Rosalind Wiseman

I recently got an email from a parent at the school where I work thanking me for coaching her daughter through a tough social experience. I was almost embarrassed by how good it made me feel, but then I realized why: it’s so rare that parents take the time to acknowledge the good moments these days. Most of the time, we educators, coaches, counselors and administrators only get a call when something is wrong.

Spending the last year as a school employee has shown me, more than ever, why it’s so important for parents to cultivate positive relationships with the professionals in their children’s lives. Tension between educators and parents has skyrocketed in the last several years. When I visit schools around the country, the teachers at my professional development sessions are filled with anxiety about difficult interactions with parents. Parents, they say, can treat us like customer service representatives. Teachers feel like they’ve lost their professional authority and respect. There is an increasing sense in schools that teachers need to band together against parents.

As Michael Thompson and Alison Fox Mazzola pointed out in their wonderful book Understanding Independent School Parents, it’s generally only a small group that creates real trouble. But it’s enough to set a tone and get conversations started in staff rooms all over the country. Even if you consider yourself totally sane, you’re parenting in a specific context. Like it or not, we all have to deal with it.

Relationships are vital to getting ahead everywhere, and school is no exception. For example, if the only time your child’s teacher hears from you is when you have a problem, you’re training that teacher to associate you with negative feelings like anxiety, stress, and worry. You set the tone and you send a message. She’ll see your email address in her inbox, and her stomach will tighten. Obviously, that’s not the way you want her entering into a situation involving your child.

It’s in your power to build the right relationship, and here’s what I suggest:

• Keep your emails short and your voice mails shorter. Give a teacher at least 24 hours to reply.
• Every so often, stop by to say hello and ask how your child’s teacher is doing. Don’t use it as an opportunity to ask about your child. Show that you care enough about the teacher as a person apart from the role she plays in your child’s life.
• No matter how upset you are with the teacher, do not ignore her or shoot dirty looks. Even if it kills you, be polite. Trust me, if you don’t you’ll regret it later.
• Acknowledge the good moments and say thank you. Extra points if you refer to something specific the teacher said or taught.

The same rules apply with your principal or head of school. Let her know when you feel good about something, even if it’s small. No matter how bogged down you get in a particular incident, keep in mind that your contact with the school is part of a longer-term relationship. Remember the messages your tone, frequency of contact and subject matter communicate. I’m not going to mince words. Parents do get labeled, and when they do, teachers and administrators can become extra defensive. They can make assumptions about you that aren’t true and work extra hard to get you out of their office. You don’t want to be that parent.

When your child is in need, it’s hard to think about much else. Keep in mind that there is a larger context here: many teachers and administrators are fighting for their professional authority. A cordial relationship goes a long way, perhaps longer than it ever did.