Rosalind Wiseman

Photo by Michelle's House of Disco, Flikr.com

In the last five years I have told thousands of parents that they shouldn’t be in denial about their children’s bad behavior. It’s almost inevitable that any child will have their moments of being mean or aggressive, but it’s important not to let your love or embarrassment keep you from holding them accountable. 

Sometimes I need to be better at taking my own advice. 

Recently I went to the playground with my younger son after school. I was sitting on a bench reading a book nearby while (I thought) he was happily playing tag with his friends. That is, until another mom came up to me and said, “Is that your son? He just hit another kid on the swings,” pointing directly at my child. Without even thinking about what I was saying I denied it, “No!” I assured her, subtly scooting closer to another boy who was playing near my bench. I guess I hoped she’d think the well-behaved kid who was playing nicely by himself was mine. At the same moment I realized how immature I was being and got up and went over to my son, who was now standing under the monkey bars, glaring at another child who was sitting on the ground crying. I told  my son to apologize, he refused. My embarrassment grew, as I now assumed all the other parents must be looking at me. Squatting down to look him in the eye, I told him to apologize again, and he replied, “Never.” It was in that moment that I realized I the advice I dispense on a regular basis–to use moments like this to demonstrate your family values. I knelt down in front of my son’s puffy-eyed, runny nosed target, and said, “On behalf of my family, I apologize that my son hit you. He should not have done that. You have the right to come here and have fun and not be hurt. If he does it again, you can come talk to me about it.”

Why am I admitting this? Because first we have to laugh at ourselves when we do ridiculous things. Honestly, if we don’t, our embarrassment will stop us from seeing clearly and then we get defensive and nasty—never fun for anyone. So I believe laughing allows us to get over ourselves, so we can act like the adults our kids need us to be. It’s also natural to feel the “my child would never” reaction well up inside you when one of your children does something like that. To a certain extent we all feel like our kids are reflections of ourselves, and when they behave badly we’d rather it just not be true. But it’s important that we take ownership for our kids’ screw ups as well as their achievements and hold them accountable accordingly.