Rosalind Wiseman

Rosalind Wiseman
Parenting Magazine
2008 

It’s been my privilege to travel around the country and speak to young people, parents, and teachers about my first book, Queen Bees & Wannabes  (the inspiration for the movie Mean Girls). I’m often met at the airport by someone from the school or organization where I’ll be speaking. After a few minutes of pleasantries as we drive — whether I’m in Ohio, Georgia, California, or Australia — the same thing happens: The person lowers his or her voice and says, “You know, this Queen Bee stuff doesn’t end in high school. Our faculty/PTA/ staff/office is so cliquey. You really need to write about how adults act just like they did in high school.”

Cliques form when we feel pressured to bond to survive a stressful experience — and there’s not much that’s more stressful than parenting. No one likes being labeled, but I believe that putting names to these cultural constructs can give us insight into group dynamics and into ourselves. Here, the kinds of moms I’ve met and learned about:

The entitled Queen bee moms

Queen Bee Moms appear to have perfect lives. They’re oftenvery charming, and they really, really like being in charge. They’re often coaches, class parents, or heads of the PTA. The hallmark of a Queen Bee Mom isn’t that she’s in a leadership position (not all class parents are Queen Bees); it’s that she has to be in control. Here are some other telltale signs:

She organizes her child’s social activities 24/7; no free time allowed.
If other parents don’t like her, “that’s because they’re jealous.”
If someone else is in charge of something, it’s because the Queen Bee Mom has explicitly permitted it, and even then, whatever “it” is, it has to be done her way.
She’s skilled at telling confidential sad/bad stories about another parent, child, or teacher — but she doesn’t see this as gossiping. She shares the hard-luck story with the understanding that the person in question should be pitied, but her not-so-hidden message is that the person is pathetic, incompetent, or a social liability.
When she or her child includes you or your child, you feel special. On the other hand, if you or your child has a run-in with her or her child, your dread of dealing with the situation propels you right back to junior high.
She’s a believer in the “let’s let the kids work it out” parenting philosophy — until it’s her kid who’s being wronged.
She won’t apologize for her child’s behavior. She sees other children as overly sensitive.
If she or her child does apologize for something, they expect a return apology: “Well, I’m so sorry that you took it the wrong way.”

Queen Bee Moms aren’t dangerous to you or your child as long as you don’t challenge them. They’re often their own worst enemy, though, because they can’t admit when they need help or feel overwhelmed.

From Queen Bee Moms & Kingpin Dads, by Rosalind Wiseman with Elizabeth Rapoport. Copyright © 2006 by Rosalind Wiseman. Published by Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.
More “entitled” moms

Sidekick moms

These moms define themselves in relation to a more powerful peer. They are second in command beneath the Queen Bees. A Sidekick Mom typically:

Organizes her child’s calendar so he or she is in the same activities as the Queen Bee Mom’s child.

Forces her child (she would say “encourages”) to be friends with the Queen Bees in the class or the child of the Queen Bee Mom.

Finds any opportunity to share her child’s latest accomplishments but is careful not to overshadow the Queen Bee’s child.

Is very much a believer in the “let’s let the kids work it out” parenting philosophy  – until it’s her child who’s being wronged. (Just like Queen Bee Moms.)

Won’t usually apologize for her child’s behavior unless the “wronged” child or his or her parents are considered to have higher social status, or there is no social or other cost. Then she is graciousness personified.

Is very focused on getting her child into the “right” activities and classes and sees her motivation as based solely on acting in the best interest of the child.

Joins in when other parents gossip about another child, parent, or teacher.

Can start gossip but looks to the Queen Bee Mom for affirmation.

Starbucks & sympathy moms

Have you ever had another mom approach you after you’ve had an unpleasant encounter with someone else, offer to be a source of comfort, agree with your assessment of the confrontation, and then suddenly turn on you at a convenient (for her) time? That’s what Starbucks & Sympathy Moms do. They’re very smart but also good at hiding it. Their strength is figuring out where other mothers feel vulnerable, gathering that information, and spreading it around when it’s most advantageous to themselves.

Queen Bee Moms are also fond of using gossip strategically, but they’re more clearly trying to run the show. Starbucks & Sympathy Moms are happy to have their power and position based solely on their ability to wield power behind the scenes.
Middle of the pack

Torn wannabes and desperate wannabes

Wannabe Moms are looking for opportunities to raise their stock in the social marketplace  – which often means selling someone else short. They’re apt to support you in private but say nothing or even take the opposite stance in public.

There are two types of Wannabes  – those who know better but can’t help themselves (Torn Wannabes) and those who don’t know better and act like they’re 12 (Desperate Wannabes).

Torn Wannabes are unpredictable and frustrating. Usually everyone has a good friend who falls squarely into this category. She’s the mom who privately supports you when you’re in conflict with someone but abandons you at the moment of confrontation. She never tells you exactly what she thinks. It’s not that she’s deliberately being deceptive; usually she genuinely doesn’t know what she thinks because she wants to please the person in front of her or the one with the most power.

She’s great at rationalizing her behavior and avoiding conflict. Still, one on one, she can be a great friend. That’s why you’re still friends with her, even if she’s disappointed you. The Desperate Wannabe is easier to dislike. She doesn’t realize when her actions don’t match her purported values. But at least she’s predictable. She’ll always please the person with the most power, and she will always back her up.

She frets a lot about whether she, and by extension her child, is keeping up. She name drops  – a lot. Like the Torn Wannabe, she’s a conflict avoider, but when she can’t escape, she can be really nasty.

Steamrolled moms

The Steamrolled Mom sacrifices her needs and judgments because she wants to avoid conflict; she’s the one who’s always saying, “Whatever you want is fine.” She’s unlikely to stand up for what she thinks is right because she’s afraid to offend and wants to be “nice.” She’s been so beaten down by the relationships in her life that she doesn’t think she can speak out. When she does get up the courage to say something, she’s likely to salt her words with apologies.

When she hears gossip from other parents, she’ll stay silent even if she disagrees. Then later, she’ll rehearse all the things she wished she’d said.

Floater moms

Floater Moms can move easily from one group to another without arousing resentment. They embody “nice popularity” in that they’re genuinely liked for who they are. The Floater Mom dresses “appropriately”  – she doesn’t stand out. Her house isn’t over the top, and her car isn’t fancy.

A lot of moms fall into this category, but here’s the catch: You might assume that Floaters are generally the peacekeepers, but this role isn’t exclusive to them. In fact, I’ve seen Queen Bee Moms become peacemakers because they have the power to call an armistice. This is because Floater Moms have the understandable attitude that they already went through this ridiculous drama when they were girls  – and they’re not going to waste their time on another parent who still acts like she’s running for prom queen.

Reformed moms

Reformed Moms are able to analyze their behavior and make improvements when and where necessary. These moms  – especially the ones who used to be Queen Bees  – often have the best sense of humor. Reformed Queen Bees have kept all their positive attributes (they’re charismatic, fun to be around, intelligent, capable, and can make fun of themselves) and lost most of the attributes that made everyone (including themselves) miserable.

Reformed Moms aren’t just former Queen Bees, either: There are lots of former Sidekicks, Wannabes, and Outcasts walking around who have become genuinely amazing women you’d want as friends as you go through parenthood.

This doesn’t mean that Reformed Moms don’t have moments when they revert to old behavior, but when they’re called on it, they can admit it, apologize if necessary, and move on.
The left out
Invisible moms

Invisible Moms are well-meaning parents who attend school functions but never, ever say a word. They have a few close friendships with other Invisible parents.

I’ve seen these parents often as I’ve traveled, hugging the back wall in the auditorium, sitting silently. I’ve made direct appeals to them to speak out against the Entitled parents, but they let me know, mostly by downcast eyes, that they couldn’t imagine doing so.

Outcast moms

Outcast Moms are out of it; they don’t live in the “right” neighborhoods or go to the “right” church, or are raising their children alone. A woman who goes through a divorce, particularly when her financial stability suffers, can easily find herself an Outcast. These moms would be invisible but for characteristics that highlight their differences. They might be gay parents living in politically conservative communities, or people of a minority religion. But they can also be conservative parents who send their children to more liberal schools because of their academic excellence, or religious people in a secular community.

Outcast Moms are vulnerable to dismissal or attack even if they don’t speak out or call attention to themselves. However, Outcast Moms can also enjoy the freedom of not having to worry about their social pecking order, which means they can sometimes take the risk of speaking out; what do they have to lose?

I’m describing these roles in hopes that we can better understand what motivates us. If you identify yourself or someone you know here, it doesn’t mean that you or she is doomed to stay that way for the rest of your lives. It can be difficult for adults to change, but when we do, it’s usually because we’ve come to realize our role is hindering our ability to have honest relationships.

Once you’re able to figure out the emotional price you’ve paid for assuming a certain role as a mom, you can work on achieving three goals: having relationships with others in which you both feel respected and valued; having work inside and outside the home that reflects these relationships; and being the best parent you can possibly be. Life will still be messy—because it always is—but the process will feel a lot better.