Rosalind Wiseman

After reading “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” actress Nia Vardalos’ recent blog post entitled “What’s the Big Fat Deal?”, I couldn’t let the day pass without sharing it with all of you.

It seems like every other week that a new female celebrity has to issue a statement, post a blog, or “respond” to the chatter about her weight. Without even thinking, I can recall Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Oprah, Tyra Banks, Cheryl Burke…please fill in the blanks where I’ve left some out. I like Vardalos’ blog because it’s not an excuse for what her body should or should not look like–she has nothing to apologize for and never did. It’s also not a glossy “women of every shape and size are beautiful” line that you know she herself does not believe because in two weeks she’ll show up at an event looking gaunt and chic having learned her lesson about letting herself go. Vardalos really hits the nail on the head about the fact that our weight-obsessed culture always seems to negate substantive conversations, recognition of accomplishments, or responsible dialogue for the “this is how I lost 20 pounds in 20 minutes” story every time. Her tone is as it should be–disappointed that somehow this is all we’re ever talking about.

It’s just weight. Just 40 pounds of fat now gone from my body, but wow, it’s pretty much all I get asked about. In the last year, I got to star in a movie, wrote and directed my next one, and adopted a three year old from American Foster Care. But guess what I’m asked…how did I lose the weight?

Vardalos rightly brings up how we buy or subscribe to our guilty pleasure US Weekly’s and Life & Style’s that only validate the enormously profitable machine of perpetuating unintelligent (and frankly, embarrassing) dialogue and imagery about what our culture truly values. Perhaps you consider yourself among the many people whom I’m sure will read this blog and say “that stuff is just entertainment and nobody takes it seriously. It doesn’t mean I’m not a smart person just because I like to relax sometimes.” Totally valid. I like a snarky celebrity blog as much as the next guy. But for all the entertainment value, you then have to be willing to think about and acknowledge your contribution to women not being taken seriously. Because it’s really amazing how much we actually absorb when we’re reading or watching this mindless content. In addition to the entertainment we derive from it, we’re also taking away lessons about what it means to be counted in our culture.

What do I mean by that? Well, do me a favor and walk into the checkout aisle at any grocery store. My refrigerator is nearly empty at the moment, so I have not been this week, but I’d bet my future first born on that at least two, if not more, of the following themes permeate the cover lines:

• Who has the biggest ass and made the critical error of wearing a bathing suit within snapping distance of a camera lens that could see water on Mars?
• Who starved themselves into a 5′9″ stack of protruding collar bones, shoulder blades, and rib cage?
• Whose husband wants more children/cares more about the children and is ready to leave her for a more maternal woman?
• Who hates who for stealing her ex-boyfriend? What did they say to each other at that nightclub?
• Who is out all night partying when she should be home with her kids? Whose boyfriend is out all night partying while she has no idea?
• Whose mental health is crumbling before our eyes as we wait for them to completely self-destruct?
• Whose plastic surgery made them look like Daisy Duck?

Think about all of the grocery store lines you’ve stood in, all the tabloid covers you’ve read, all the ones your daughter has read even though you’d never buy her stuff like that. In the time it takes to get a price check on aisle 7 we learn that you can’t be too fat or too thin, you had better love kids and be damn careful to keep an eye on your boyfriend/fiance/husband because every other woman on earth is ultimately just a jealous hussy in disguise waiting to steal your man. You learn you have to be fun enough to keep it exciting or else he’ll cheat on you, but don’t let loose because that means you’re a drunk and an unfit parent. And lest you forget, you learn that you were/will be day-old bread at 30, so you may want to invest in some preventative medicine, whatever the cost to your wallet or original facial features.

Come on ladies?! Is it not offensive that a woman of 35 gets applauded for “looking good for her age” or the chubby girl gets the backhanded compliment of “embracing her curves”. (Like, isn’t it so nice that she is comfortable with her body even though we’re totally not?) Must our acceptance always be couched in disclaimers? Don’t you ever get MAD when you read this stuff? Or are the years of subconscious absorption telling you that to be counted we can’t get mad? If we were to complain about this we’re too uptight, we can’t just look at something for entertainment’s sake, we’re no fun.

The fact is, how can we talk about wanting the young women and girls in our lives to just be happy with who they are when we never, ever take a break from reinforcing the rules of what you need to be counted–not even in line at the grocery store. We never give ourselves and others permission to struggle–with our weight, with breakups and sadness, with choices and relationships and growing pains. (And while it would take me a whole other blog to tackle the subject, this is absolutely applicable to men as well even though the nuances are different.)

I’ll be the first to admit it can seem like a fruitless battle to boycott or ignore the endless array of magazines, television shows, music, and movies that don’t women seriously, so instead of asking you to quit watching E! cold turkey and cancel your subscription to Hello, I’d first just challenge you to start paying attention. Do you feel like the way women are discussed in popular media is fair? And it’s never too early to start engaging your daughters (and sons!) in a discussion about this as well. Some possible talking points for a younger child are below, but you can always tweak the language a bit for older kids.

• What do you think about the way girls dress on television and in music videos?
• Why do you think producers always put them in skimpy outfits?
• Who do you think are good role models that you see on television and why?
• Celebrity’s lives look pretty good because they have lots of money and they all are so pretty, but what do you think would be hard about that?
• What do you think happens if they aren’t pretty anymore? Do you agree with that?

Our world is saturated with this content and these messages, but if we don’t start having alternative conversations with ourselves, with our friends, and with girls, none of it will ever be different.

So, do you agree or disagree? I want to hear your thoughts, so please leave feedback!