “what ifs” rather than shoulding all over her. And you know that with adolescent magical thinking, you can list all the bad outcomes known to humankind, but the teen will still believe, “that won’t happen to me!”
Most importantly, IMO, would have been finding out where her decision had come from. What had influenced her choice? If you can figure out the “whys” of this decision/feeling, you can make more headway in addressing the underpinnings leading to this plan.
And just to illustrate what poor planners teens tend to be, let me tell you about a situation I faced. I had a patient once who had been brought in by her friend (also my patient) for emergency contraception. Back then we only had estrogen containing methods. Upon hearing that she might have vomiting after taking the second dose, the girl refused to take it, saying that her mother would KNOW something was up if she vomited. Both her friend and I said, “But if you get pregnant, your mother will certainly KNOW that eventually!”
“Yeah,” she replied, “but that won’t be for at least 7 months from now.” She was dead serious.
And this was a 15 year old! Poor abstract reasoning, indeed.
Thanks for allowing me to write my little novella here!