Rosalind Wiseman

Campaign Button from www.r-word.org

Eight. That’s the number of times that I’ve caught myself saying the word “retard” in some variation this week—and it’s only Wednesday. I’ve known for quite some time that this phrasing has peppered my casual conversations, and in truth had never let it bother me very much. I’ve never been called out for its use, and it’s a word that has become quite handy when griping about a myriad of things, such as:

“I forgot to mail my water bill–I’m such a retard!”

or

“You’d be retarded not to take that job, it’s such a great opportunity.”

or

“That cop is retarded! I was going just as fast as everyone else!”

I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the line the “R” word was programmed into my brain as the default for all things stupid, dumb, inane, annoying, vapid, obnoxious….you get the point. And I’ve allowed myself to continue its usage for the simple fact that it’s not as if I mean any harm or ill will toward people with mental handicaps when I let a sentence like this escape my mouth. “Retard” is a word that has become so commonplace that I actually never consider its origins when I use it–which is exactly why it is a problem.

In a bold demonstration of the power of social media, this week I became aware of a campaign that Jen Nedeau, an online strategist and friend, was spearheading on Twitter to “End the R-Word.” (You can read the chatter on this subject by searching the hashtag #rword.) March 31 was the day dedicated to “Spread the Word to End the Word.” In my show of support for the campaign I “re-tweeted” the links others were sending, and in doing so stopped and thought, “Wow, this message is being sent directly to people like me.” I actually felt pretty embarrassed—as if someone reading my tweet about the campaign might think, “She is such a hypocrite! She uses that word all the time!”

It’s not easy to stop and be self-reflective and consider our actions, especially when the thing we’re doing has become so normative in our culture that no one is taking the time to blow the whistle on us. But just because I’m only using “retarded” to describe people or situations–and not directly, maliciously mocking someone with a disability–does not make it okay. Our actions shouldn’t have to reach the most severe threshold in order for us to rethink them. Sometimes our biggest mistakes are the little ones we’d never noticed.

Consider President Obama’s recent gaffe when he said his bowling game was only good enough to compete in the Special Olympics. If it hadn’t been the leader of the free world, and was just one of your friends or a coworker saying the same thing, do you think you or anyone else would have been as up in arms about the faux pas? I’d put money on it that most people wouldn’t be phased, and would have laughed and moved on. And while I think that a President or public figure certainly bears a greater burden in setting a standard of propriety, it does little good unless we’re all willing to reinforce those standards on a day-to-day basis. President Obama exemplified that day that he’s not any more immune to cultural normalization than the next guy.

And “retard” is only one word on a long list of verbal vices that we ignore on a regular basis. The use of “gay” and “fag” seems to fall under the same umbrella as “retarded,” and I think people are starting to become steadily more aware of its negative influence. But I still have plenty of friends (and not to hate on the guys but they are mainly of the male gender) who still use the “G word” and “the other F bomb” on a regular basis. The defense I hear of this usage usually goes something like, “I don’t have any problem with gay people—my uncle is gay!” or “It’s not like I would say that if there was a gay person in this room.” The mere fact that you’ve parsed the difference for yourself of when it is and is not okay to use those words should be a huge tell that it’s got to stop.

If you, like me, are guilty of semantic negligence in some form, I implore you to accept the challenge to kick the habit. The first step in overcoming this problem is admitting that it actually is one. You don’t have to be an unintelligent, anti-PC, minority-hating, angry jerk to be guilty of cultural insensitivity from time to time. In fact, if you’re an articulate, functional, generally polite human being, I think that actually makes you less likely to take a look in the mirror, because there will be less people imploring you to do so.

As a bystander to this type of word usage, none of us likes to be the uptight word-Nazi when the context of someone’s remarks is seemingly innocuous, but that’s also a huge reason why certain words are still a part of our common vocabulary. There was a time in history when it was no big deal to use the “N word” either, but its expulsion from acceptability started when people were willing to put their foot down and call out their friends for saying it.

So from this day forward I’d like to consider myself a recovering “R-aholic.” My name is Emily Bartek, and I use the word “retarded” too much. I can’t promise I’ll never slip up and use it again, but I will make every effort to be more aware of my word choices and find a less offensive replacement to fill the void in my lexicon. I hope you’ll do the same.