Rosalind Wiseman

Picture it.  Thursday, around 7:45am. Waves of 8th grade students piling into the gymnasium the morning of their End of Grade (EOG) state wide standardized tests.  Some are half asleep, others are buzzing from the copious amount of Red Bull they so proudly pounded on the way in.  Next, a few dozen students stroll in wearing pajama pants.  Our principal was pacing back and forth, wearing his principal face, instructing them to immediately change.  They were ridiculously argumentative and made it a big show to pull their pajama pants to their ankles and waddle into the locker rooms (all knew that would happen and had appropriate pants on underneath.) Welcome to the last few weeks of 8th grade.  They are squirrely and really can’t afford to be during testing week.  

Back to the gym – around 7:55am, a girl walked in and her BFF loudly exclaimed “OMG, why are you not wearing your Rainbows?”  Girl replies, “cause I didn’t want to.”  The other girl said, “you can’t sit here, you were supposed to wear them today, and you have totally ruined everything!”  I was wondering what she ruined and was debating on whether or not I should intervene.  She sits down and sheepishly laughs.  The next awkward 5 minutes were filled with selective exclusion and deliberate stares. When they were dismissed, they formed a huddle, straight up “Mean Girl” style, and left her behind.  One girl turned around and gave her “the look.” If you don’t know what a huddle or “the look” is, ask any girl over the age of 11. The other girls repeatedly overused the word “Rainbow” as a razor tongued attempt to further exclude this girl – who, let’s not forget, is their good friend.  When I saw her alone I asked if she was OK.  Her response, “I don’t care – they are stupid.” She did care, but unfortunately due to testing I was not at liberty to have a conversation about it.  I had 15 seconds to get her mind right. I am going to wildly assume that 15 seconds didn’t do a bit of good.  How can one focus on an important test when they made a highly consequential mistake of wearing the wrong shoes to school?  I am not being sarcastic. 

Relational aggression, no matter the form, wreaks havoc on academics.  The best of friends can instantly turn into the worst of enemies – and vice versa.  When students are worried about friendship woes they generally cannot focus on anything else.  It consumes them until everything is OK.  The slightest confirmation that the incident is over is usually the only thing that calms them down.

I was busy with testing all day and unable to observe the group during lunch.  But this morning (Friday), 7:55am, she came in the gym…yes, wearing Rainbows.  I am assuming that she “learned her lesson” and won’t be insubordinate to that degree in the near future.  My immediate thoughts – where were her words?  Where was her voice?  Why didn’t her other “friends” stand up for her?  Rainbows?  Really?  I can help with her words, but unfortunately I cannot supply her with a voice.

It’s easy for adults to give girls (and boys for that matter) the tools to stand up for themselves in these types of situations. In my office, they nod and practice and get it.  I don’t feel right about them leaving unless I sense a bit of empowerment. However, when released into the wild some find it impossible to do anything other than bow down and conform.  It’s about power, it’s about control. When they go right back to a not-so-great situation I may worry – I may not.  That’s the thing about relational aggression – nothing is ever cookie cutter.  Sometimes it’s really not a huge deal. But the bottom line is it’s never OK and absolutely shouldn’t be viewed as a normal rite of passage. 

Although the internal strength I see in my office may not be immediately utilized, I know it’s there.  At the end of the day, week, month, and with every passing school year it is our words, our listening ears, and open office doors that truly make a difference.  And on days like this when I question my professional existence, I open my “I don’t suck” folder and remember why I do my job.