Rosalind Wiseman

At rosalindwiseman.com we are contacted often by parents whose kids have experienced bullying and hazing. For the benefit of learning from the experiences of others, and taking away the stigma of talking about the traumatic consequences of these issues, we’ve chosen to share the story of a young girl named Alexa Berman who took her own life last year. In recognition of National Suicide Prevention Month, Alexa’s mother, Debbie, wrote the following passage in hopes that parents, teachers, and young people will never overlook the signs of a young person in despair.

Alexa was a lovely girl–not just physically. That was the least of it. She was insightful, artistic, witty, and humble. She was a dancer, a poet, an artist, and a real humanitarian. She was the light of her family’s life. That light was extinguished on August 23, 2008, when she was just 14 years old. It was her dad’s birthday and just 3 days before she was to begin high school, which was significant because she did not want to go.

Alexa took her own life that day. She hung herself in her bedroom while her family was home. It was a shock to everyone who knew her, even her parents. It was not that she didn’t have struggles. Some could be attributed to typical teenage angst, but others went deeper. She was treated for depression, successfully, it had seemed. Alexa tried very hard to put on a happy face to the outside world, even though she was in tremendous pain internally. She fooled her teachers, her school counselor, her therapist, her family, and her friends.

Alexa was a very sensitive girl, and while that is an attribute to be admired, even encouraged, it is unfortunately a trait that makes negotiating the middle school years tortuous. Alexa was not a child that was in the ‘popular group.’ Even as her parent, I can say that she was different. She did not fit into the mold. She was okay with having a few friends, but she wanted those friendships to be significant. She didn’t care for gossip and she was not mean spirited or sarcastic. This is not to say that she was weak. She had strong opinions and displayed leadership skills, especially in the areas in which she excelled as, academics, drama, and dance.

Alexa was adopted from a Russian orphanage when she was 3 ½ years old. Although she was a very happy little girl and seemed to make such a smooth adjustment to life in America, as she entered adolescence she began to have difficulty with the volatile nature of friendships.

She had a best friend for several years that I will call Gina. She thought of this girl as a soul sister, a real confidante. It was early in 8th grade when Gina, encouraged by another girl, Wendy (whom Alexa had introduced her to), gave her ‘the boot.’ Wendy decided to make Gina her best friend. There would be no room in this arrangement for Alexa.

For the rest of the year, Alexa was shunned, demeaned, and treated like she was worthless. The torment escalated to cyberbullying, where Alexa was told that she needed to apologize for her behavior to ever be reaccepted into the fold. There were times, when IM-ing that she thought she was communicating with Gina, but in actuality she was talking to Wendy. The computer became the perfect weapon to use against Alexa.

As the year progressed, Alexa seemed to weather the storm. She forged some new friendships, one in particular, with a sweet, intelligent girl. She was the lead in the school play, she learned to play guitar, continued her love of dance, and won the affections of a sensitive young man. She attended regular sessions with an insightful therapist outside of school and saw the guidance counselor in school. All bases seemed to be covered. She was given the choice of attending another high school out of district for ninth grade and chose not to go. And yet, three days before high school was to begin, she contacted her former friend Gina, and told her she was going to hang herself.

Alexa is not here for us to question, but it seems obvious after going over all of the details of her 8th grade year that she did not want to go to high school and have a repeat of what happened in middle school happen there.

What I Wish We Had Known

• ‘Quieter’ cruel behaviors as social exclusion and cyber-bullying are forms of bullying and should be brought to the attention of school personnel. We only brought it up to the counselor and one teacher.

• No matter whether you trust your child or not you must monitor their computer use. Our daughter wasn’t the tormenter, but she was being tormented on the computer and we should have limited her time alone on the computer.

• If your child is a journal writer, do not worry about privacy, check out the journal privately. We found out too late, after she was gone, how much despair our daughter felt.

• Teachers, be aware of the students who are very comfortable around staff members. Often these students are wrongly thought of as outgoing and confident, when in fact, when they are with their peers it is quite the opposite. Teachers loved Alexa, not just because she was a good student, but because she was so personable and could communicate on an adult level. If they watched her in the cafeteria they would have seen quite a different girl.

• Teach your children and students that if they hear anyone make a threat of suicide, even if they do not take it seriously, they must contact an adult. If that adult does not respond appropriately, tell another. This is whether the threat is made face to face, in a written note, or on the computer. Our daughter told people that she was going to take her life and no one told us. She blogged that she was thinking about it. The site got 17 hits and no one let us know. She told a neighbor, who told his mother, and she chose not to tell us. She emailed her former best friend, telling her exactly how she intended to end her life the morning before she hung herself. The friend kept this information to herself.

One of the most important things to take away from Alexa’s story is that even though sometimes signs seem obvious after the fact, this is beyond challenging when you are dealing with it with your own child. The Berman’s were a loving and well-meaning family who dealt with Alexa’s friendship struggles and depression in the best way they could.

When you have a child who is depressed or tends towards depression, it is extremely important to talk to them about what to do if they have thoughts of suicide. They need to know that they can talk to you, and if they don’t feel comfortable with that then they should think of 2 or 3 other trusted adults they feel comfortable talking to. They need to know that you love them and that those feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, but that they need help and that there are people there for them.

With regard to Debbie Berman’s recommendation about reading the journal–this is a really complicated issue. In general, we advise parents to give their kids a right to privacy when it comes to journaling. Particularly for kids who are struggling socially, journals can be an invaluable place to self-express. They are a safe space where kids can process their lives with honesty. That being said, if you are worried about your child and have witnessed a change in behavior you have to trust your gut and use your best judgment.

Finally, with kids that tend towards depression, it’s important to remember that even those who respond positively to treatment can fall back into it. Big events, like starting high school, can trigger bouts of depression and anxiety even when one is considered to be out of the woods.

To learn more about preventing suicide among adolescents and teens visit:

Youth Suicide Prevention Program

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

American Academy of Pediatrics

Yellow Ribbon

Kids Health