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Rosalind Wiseman is an internationally recognized author and educator on children, teens, parenting, education and social justice. Her work aims to help parents, educators and young people successfully navigate the social challenges of young adulthood.
Rosalind Wiseman
creating cultures of dignity
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Family Circle: Ask Rosalind, April 2008
Q. My 12-year-old daughter often asks me for notes to get her out of gym class. She has asthma, but it’s well controlled. I think she’s using it as an excuse. How should I handle this?
A. Sounds to me like you’re right. But your daughter probably believes she has a good reason — maybe she doesn’t like changing in front of her peers, or she’s not good at sports and the gym teacher teases her or puts her down. Tell her what you’re thinking, and then ask her what’s really going on. She should talk with the gym teacher, stating the problem and what she’d like to see happen. You go along as backup. Tell your daughter, “If you feel you’re losing your words, I’ll talk, but if I’m not getting it right, you can talk over me.”
Q. In order to graduate, my 15-year-old has to do some volunteering. He thinks of it as a chore; how do I get him excited about it?
A. Some kids are born wanting to help others. Some aren’t. But all kids need to give back. Have him contact a local community foundation for a nonprofit he’s at least a little bit interested in. He can get a state-by-state list of opportunities at the Council on Foundations’ Web site, cof.org. Ideally — and here I’m having flashbacks to my own teen years at a certain nursing home — even if he finds it annoying at first, he’ll soon value the new relationships and feel the rewards of helping others. If he doesn’t, he’ll still learn that as a member society, he has to get off his butt.
Q. My 16-year-old daughter spends a lot of time at her boyfriend’s house. I just found out that his parents allow them to watch movies in his room with the door closed. Should I confront his parents?
A. Yes! Just confirm the “facts” with them first. While it’s important to have a mutually respectful relationship with them, it’s more important to set clear guidelines for your daughter and her boyfriend, such as, “The bedroom door must always be open.” And don’t hesitate to tell the other parents your rules!
Now you may be thinking, “No way I’m telling them what to allow under their roof.” But you have to communicate your rules to other parents so you can present a united front. If they disagree with you, have a mature face-to-face conversation about it — before your kids have been caught doing something they shouldn’t. This is also the time to have another dialogue with your daughter about sex. A good resource: Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask), by Justin Richardson, MD, and Mark Schuster, MD, PhD (Three Rivers Press).
Rosalind Recommends
I can’t wait to get my sons involved in Boys Advocacy and Mentoring. BAM groups help middle school boys build relationship skills and self-esteem using boys’ learning styles (i.e., moving around before deep talks) instead of seeing them as negatives (i.e., forcing them to sit the whole session). Go to bamgroups.com.