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Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized author and educator on children, teens, parenting, education and social justice. Her work aims to help parents, educators and young people successfully navigate the social challenges of young adulthood.
Rosalind Wiseman
creating cultures of dignity
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Family Circle: Ask Rosalind, May 2008
Q. My 15-year-old refuses to go on vacation with us unless we take her friend. We like the girl, but we really just wanted to go away as a family. What should we do?
A. A 15-year-old has the right to request that a friend join you, but she doesn’t get to make the ultimate decision. That said, when I was growing up we often vacationed with other families who had kids my age, with a few days set aside for family time only. Even during my most difficult teen years I looked forward to those vacations because of the time I’d spend around the people I loved. So if it’s logistically possible, I’d compromise and have the friend join you for part of the time. Or plan a weekend
getaway and invite her then.
Q. My son, a high school sophomore, doodles violent cartoons in his notebooks. I don’t think they mean anything, but I worry the school will get on his case. Should I ask him to stop?
A. There are only two things you should assume: that your son’s drawings reflect the way he sees the world and that he wants others to know that. While it’s common for some boys to draw violent pictures, what you’re describing could indicate that your son is in great emotional distress. Before the school becomes involved, ask him what he’s trying to express with his drawings, and why he’s willing to risk getting into trouble for them. And no matter what he says, have him talk to a therapist who specializes in adolescent boys to make sure he isn’t a danger to himself or others.
Q. Our family is pretty strict about healthy eating, and I recently found junk food wrappers in my 10-year-old daughter’s room. What do you advise?
A. Junk food isn’t the issue here. The problem is she feels she has to conceal it. When kids sneak food it means you’ve got a control war — always a no-win situation. So say to your daughter: “I found a bunch of wrappers in your closet. I don’t want you to feel you have to hide food. What’s going on?” Then listen and reach a compromise. Maybe you and your daughter can find more appealing (to her) recipes to prepare together. And consider lightening up a little — high-quality chocolate eaten in moderation can be one of life’s great joys.
Q. My 17-year-old wants to buy his new girlfriend an expensive necklace, which seems extravagant to me. Should I say something?
A. At 17 a boy is old enough to purchase pricey gifts for his girlfriend (with his own money) but not mature enough to realize he’ll feel like a fool if she breaks his heart afterward. Your job? Notice whether the gift is a one-time thing or part of a pattern of buying love. If it’s the latter, ask him how the relationship’s going, then bring up your concerns.
Rosalind Recommends
I’m a big fan of the Girls’ Leadership Institute, founded by Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out (Harcourt). GLI runs in-school programs, workshops, and a two-week summer program,
all focused on building tween and teen girls’ leadership skills and confidence. Go to girlsleadershipinstitute.org.
Copyright © 2008. Used with permission from the May 2008 issue of Family Circle magazine.