Rosalind Wiseman

Q. My 14-year-old son overheard some guys he thought were his friends making jokes about him behind his back. How should he handle this?

A. When you’re a boy this age the unspoken rule is that you should laugh about everything even if you’re the target. So your son may feel that his only choices are to say nothing and keep the friends, tell them how he feels and get more ridicule, or stop hanging out but never tell them why. But there’s a fourth way. He should approach the boy in the group with the most social control. Your son: “Dude, the guys are saying X about me. It’s gotta stop.” The other guy: “Shut up, we’re just joking!” Your son: “Whatever. They listen to you. I want them to lay off.” The problem may not go away, but your son will learn that he has the courage to face awkward situations head-on.

Q. I’m in a bind. My 12-year-old confided in my brother that she had two boys in the house when we weren’t there, which is totally against our rules. She adores her uncle, and if I punish her she’ll know where I got the information and stop talking to him. If I don’t do anything, she’ll do it again!

A. Suggest your brother have the following conversation with your daughter: “I know this is hard, but your mom needs to know about the boys in the house. So I’d like you to tell her — alone or with me.” Your daughter may respond by saying, “Do I really have to?” or “Okay, I’ll do it when I’m 25.” He should insist that it needs to be done within 48 to 72 hours or he will tell. I have worked with a lot of kids in your daughter’s position and almost without fail after I “force” them to come clean, they’re amazed at how much better it feels to confess than to wait anxiously to be caught.

Q. My 16-year-old son is involved with a very troubled girl his age. She told him she was abused as a child and he seems to think it’s his job to help her get over it. I’m afraid he’s getting trapped in a destructive relationship. What should I do?

A. Your son wants to be her knight in shining armor — but I don’t care how old or mature he is, that’s way too much responsibility for any person. You want him to learn that one person can’t take away another person’s pain. Start by helping him come up with boundaries — which you should write down. Like, all deep conversations must occur before 10 p.m. (he shouldn’t be talking to her until 2 a.m.). Or, she can’t stop him from spending time with other friends or threaten herself or the relationship if he does. Second, tell him that you’re really proud that he wants to be a support to someone and that the best way to do that is to maintain his own emotional health. Lastly, if he’s obsessed with this girl to the exclusion of his other responsibilities and interests, or is feeling overwhelmed, take him to a therapist who specializes in abuse. He’ll need help coming up with an action plan.

Rosalind Recommends

The Double-Daring Book for Girls, by Andrea Buchanan and Miriam Peskowitz (Collins, $27), is the perfect antidote to the vapid, trashy stuff marketed to girls. How could you not love a book that gives step-by-step instructions on everything from shooting pool and making a rope ladder to becoming the President of the United States? Plus, it’s filled with inspiring stories of women scientists, politicians, and writers. This summer I plan to do some of the activities myself!