Rosalind Wiseman

Q: My daughter is 13 and is texting every waking moment.When I make her turn off her phone she gets furious. Should I set limits anyway?

A: I don’t understand why this is so confusing for parents. She’s 13. You are in control here. If she’s not furious with you at least part of the day, then you’re doing something wrong. Also, it’s your money that pays for the phone. All companies allow you to set usage controls, and if you aren’t monitoring what she sends and receives, start now. You can also download a parental control program. I like the one from SMobile Systems because you can turn off your child’s service at night, for example, when she’s supposed to be finishing homework, having family time or sleeping.

Q: My 12-year-old is upset about a friend who has been harassing him and spreading lies. (My son has no explanation.) What can I do?

A: The ex-friend probably doesn’t feel he’s in the wrong. Very few of us wake up in the morning and think, Today I’m going to make my friend’s life miserable for no reason. And your son actually may know why this is happening but is just too embarrassed to tell you. So help him think things through. For example, I’d say, “Usually people act like this because they want to impress someone else or because they’re angry. Which do you think it is? Why? Are there particular places or times when it happens? What do you usually do in response?” Then help your son develop a strategy. As the two of you talk he should put into words how he feels and exactly what he wants to change. Advise him to come up with a place where he can talk to the other boy alone. The goal isn’t for them to become friends again or for your son to get revenge. Instead, it’s for him to experience how to have small successes in social conflicts.

Q: When I was doing the laundry I found condoms in my 15-year-old’s jeans pocket. I’m upset but don’t know what I should say to him.

A: Even though this may be horribly awkward, you have to talk to him. Just get ready to hear a lot of excuses like, “They’re not mine. I bought them for a friend.” Or “I found them on the street and forgot to throw them out.” As tempting as it may be to roll your eyes, don’t. Keeping a straight face, say, “However you got them, we need to talk. First, I want to be clear that I don’t believe anyone should have sex at 15, because when you have a sexual relationship things get way more serious and complicated. But I also know that if you really want to have sex, you will. And if you make a mature choice like that, then you’re also old enough to go to your doctor to be sure you’re disease free. While you are there, I encourage you to ask questions. Second, I expect you to always be considerate of your partner’s feelings and treat her with respect. Third, if you get someone pregnant you will take complete responsibility—whatever the outcome. So what do you think about what I just said?” Then sit back and listen.

Q: My two grandchildren, 7 and 9, have no table manners at all. They don’t even use a knife and fork! How should I handle this when they come over?

A: It’s your house so you make the rules. And please don’t worry about offending the parents. It’s not like you’re going to be the manners police at their place (although I think any adult has the right to respectfully correct kids who are being rude). Like it or not, sometimes grandparents have to teach their grandchildren to be presentable human beings. Before their next visit choose three specific goals for them. Mine would be: waiting until everyone is seated to eat, using utensils and keeping their mouths closed while chewing. (Next time you can move on to thanking the chef, not leaning on the chair’s back legs and clearing the plates.) While you’re all setting the table, tell them your three requirements. If they do any of them, praise their effort. Then end the meal with a delicious dessert, because that’s a perfect reward for everybody.

Rosalind Recommends

I love schooltube.com. Parents, kids and educators can use the site to showcase all kinds of material: student-created videos, recent sports events, the school science fair or the latest news as told by the journalism class. Unlike other networking sites, it’s not firewalled on school campuses and all content is vetted by the company before it goes live, so it’s safe. Check it out with your kids, and ask their school to create its own channel.