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Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized author and educator on children, teens, parenting, education and social justice. Her work aims to help parents, educators and young people successfully navigate the social challenges of young adulthood.
Rosalind Wiseman
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The “Myth” of Mean Girls???
When I first read Friday’s New York Times Op-Ed “The Myth of Mean Girls,” I couldn’t believe what I read.
Were the authors really saying that what happened to Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, and other incidents like it, is not indicative of a serious, pervasive pattern of girls’ aggression simply because violent crime committed by and against girls has dropped in recent decades? Do they not realize that it is irrelevant to back up their claim by citing statistics on murder, robberies, assaults, and sex offenses?
Here’s what the South Hadley case is not about:
- Perpetuating a myth that there is an increase of violent girls.
- Girls murdering other girls on the streets.
- Charging girls in this case with violent crimes. Instead, they were charged with stalking, harassment, and violation of another’s civil rights.
Here’s what it is about:
- Children doubting that if they are harassed, demeaned, or degraded that adults can effectively address the problem.
- Teachers not having the skills, training, or faith in their administrators to know what to do when they see students degrading other students.
- Defining and maintaining our ethical standards towards one another.
Equally troubling is the regressive analysis of the authors, who appear to state that the only true definition of cruel behavior is physical violence.
That is, if you don’t have a bruise you can show me, then your experience doesn’t matter. This is exactly the same argument that domestic violence advocates have argued against for years—and exactly the same rationalization that abusers have used to get away with their inhumane treatment of others.
Based on this theory, any behavior short of a physical attack is dismissed as a “myth” or “hoax.” But we all know that a physical altercation between people doesn’t occur without a build-up that begins with smaller indignities.
So let’s go back to the beginning. Why did those girls think they had the right to treat Pheobe the way they did? Why were they so confident that they could bully her in front of school faculty without fear of punishment? These are the questions that reveal the true underlying problem. Adults must understand cruelty and bullying for the threat they are to individual safety, the learning environment, and the overall integrity of the school culture. So while it’s commendable that violent crime among girls has decreased, that fact isn’t relevant to teaching children that civil society is founded on the rights and responsibilities of all people to be treated with dignity. This is not in impossible goal to achieve but it requires all of us to stop blaming each other, dismissing the issue, and do right by the children in our lives.
May 25th, 2010 at 11:23 pm
The Times piece did a tremendous disservice to girls. It helps perpetuate another myth – that bullying isnt that serious. As a parent of a 13 yr old girl who recently attempted suicide because of cyberbullying, I can say with authority that this happens and is not reported anywhere. My daughter felt that even if she told someone (other than her best friend) it wouldnt matter, that adults could not do anything about it. She also did not have the coping skills to deal with the onslaught of horrible material coming her way. She got angry, but it came out in other ways. This, combined with being shunned in the classroom lead to her believing that not existing was her only escape. The response I got from her Catholic school regarding the bullying was as follows: “Well, she ?DOES have a belly button ring…” It astounded me the number of ignorant adults who blame the victim. I then understood her fears.
Rosalind, i saw you speak at Ethel Walker school in CT 4 or 5 years ago. I tried to impart the lessons from that day upon my two daughters, as well as my son. no matter how aware we think we are as parents, no matter how well adjusted our children may seem, this can happen. I am lucky to still have my daughter. Some have not been so fortunate. But we have to be vigilant, continue talking about this topic, and educate ourselves and those around us.
April 15th, 2010 at 9:26 pm
Since posting my first comment I have learned that Meda Chesney-Lind has done a lot of work on debunking the myth of a surge in young female delinquency, so I can understand if this might be a subject that she would have some sensitivity towards and may be reacting to a bit, even though it’s really not the same thing. And honestly I can totally relate to her thinking, “Oh here they go again talking about this same thing that I’ve been trying to get people to see some sense about for years.” So I’m willing to cut her some slack, though I’m not so sure about this Mike Males guy.
I think what bothers me more about this Op-Ed piece now that I’ve had some time to digest it a bit is that this is really the first I’ve heard about this being specifically a “mean girl” problem. Maybe I’ve been out of the loop, but most of the discussion of bullying issues that has occurred in the wake of the Phoebe Prince tragedy hasn’t been terribly gender specific, and there are two boys charged in the Prince case as well. Someone tell me if I’m missing something obvious here, but my own take on this is that it’s a “mean kids” matter, and while gender certainly adds its own weird spin to everything, the heart of the matter is young people growing up in an environment that allows (and perhaps even encourages) them to tear each other to pieces.
And that’s what needs to change.
April 10th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
That was definitely a misleading article….I agree
If the South Hadley case is any example, without this DA we would never have even heard about it. I think there are thousands more we don’t hear about. Watching this school wiggle and twist their way out of any responsibility with the students watching and listening – they are learning something there. I have seen this many times before, What made the difference here – someone else cared enough to shine a spotlight in the dark corners. It was taken out of their hands for all the right reasons. I find it very funny that their response was to reign in the parents with a Task force on the subject and the same people who could not or would not do anything for months in this case are suddenly now in charge. Usually when you blow it that badly you are not in charge of anything. You are gone….
So the parents come for answers and the school admin have no problem dictating to them just what the rules are – not talking about it and moving forward, then burry them in flow charts and generate tons of meaningless paper. Absolve themselves of all responsibility – they are only a reflection of the community. The word community is used 100 or more times, the word school – once – driving home the fact that the admin. has no fault in this – it’s a community problem. Every workplace could state exactly the same – but they have rules to protect the adults working there. The school obviously didn’t or certainly made absolutely no effort to enforce them. So the cover up continues – they are answering to no one. They are now the experts taking full control of the situation when they couldn’t control a handful of nasty students who were breaking the law. Something seriously wrong with this picture. They also profess that kids learn nothing at school but academics – Wrong. They spend more time there than anywhere else and yes they learn a lot from these role models – everyday. My son was 6 yrs old when the headline written in Red across the front page of our newspaper read “Principal lies” – which she did. The kids were all very confused. Yes they learn a lot within a school and I am not talking about academics. Most students at this South Hadley know the truth and they have watched this unfold with total disgust….but if you want to continue at that school or you have younger brothers or sisters – you are afraid to say anything. That is how it works.
April 10th, 2010 at 7:25 am
I think in some ways adults are more at fault than kids when it comes to bullying. My son was being teased in Grade 1 for being gay because he was close friends with one child and no one else. My son is gifted and a little quirky, while his friend has Aspergers. When I told the teacher, she did reprimand the children effectively but I received a call shortly thereafter from one of the bully’s parents; she stated that her son “would never do that, and he was not lying.” In other words my son was the one lying? I don’t think so! Parents need to accept more responsibility and should be held criminally responsible in cases like Phoebe’s. Apples don’t fall far from the tree.
April 8th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Thanks Steve–even more so because of your extremely appropriate inclusion of the suicide rate. That is the kind of information that sheds more light on this problem.
April 5th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
I am simply astonished by the NY Times editorial and I find it to be extremely irresponsible. The one statistic that actually is relevant to this case is conveniently left out: the teen suicide rate. Google tells me it’s disturbingly high. I find it hard to believe that Males and Lind didn’t think of checking it in the process of doing their analysis.