Rosalind Wiseman

My son Elijah and his counselor, Ms. LaNail

If there is one thing I’ve learned as a mother it’s that no matter how much personal or professional success I achieve, it is virtually impossible to impress my own children. Consider a recent conversation I had with my eldest son, Elijah, who is 8. He came home from school and clearly looked upset and I was able to get out of him the basic facts that some kids had been mean to him.

Me: I’m sorry you had a bad day. Do you want to talk about it?
Son: (Heavy sigh, slight eye roll.) Mom, you’re not very good at that.
Me: (Shocked, coughing, stuttering…)Actually, there are some people who think I am very good at that!
Son: No mom, really you aren’t.
Me: Ok, can you talk to Ms. LaNail about it? (a counselor at his school)
Son: Oh yeah, she’s way better than you at this stuff.

It took everything in me to not try and convince my son that I really was as good as Ms. LaNail. I had to fight my instinct to call up other children and teens I have helped as witnesses to the fact that I know what I am doing in the helping department. But for all those feelings, what rose above them was the clear demonstration that sometimes parents aren’t the people children want to confide in—and that’s a good thing. It means they have other healthy, strong relationships with adults in their life that they trust and rely on. Just because I’m an expert on these issues, when it comes to my kid, my anxiety sometimes overrules my ability to give him good advice or even just be the sounding board that he needs. In that moment, somehow my son knew that better than I did. What being a village is really about is having other adults step in to guide your children when you can’t or shouldn’t. Both of us are lucky to have Ms. LaNail in our lives.