Rosalind Wiseman

Every week I receive numerous emails from kids and parents around the world who are having a difficult time navigating personal and family issues the arise in the tween and teen years. It’s a constant, profound reminder to me that young people deal with very big issues and that they think through them with more nuance than we often give them credit for. It is often surprising for people to hear that fully half of the emails I receive are from boys, since we often seem to accept as a cultural norm that boys don’t want to talk to adults or ask for help. I do my best to answer the majority of the emails that come in even though it can be overwhelming at times. But as the below scenario reinforces for me, it’s often very, very worth it.

Several weeks ago, I answered a question on my Rosalind’s Inbox webisode series from 15 year-old boy named David. His father had left the family several years ago for another woman, and David had become the man of the house after his dad was out of the picture. But his mom has now started dating another man and David is feeling understandably territorial, and he wrote to me to ask me what he should do. Of course I had to reach out to him, and not just because he made me laugh out loud with the subject of his email: “mom is dating worlds biggest wiener”. Watch the video below for his full question and my answer.

I often say to parents that there’s always a good reason for the things our children do—the kid who’d rather his parents think he’s so lazy or disorganized that he constantly misses the bus is really missing the bus because there are kids who are making his life miserable on the ride. Or here , David admits he flipped out on the guy for drinking out of “his” coffee cup. From the outside it may look like David was being an obnoxious moody teen but the reality is he was so angry because that coffee cup meant so much more to him—was this new man going to be a part of their family and bring more pain? David is an honorable kid who has done his best to keep his family together. He has every reason to be worried about what happens when another man becomes involved with his family.

About a week after I posted this video, I got another email from David–this time entitled “good advice”. Here is what he said:

My moms BF asked me to send you this below. I did what you said and he was actually OK about it. When i asked if we could talk he said we could do it at his driving ranger cause he found it easier to talk while hitting stuff. this was ok cause it was a bit embarrassing and at least i didnt have to look at him. He was OK about it. He heard me out totally and didnt intterrupt. He said he called everyone mate but would make an effort to call me david. He said he couldnt say what would happen with my mom but he promised to treat her right. He said he doesnt have kids so he is not sure how to relate to a guy my age but he’d try and remember i am a man. So i guess that is fair.
david

Hi,
I am the wiener David wrote to you about. He has agreed to pass this on. David inititated a bit of a man to man. He admitted later he wrote to you so i took a look at the video. It is true it is extremely intimidating getting the approval of a 15 year old and i suppose i did try a little bit hard. Also i am a bit of a dork. My niece tells me i look the guy from the 40 year old virgin look cool. I told him sadly not much can be done to change that. We wieners are a special breed that way. But we have broken the ice a little thanks in part to your tips. The truth is I admire the Lad a lot. He is extremely responsible.

On sunday when i took the family to brunch at my boat club, for the first time ever David didn’t have homework to do instead. We all took the boat out for a bit of a sail afterward and at the end of the day he shook my hand and thanked me for the day. This meant a great deal. We are spending a week vacationing at a sandals resort and going scuba diving. At first David had to work and was going to stay with his gran but he has just asked if there is room for him. I am glad to say there is.

Sometimes just a little bit of outside advice works, and it’s important that we don’t forget that boys and men are fully capable of having the strength to be emotionally honest, thoughtful, and vulnerable. They can take the risk.

I want to highlight exactly what I think is so incredible about David and goes against all the typical teen stereotypes

1. He asked for help.
2. He felt strongly about his responsibility to his family and his siblings.
3. He took the risk to make himself vulnerable. He acknowledged what the boyfriend did right and gave him credit for that.
4. He wants respect as a man, which he deserves because he’s had to be one for a long time.

Give kids a little bit of advice and they might have the courage to take it and try it. David took the risk—something most adults won’t do. And luckily in this case David was rewarded by being treated by respect by an emotionally engaged adult who met him halfway.