Rosalind Wiseman

The Time Traveler's Wife is in theaters now

Last weekend I went to see the new movie The Time Traveler’s Wife. While I would love to opine on the character and plot development of the film (or lack thereof), I’ll save it for another time and place.

One moment from the film, however, particularly struck me: a scene in which a young Clare (Rachel McAdams) slaps protagonist Henry (Eric Bana) across the cheek. The buff Bana seems hardly phased by the blow, but yet it occurred to me — how would I feel about that scene if the roles were reversed? How does an audience usually react if a man hits a woman: Disgust? Shock? Outrage? Yet we barely bat an eye to see the opposite.

I’ve noticed it in tons of other movies, too. In fact, two just this week. In The Notebook, leading lady Allie (again played by McAdams whom, I swear, I am not trying to pick on, but Oxygen insisted on playing it about 10,000 times this week) hits, slaps, and kicks her boyfriend Noah (Ryan Gosling) when he suggests they break off their relationship, after increasing pressure from Allie’s parents. Noah does his best to block her offensive, but doesn’t hit back.

In Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, a verbal exchange between Hermione and Draco Malfoy ends in her clocking him in the face, after which comes this dialogue:

Vincent Crabbe: Malfoy! Are you okay? Come on, let’s go!
Malfoy: [running away] Quick! Not a word to anyone! Understood?
Hermione: That felt good.
Ron: Not good, brilliant!

I have a hard time believing that if Draco instead had punched Hermione and then declared “that felt good” that parents would be okay with it.

Why is it culturally accepted, in Art and in Life, for women to hit men?

I think two things are at play here.

First, it is generally assumed that women are physically weaker than men (a whole other issue, of course). So, even if she hits him, there’s a further assumption that he won’t actually get hurt. A “no harm, no foul” mentality.

Second, men in are culture are never supposed to express when they are hurt, whether physically or emotionally, and least not at the hands of a woman. So without anyone standing up to say, this really hurts me or bothers me, the behavior is reinforced as okay.

Of course, while a particular woman may be weaker than a man, that doesn’t mean she can’t inflict harm on him. Draco sure looked in pain while shrinking away from Hermione. Whether or not someone is physically hurt, however, doesn’t make it okay. Violence of any kind sets a dangerous precedent.

We teach our daughters the dangers of abusive relationships, but rarely our sons. We may say, “men can be abused, too” but the rest of the culture never, ever supports that notion. The effect is that boys and young men grow up thinking that they cannot complain if ever confronted with an abusive person of the female gender. This makes it harder for them to speak out, and may trap them in uncomfortable, difficult, or dangerous situations.

It’s time to take a stand against this double standard of physical abuse. Sure, movies and other media may continue to show women hitting men (and vice versa) as an unfortunate portrayal of real life. But we truly need to give space for boys and men to voice their right not to be victims. Simple conversations, beginning with the questions below, would be a good start.

• Why do you think guys would be reluctant to admit when they’ve been hurt by a girl?
• How do women and girls reinforce that for boys?
• What can men and women do to change that dynamic?