Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized author and educator on children, teens, parenting, education and social justice. Her work aims to help parents, educators and young people successfully navigate the social challenges of young adulthood.
Rosalind Wiseman
creating cultures of dignity
Family Circle: Ask Rosalind, June 2008
Q. Our kids aren’t allowed on the phone after 9 p.m., but my 12-year-old daughter keeps getting calls from one boy as late as 12:30. How can we get him to stop?
A. On the off chance this boy is using your land line, keep the phone close by. When he calls, answer in your most intimidating parent way (meaning, don’t threaten him but be very clear that he can’t call after 9). If he’s reaching your daughter on her cell, then she needs to surrender it to you (which, by the way, all teens should do when they go to bed). If her phone rings, answer it exactly the way I advised if he were calling the house. Be strict with this rule now, and you’ll save yourself a lot of headaches as your kids get older — by, say, intercepting that after-hours text message about the unsupervised party down the block.
Q. My daughter wants a graduation party. I didn’t have one for my son — we couldn’t afford it — so I feel I shouldn’t have one for her. What do you think?
A. You seem to have two issues. You want to be considerate of your older child — always a good idea — so make sure your son knows that having this party isn’t favoritism. But I’m wondering also whether you think your daughter is asking for something excessive. If that’s the case, don’t give in! Over-the-top parties can encourage teens to feel entitled. If you decide to host the party, write up an agreement with your daughter about budget, number of invitees, and what you’ll do if someone shows up drunk or brings alcohol or drugs.
Q. I saw explicit lyrics my 17-year-old and his friends wrote for their garage band. How can I get him to write about other things?
A. You can’t force your son to change what he writes. What’s more important is what you mean by explicit. If your son, for example, is describing his frustrations about school, politics, or other issues with graphic images and bad words, it’s probably a healthy outlet for him (though you still want to know why those issues are bothering him). But if he’s singing about sexually degrading themes or violence, you need to talk to him. In addition, ask an adult male he respects to explain that a true man doesn’t express himself by demeaning anyone else.
Q. My son likes to share his problems, but then gets annoyed with my advice and rejects it. Can I be helpful without upsetting him?
A. When kids tell you things and then don’t want your input, it’s confusing and frustrating. But sometimes they just want to vent. The next time he unloads, say, “I’d like to help, but are you telling me this because you want me to just listen or do you want advice too? Either way is fine, but just let me know.” Then sit back and let him tell you what he needs.
Rosalind Recommends
We’ve all heard the news stories about cyberbullying. Instead of feeling powerless, read Generation MySpace, by Candice M. Kelsey (Marlowe and Company). The book helps parents set limits on kids’ online behavior. Another good resource: adl.org/education/cyberbullying.
Copyright © 2008. Used with permission from the June 2008 issue of Family Circle magazine.
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